It still hurts.
Obviously.
If there is one thing about cutting that annoys me, it's the fact that even after you enjoyed the pain, it's still there.
Oh well, it's a punishment for me anyway.
Since when punishments are fun?
I'm here with Shani.
She became one if my closer friends.
At the bus station.
She went to the competition with her parents.
She said that I didn't miss a lot.
None of the kids from our school won anyway.
I wonder if Yael or Noa cried.
I personally think they are expressing themselves through emotion.
They rely on that.
I'm still at the bus station.
And there's one guy next to me.
I remember him because he was one of Yotam's best friend.
Is it weird that I'm talking openly about self harm in my phone while people are around me?
Who cares.
They aren't going to say something anyway.
I'm on the bus, window seat.
He's sitting next to me.
At least he's not looking.
Fuck.
I have the test now.
I don't want to.
Stupid ballads.
Stupid school schedule.
Who the fuck likes to make me suffer because of school!
Like the eduction system doesn't know.
Oh please.
People like them make me sick.
They are bothering to tell children how suicide is wrong and self harm as well.
Yet, they are exposing them to it.
Showing them how it looks like and they learn.
They will see their whole life as a mistake and failure after the one time they questioned life.
Or if god exists.
Or their sexual orientation.
Or whatever they are.
Then, from their growing furutration, and after knowing they ruined it all, they'll grow into different mental illnesses, and will break all the rules.
Smoke, pierce themselves (something that looks good at the beginning, but when you make your face a net? Not really), hang out in malls (like the people I saw few years ago), I don't want to know where it'll take them.
But or they will make it big on different art forms (like that guy who was drug addict, ,but now he makes self portraits on different drugs), or that they will fail.
...
Newbies mistake.
There are three guys that decided to made music with books and hands.
It sounded pretty good.
If I didn't know them I would assume they were part of that body drumming dancing band, I don't know the name on English.
...
I hope I won't binge on chocolate today.
The chocolate I have is a creamy ice cream.
I plan eating some on Saturday and some on Sunday or Friday.
...
I'm so ugly.
It's all I could think about when I was in the dancing room after sports.
Mirrors everywhere.
Pretty girls everywhere.
White petite girls.
I'm so ugly.
That's what I thought after it.
While taking out English from my locker, and seeing Chubbs.
She's probably skinnier than me.
I have no idea how much I weigh.
Probably increased to sixty.
Not very likely, but it probably happened.
Why are we the only family without a single scale?!
I need one.
As soon as I get one, I'll weigh myself every time possible.
I'd might find myself standing on the scale after an hour of jogging or something.
Fuck I'm so fat.
I did this morning 49 minutes of jogging.
But I ate over 800 calories!!!!!
...
I'm after school.
Walking home, partly because my mother asked me if I want to go and check in Soho for some stuff.
Meaning:
I'm walking calories off.
Not many at all.
But it's also a nice warm up for my running.
Good news.
My guitar lessons are now on Fridays.
Bad news.
I have to pee.
.....
Okay, I understand you.
You like to hurt me.
I got it.
It took me time, but I udnerstand it.
Don't worry, or be afriad, or ashamed, don't even bother to hide.
Because my dear, we are the same.
I like to hurt me too.
And if you want to hurt me so much, let's cooperate!
We don't want to make nothing when we can make something.
I can help you with it.
I'm fucking talking to my over eating personallity.
I guess it's better to understand it's not really me.
You know what was the worst today?
My mother made me binge.
She fucking told me to eat the strawberries, no other options.
My stomach hurt as fuck.
When I jogged earlier I could feel the food coming back up.
Today she almost saw the razors I hid in my phone case.
You have no idea how lucky I was so I ran to her grabbed it and ran to my room, I made an identical one, but I replaced the razors with a rubber band.
Not the smartest, but that's what I got.
I'm going to continue the jog, start a bit my forty, relax, write, and continue.
I understood that restricting won't work for me as good as I planned and hoped it to be, excresising my fat off is better.
And another reason why my stomach is hurting, the muscle there is all fucked up.
Too big, but not toned enough.
....
I finished it all, at one round.
That's what it's like to enjoy.
