I just lost more.
And yesterday I was bummed because you the scale showed a 55!
Ha!
They were right, the weight loss when you're overweight is faster.
One day it'll be hard, but I won't break.
And you know what I like about my eating?
Even if I binge it's not that bad.
Oh, and on Wednesday there's a slight chance to miss a meal.
Why?
I'm going to Yoav's place for the ballad film, because on Friday, there's a birthday for my cousin and it's after school in the north.
Well, I guess it's better than a headache from guitar (with promising to myself that I can have a breakdown later), and to suffer among kids.
...
Two girls in my class are failing miserably to tell a joke.
I got it, but it's not as funny as what Nir just said.
"The two things I hate the most is racism and Arabs".
I found it funny.
...
I ate the cupcake.
It makes me sick now.
But anyway, today I'm making a large amount of deliciousness.
Why?
Because I like it.
And I love tweaking all of my recipes to fit my needs.
Yesterday, I made a quick-bread (or shortbread, depends what translation you prefer), the original recipe calls for cherry tomatoes and cheese and pistachios and eggs.
I didn't have any of those.
And I don't like to put cheese on bread.
So what did I do?
I read online about replacing option for eggs, because I needs to glue them in some way, I saw something with tomato paste, my favorite kind of sauce and spread.
So I added some almond milk and some tomato sauce and created such a rich flavor to a bread.
And because I needed some filling, I picked my best friend, the onion.
I just love onions after they're baked or fried, they taste so sweet!
It made my bread become more wet then normal bread because of the milk, and a delicous flavor thanks to the tomato paste, and incredible addition of sweetness that fits the plain slightly-salty because of the onion.
Crap.
I'm starting to become like Pig or the chef from back at the barnyard, and even worse, Eyal Shani (he got some cooking shows that annoys me), they all talk about food like it's the most perfect thing, if there was nobody in the room, they might have start to sexually abuse a fuckin tomato or something.
...
I'm now 54.5, I really hope it's all just food weight.
I feel stupid.
Why?
Because I actually thought that people might have a tiny bit if affection towards me.
I was thinking all wrong.
Well, at least now I know.
Nobody will ever love me, and if somebody says so, he's lying.
Or she's.
But with humans it's obvious that they will lie.
...
I just want to die.
But I have couple of few years until that.
It's something about my death, that just facisnating me.
Usually, it will be how, and who will crash first, but now, it's more about time.
Will it be a car crash or a for or another accident in my late twenties, or just a nice pleasing heart failure during my sleep on my late nineties?
That idea of kids in that sounds so weird.
Me? And babies? Yeah right.
But I know it will all change by the right time.
Gladly, now I got no time for stressing over babies.
Condoms pills and pregnancy checks will be carried close to me all the time.
I don't want to end up carrying a life in me while being in school.
...
You know, sometimes, I look in the mirror and say to myself "it's your fault", and I know I'm right, I know that I own the blame, I ate my feelings away instead of properly crying and tearing to pieces in my bed while reading about people who self harm, and calling myself a 'fucking pussy' because my problems aren't as bad.
And others I just stand there and say "I don't deserve this", because sometimes I feel that I don't deserve having a thinner mother, or a BED father, or such a shitty life, but then, five minutes later, after pinching the fat, checking my wrist, feeling my heart beating, I know that I deserve this, I'm the one who deserves it the most.
And I don't care anymore.
I just want to be able to wear a mask and be called lovely.
I just want to be who I should be.
I'm disgusted by myself an I'm getting sick only by looking at my naked body.
I'm ashamed.
Well, it's bed time.
I'm going to check up on some random sites until ten thirty and then I'll fall asleep.
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