Weird and sad

I usually remember if I'll have a shitty day or not.

I usually can know it. 

This time?

Not at all. 

I wasn't prepared. 

I'm going to be late for the practice, because my father (now I don't even call him dad, I lost connection with my parents) took the car for his work, my day got all fucked up so far. 

I didn't even ate my usual veggies!

I ate a some rice with some spice and some sauce I made!

And I barely snacked so I'll be good with the running.

Great. 

Now I'm almost ten minutes late. 

I assume I'd be at least 15 minutes late, maximum 25. 

Unless something truly unexpected will occur. 

Shit. 

It's the only word to describe this day. 

Fuck is good but I'd rather keep it for different occasions. 

I can't feel my legs. 

My body is going up on me. 

I'm cold. 

It's smelly. 

And the next bus is twenty minutes away, if it'll even feel like coming!!

Like it wasn't enough what I felt before. 

And I'm in pain thanks to that weird barely healing snowflake. 

Oh so fucking great. 

The next bus comes in thirty minutes!

And now warm tears are streaming down my face. 

Nobody cares about me. 

Nobody ever did.

And the funny thing about it, it's that every single time it surprises me. 

I know there's another car. 

You mentioned I this morning. 

And there are plenty of taxis. 

But no. 

I'm worthless. 

Not even twenty stupid NIS. 

Not even coming outside from home. 

And now the streetlamp is getting dimmer with each second. 

I want so much to just let it go. 

To die. 

I'm half hollow anyway. 

All that's left is to try to stay alive for having the slight chance of living and being what I want to be. 

All I can be comforted now is from old memories. 

Like Bring Me To Life. 

I firstly heard it on the third grade and I liked it a lot. 

I'm tasting my tongue. 

But it tastes like nothing. 

Is that the flavor of empty?

I know my plans for tonight. 

Like they weren't obvious.

Maybe not tonight.

Maybe just in the shower. 

You know I never want to end life. 

But it's unbearable. 

Like, at first, I thought my parents were fighting with each other, being on the verge of getting away from each other. 

It wasn't it. 

They are getting away from me. 

I guess I'm not afraid anymore.

Of being discovered. 

Of body parts getting checked. 

I'm going to be a mental slut. 

Each person that will accept me, I'm his property. 

...

My cycle theory will prove itself again. 

Two of them actually. 

Another person that it's name begins with D that have a lot in common with me is my best friend. 

Which is good, because the last one ended after three or more years. 

And another friend, a girl, that had a lot to say, truthful things, smart things, that her voice is amazing, but she's shy, and we got together very quickly. 

The last time it happened was with Gal. 

And we all know too well how it ended. 

Now it's with Lihi. 

Not the blonde girl from my class. 

The other class, the nice one with the dark brown hair.


...

I'm home.
I entered and said "Don't talk to me".
Which is a pretty good warning that nothing good will come out of communicating with me.
And my mom said "Don't play emotional with dad because he took the car".
Wow.
Supportive.

Why do I have to pay in tears later for you?!
I'm not some kind of a Jesus that "spilled" his blood for their stupid sins!
I'm a fucking preteen that's too confused to even breath.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't have a single idea.

I want to take a bath.
Relax.
Not to eat a dinner.
I'm too upset.
And when I eat while emotion attack mode is on, the activity of eating will be bonded with feeling something.

...

Crap.
It was so long ago since I've heard it for the first time.
I hate getting old.
I feel like I'm missing all the idea of childhood.
I don't think I had any.

Even that little girl won't have it.
The kids from her kindergarten are beating her until she faints on daily basis.
And what's their teacher doing?
Nothing!
Calling her spoiled brat.
So much stupidity in such a small country.
No wonder why I never feel safe.

Why should I anyway?

...

Okay.
I'm after shower and it's almost my bedtime.
But just look at the difference.
If you say that I didn't get any better than before, you must be blind, or you just hate me.

I still don't know how to do the nipples.
Stupid nipples.
And if thinking about that the hair isn't that great.
And the ribcage isn't good either.
And there's a fuck-up in her butt.
But it's better than before!
And I actually like it!
I have few plans to draw, but I'll just make few sketches, I'll decide tomorrow.


I'm inspired, I got to leave.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.