I watched Iron Man 3 with it.
Im saving the rest for my next jog.
I just love that the movie channels are putting or comedies I already have recorded, or depressing dramas, or superhero movies.
I think they are trying to make us ready.
Because after all there are a few that are coming.
...
Tomorrow I'm going to a museum.
School thing.
I was there before.
I didn't enjoy it then.
But I have to go there.
Fucking stupid school.
Like it wasn't enough with today's test.
It was so fucking depressing.
Why?
Well, we had to read a ballad.
The ballad was about Sir Patrick Spens.
Why the fuck do I have to read about two evil old royal bastards sending men to sail in that season?!
Stormy winter, and dangerous winds.
As the usual, with those ballads, a tragic end.
The sailors are doing their best to make the ship go through the storm, but after a while you can't hear their laugh anymore, and all that's left is their hats floating in the ocean.
Their women are waiting and waiting, with their luxrious accessories, waiting for their husbands that will never return.
At the last verse, we are told that far from the city, deep in the sea, Sir Patrick Spens is lying, and with him, the other scottish royals.
The joy in old european literture.
They are always so depressing.
The only ones that aren't in this world are the Irish, Russians, and some of the arabic countries and some in Africa.
The european because they have a stigma of being drunk.
The drunk people there are happy.
In Russia two girls helped to make the alcohol using minimal while the more alcohol you donate, the more clothes are taken off.
In Arabic countries they have something majistic that can be found in the Semi behavior.
Every reason is good enough to party!
A wedding? Horay, lets celebrate the marriage!
A funeral? Horay, lets celebrate life!
I'm not kidding, they are so happy.
And so does in Africa, there are few places where they celebrate monthly.
But, I don't even wonder why?
Have you met the new trend?
The new legal drug, one kind is Ethiopean, the other Yemenite (my family grows it).
...
I can't feel my legs.
I guess it's good.
...
I wonder where would I go after army.
If at all.
I know I want to go somewhere after graduation.
When I'll be finally legal.
Right now Crete is on fire, Turkey used to be the thing, but now not really.
Maybe Iran.
Just kidding.
But really, where?
I want to asia.
So yes, Europe got castles and mueseums and romantic things (Actually I would like to go there), but I like the food, and the culture.
The most of interesting culture is Italy and Spain.
They are pretty much the rudest, happiest, wildest, and the most welcoming to my opinion.
But Asia, oh Asia...
Thailand, Korea, China, Japan.
I'd like to go there and meet the locals.
I'd like to learn about foods.
And INDIA.
India is famous because it's the only place where it's slightly legitimate to return from with dreadlocks.
But I have time for it.
Five more years of that bullshit called school.
.....
My ugliness annoys me.
Why couldn't I be borned as the other girls?
....
Well, I bet that around at middle of March, my smile will have missing teeth again.
...
Why is oatmeal is so high in calories?!
Well, it's filling, but way to high.
...
I like those questions: ""What songs do you self harm to".
Easy.
Every single song that gets stuck in my head.
A song that I like, or a kids tv show song.
Depends.
And sometimes amusing.
.....
Okay, I understand you.
You like to hurt me.
I got it.
It took me time, but I udnerstand it.
Don't worry, or be afriad, or ashamed, don't even bother to hide.
Because my dear, we are the same.
I like to hurt me too.
And if you want to hurt me so much, let's cooperate!
We don't want to make nothing when we can make something.
I can help you with it.
I'm fucking talking to my over eating personallity.
I guess it's better to understand it's not really me.
You know what was the worst today?
My mother made me binge.
She fucking told me to eat the strawberries, no other options.
My stomach hurt as fuck.
When I jogged earlier I could feel the food coming back up.
Today she almost saw the razors I hid in my phone case.
You have no idea how lucky I was so I ran to her grabbed it and ran to my room, I made an identical one, but I replaced the razors with a rubber band.
Not the smartest, but that's what I got.
I'm going to continue the jog, start a bit my forty, relax, write, and continue.
I understood that restricting won't work for me as good as I planned and hoped it to be, excresising my fat off is better.
And another reason why my stomach is hurting, the muscle there is all fucked up.
