4 days

Why can't I be weak.
Less on defense.
I'm always on guard with my great forces, my arm and large hands (that create awful pain for peoples body arts in some occasions), and my honesty, because I'm a real person.

I'm too strong.
Why can't I be a bit weaker?
This is furustrating.

I really hate hurting others, espacially because of my unstable temper that can be realeased without noticing, or my strength I don't control about.

Well, today I did nothing.
Like all those unproductive days I absoultely love.
I organized my room, put the crystal looking plastic/whatever it is in it's place and alike.
I drew today,

I liked it, it's better than what I did before, and since I couldn't download brushes, I don't really understand why, but I created them.
The blood in the side of the room, it's my Cloud brush with the Burn brush, and some of the Cloud brush on Multiply.
I like it.
The hair was orginally brown, but I changed it, and the skin was more pale and a bit blueish, so I turned it to look alive.

Now I'm doing the sketch of a new thing, inspired from that field scene on Eclipse (Twilight), the idea just popped out after seing a soft and bright colors on a speedpaint, and because I started sketching a face in very soft light pastel-ish green, and I just remembered.

I'm practicing with colors, I use some grayish dusty-purple for shading, it's good for it, and it's having a more alive effect than black or darker brown.

I still have things to do, I plan to save them to Hanukkah holiday.
I asked one page for a movie like Suicide Room, they said that I should try Chatroom, but it's not very alike Suicide room.
Oh well.


It seems like that I don't cry anymore.
Like, I have tears only for cleaning my eyes after shampoo get in.
I don't have many reasons to cry.
Yesterday I tried to check up if I can, so I putted some tragic news shit...
Animal abuse.
Kittens and puppies suffering.
And me?
Nothing.

Anorexia annd self harm stories on Youtube.
Nothing.

Just me complaining.
"Why are you sad? You are white? You aren't like me, that is already a person that you can easily see, you can't miss it, I'm bold in the crowd, and I don't want it, I want to be pretty, white, and happy, not judged for being darker, called black since I was 6. You are white, you have big house, and parents who work all the time, I don't, my mother don't have a job, and my dad always working so we'll have money, and we have a small apartment, until I was eleven, I was in a small room with my sister, Anna Frank hideout room, two people in a two beds and a bit small, I just want to be white, just not being seen".
Why couldn't I be white?
You know how different my life could've been?
I can't.
Because everything would be different.


And even now, as that small piece of sadness sunk in my head, not a tear.
It's hear and gone, and nothing more than just a short weak emotion, that is dying.


I'm furustrated.
I just shouldn't eat much anymore.
I can't be pretty, when I'm so bold in that crowd, and looking so chubby.
Look, that alert that gave me it the most.
That when each girl arched her back so the muscles won't get all locked and shit, every girl's spine, you could see it, but mine.
That chubby ugly black girl.

That's it.
No more fats in my diet.
Just eating normally until that very Wednesday (which is also the daughter's name in the Addams), Gluten blood check so I won't freak out the doctor or my mother.
Than, stopping liking foods.
No more for food.
Water, Jasmine tea, apples, peaches, pears, but no breads, and not meat, only Friday's dinners with my special meals will have more fatty and kess healthy things.
Like this coming weekend.
Tacos!
It's corn tortillas anyway, so it doesn't matter if I have celiac or not.

I still will make delicous rich desserts for my family and mostly for my sister.
Like those truffles I made!
It's like heaven in a ball!
It's rich, and soft, and hard.
I need to make something else with the leftover chocolate.

I really like making food.
I like doing sushi, a lot.
I usually make a large plate and smaller one.
I should get better making my inside-outs, my rice measurements are just uneven, creating bald spaces in the outside.
And next time I'll put there some fish for my sister and dad.

Well, 4 more days to the blood check.
It's interesting if I'll have it or not.
If I will, it means I'll eat a lot less, because I really hate the flavor of gluten-free foods.
And who knows what more.
So it's weird, I have no idea what will happen.

Maybe all the sudden I'll lose weight, or be less tired, or be more energetic, or be less something or more something.
Who the fuck can know.
Maybe I'll be taller.
That allergy got weird effects.
My sister's stomach used to hurt, and then after it was discovered, she's way better.
Another girl from her class, her hair would just fall off.
And another boy, well, he did't grow in height.

I have found something awesome.
WHAT IF I HAVE CELIAC AND WHEN I'LL STOP EATING GLUTEN I'LL BE HAIRLESS IN MY BODY.
That's so fucking awesome.

Just kidding.


Well, I'm going to sleep.
Have nice dreams...
If you can sleep.
I can.
And I'll enjoy from the children screaming and yelling outside.
It's autumn already, so the chances of the chocolate store alarm won't make that annoying and with it -calming, sound, and those gun shots and singing people, won't be here, nor the jazz music from that local bar.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.