Binge

Today I actually felt half the pain that the guys feel when they get kicked in the balls. 

I surfed, and I had to go up (for the deeper water) and I sat a little bit more to the side, a big wave came, and than, I don't know how, but all I remember that's, after the wave passed, I found myself, and my vagina slamming the side of the board, and it felt.. I have no idea how to describe it, it was painful, from a piece of some soft material. 

Today were better waves. 

Still, I barely catched any....

Danny phantom, I like it, I'm watching the episode with the two Danny in halves, one is the ghost, with deep voice, like a superhero, I guess, and one is Danny himself, just lazy.

So today I ate one egg (only the whites, I hate the yellow part) and two toasts (like, only bread), I asked for one, got two. 

I also took one chocolate cube with strawberry cream in it, was about 50, but it waked me up, and it's better than chocolate milk of 250. 

And an apple. 

For lunch I ate one pizza, dinner I'd skip, or just something tiny. 

At the surfing, I saw purple again, and then, after an attack (this is how we call huge waves) washed me away, the world changed colors, it was like a rainbow, and than I started to see yellow, and then purple again. 

And after a while, it happens all the time, my ribs just felt like they're going to crack and collapse. 

I was glad it happened, it probably says that I'm going skinnier. 

Today my mother said I lost weight, I did not. 

I think I even gained some. 

He eats chicken!

I want fried chicken!

But it's be so wrong. 

Too wrong. 

I'm watching Little Nicky, the retard devil, that's trying to get his brothers back to hell, it's with Adam Sandler. 

I'm really hungry. 

But it doesn't matter. 

I did my choice and ate. 

It's awful, sometimes I feel like I'm about to faint, and than I remember the size of the jeggings, and I say to myself that I can do it, I'll get to these jeans. 

I want food, all of my favorites running through my head. 

Soon, I'll be able to eat that. 

 

Fuck this school!

Seriously!

They give us papers, to fill in!

They asking us bullshit!

"What kind of student you are?" 

How should I know it?! I'm just a child!

"What do you want to keep from primary school?"

Nothing. 

Not a fucking thing, I hated everything back there, I still do!

"What would you like to inform your teacher?"

I like to starve myself, I used to cut myself, I feel suicidal, pretty much, everyday, and yeah, I got bullied from my best friend, so I have trust issues, and I hate people.

But no, what I said that I go to the genius school, at least it sounds more sane this way. 

My mother made me write lies, and insulting me in the middle, like she can't see my life crisis, she just like to poke the only lefting scraps of me, until they fall too. 

I am emotionally unstable, and it's not part of my personality, it's the lack of food. 

I hate myself!

I ate so much ice cream and chocolate!

I tried to purge it!

The chocolate didn't let me to take anything out!

I want to be able to do it!

I tried, I could feel that I could take it, but it was too late, my mother interrupted me, I ate the ice cream and she started to talk to me, about she don't deserve this, and that if I'm sad I need to talk to her, and I can't sleep all day in my room because that's what depressed people do (if they're lucky, and actually can sleep, because after a while, nightmares don't scare you anymore, the fact that you'd live tomorrow do), I was too late to take it out. 

Fuck my stomach. 

I feel sick. 

I just want to sleep away. 

I feel really sick. 

And tired. 

I feel like I'm about to die. 

I'll go try again. 

I can't. 

I feel like in a reality show, always somebody is watching near the toilet. 

It's like, an insult, for my extremely weird and low pride. 

I'm proud of most of my doing, and most of my sayings. 

My stomach hurt. 

You know, I'd like to just be normal. 

I will eat like a human, just give me thin legs, flat stomach, or the permission to wear leggings. 

It's my main problem, as I see it. 

I want to be happy.

Just like, that I'd feel it, actually, to feel something but physical pain is already better. 

Can you kill me?

Please?

Pretty please?

Like, what's the point?

Why am I reconsidering if I really should to wake up tomorrow?

It's not normal. 

I never thought that everything will happen so soon...

I assumed I'd have fucked up ideas, I knew I'd start with self harm, I just thought that I'll do it when I'll be 14, well, I just hope for the best. 

I want to do it again. 

I want to eat, a lot, a field.

I want to do it again. 

Press hard cold metal, on my skin, until I'd bleed. 

I want to do it again.

To die, over, and over, and over. 

I want to eat, I need chocolate. 

I'd hate myself later. 

I ask myself, if I should, or shouldn't, I'm dying for chocolate. 

But I'd hate myself even more. 

Oh my god, what to do?!

I'm crying because of this?

Chocolate will make it better, right?

No?

Wrong?

What?

I want, but can't.

I want to skinny, but I'm so hungry.

It's awful. 

So awful. 

I want things.

I want to shove them in my mouth. 

I'm going to search online for options, I just lost all of my hope.

I have two options, cereal, or almonds with chocolate. 

I'd try I satisfy myself with fruit. 

I feel like a fatass. 

I need to be thin?

Why am I binging?

Why am I so fat?

Fuck. 

Hundred jumping jacks, won't do it all, but it's better than just sit here doing nothing. 

I feel like shit.

I just did one hundred crunches (or sit ups, it's the same thing, just different name) I'm still upset that I ate so much. 

Tomorrow, I have no idea what what id do. 

I don't want to eat, but yet, I don't want to faint. 

It's so confusing!

If I won't eat I'd be thin, but I'd probably faint and won't be able to move myself when I'd surf. 

If I will eat I'd be fat and feel horrible, but I'll be stronger, and I won't be hurt at surfing. 

I just do what I always do, eat a bit. 

Skip one meal. 

Snack a bit.

Regret, because that's what I do when I'm going like a little pussy with my typical life shit problems. 

I like to fit into something, I don't care it might happen in the other side of the world, but as long I'm inspired by something, someone, somehow I'd survive it through. 

I just want to find people that will care. 

Not that just say "yeah.. So sorry... Fuck the one who did it... Blah blah blah..." When they got time. 

I'm like, I want an actual relationship, like of 3 year olds, that actually care!

Just that, I didn't had the normal 3 year old life. 

I want to sleep, or something. 

Goodnight, I'd hope that if make the right choice tomorrow...

Berries, Survivors, 

I hope you'll make it.