Too big, but not toned enough.
....
I finished it all, at one round.
That's what it's like to enjoy.
I watched Iron Man 3 with it.
Im saving the rest for my next jog.
I just love that the movie channels are putting or comedies I already have recorded, or depressing dramas, or superhero movies.
I think they are trying to make us ready.
Because after all there are a few that are coming.
...
Tomorrow I'm going to a museum.
School thing.
I was there before.
I didn't enjoy it then.
But I have to go there.
Fucking stupid school.
Like it wasn't enough with today's test.
It was so fucking depressing.
Why?
Well, we had to read a ballad.
The ballad was about Sir Patrick Spens.
Why the fuck do I have to read about two evil old royal bastards sending men to sail in that season?!
Stormy winter, and dangerous winds.
As the usual, with those ballads, a tragic end.
The sailors are doing their best to make the ship go through the storm, but after a while you can't hear their laugh anymore, and all that's left is their hats floating in the ocean.
Their women are waiting and waiting, with their luxrious accessories, waiting for their husbands that will never return.
At the last verse, we are told that far from the city, deep in the sea, Sir Patrick Spens is lying, and with him, the other scottish royals.
The joy in old european literture.
They are always so depressing.
The only ones that aren't in this world are the Irish, Russians, and some of the arabic countries and some in Africa.
The european because they have a stigma of being drunk.
The drunk people there are happy.
In Russia two girls helped to make the alcohol using minimal while the more alcohol you donate, the more clothes are taken off.
In Arabic countries they have something majistic that can be found in the Semi behavior.
Every reason is good enough to party!
A wedding? Horay, lets celebrate the marriage!
A funeral? Horay, lets celebrate life!
I'm not kidding, they are so happy.
And so does in Africa, there are few places where they celebrate monthly.
But, I don't even wonder why?
Have you met the new trend?
The new legal drug, one kind is Ethiopean, the other Yemenite (my family grows it).
...
I can't feel my legs.
I guess it's good.
...
I wonder where would I go after army.
If at all.
I know I want to go somewhere after graduation.
When I'll be finally legal.
Right now Crete is on fire, Turkey used to be the thing, but now not really.
Maybe Iran.
Just kidding.
But really, where?
I want to asia.
So yes, Europe got castles and mueseums and romantic things (Actually I would like to go there), but I like the food, and the culture.
The most of interesting culture is Italy and Spain.
They are pretty much the rudest, happiest, wildest, and the most welcoming to my opinion.
But Asia, oh Asia...
Thailand, Korea, China, Japan.
I'd like to go there and meet the locals.
I'd like to learn about foods.
And INDIA.
India is famous because it's the only place where it's slightly legitimate to return from with dreadlocks.
But I have time for it.
Five more years of that bullshit called school.
.....
My ugliness annoys me.
Why couldn't I be borned as the other girls?
....
Well, I bet that around at middle of March, my smile will have missing teeth again.
...
Why is oatmeal is so high in calories?!
Well, it's filling, but way to high.
...
I like those questions: ""What songs do you self harm to".
Easy.
Every single song that gets stuck in my head.
A song that I like, or a kids tv show song.
Depends.
And sometimes amusing.
...
I'm after shower.
I made tomorrow's breakfast.
Four macaroons with their fillings.
I plan on getting macaroons for tomorrow's museum, and a sandwich or something.
I'll have to wake up early, I'm supposed to be at home by one.
It gives me plenty of time to jog.
I think I'll make something good.
I feel like I want two thousand.
But I'm afraid I won't be able to do it.
Weird.
Well.
My calorie burn goal tomorrow (I stopped counting the consummation them because my fitness pal is full of mistakes and it's not very effective in Israel), will be 1250
I did today 1000.
So I'll raise it up tomorrow.
It's pretty easy after all.
I can always do only jogging.
But I feel like that tomorrow will be a good day for strength too.
I'll see it later.
Well, good night lovelies.
I tried to carve into my skin a snowflake.
I failed miserably.
Now I have my prettiest card from the stock on my ankle tightened with a hair band.
I just hope to have a painless night.
Like that's going to happen...
Haha.
Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it n
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