Stop

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO BE?!

Never good enough. 

That's what I look like to you. 

No wonder why I'm like this. 

I just watched emo cutters oh Onision (his name is not Greg, Greg is dead), and it got me in a sensitive spot, because I know my life isn't so shitty, but I act like so, and I hate myself for it, which makes me suffer a bit more because I shouldn't even feel it, but then I pity myself, an then I hate myself ten times more, because somehow I deserve this for acting like it is a big deal, I can go on and on but I won't. 

And then my mother yelled on me. 

And slowly those emotions (I hate to feel, it's so shitty in so many different levels, depression is way better if thinking about it, at least you're bored and can't feel, now I'm bored and feel it), and it made my voice sound fragile. 

And then she did what she always do. 

Talk in an aggressive tone because I'm crying. 

It cracked me, and I just fell apart. 

I yelled back "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!" I said so many things. 

I'm so frustrated, she tells me this is not a normal behavior. 

As a child she said normal is boring and bad. 

What the fuck are you telling me now?!

All I want to do is to hurt myself. 

And I'm fake. 

So I just violently climbed to bed while trying to pull out my hair (she was still in the room, scratching is more visible). 

She told me she's not leaving until I say politely good night. 

I screamed it with anger. 

She mumbled that it's not a normal behavior again. 

I just feel so fake. 

And when I think I deserve it, I call myself an attention whore, because it tells me I'm doing it only for attention. 

And after I harm myself in some way, I tell myself I'm stupid and pathetic. 

And then I don't eat, and I call myself fat liar, because nothing happens, and I'm just doing it for attention again. 

And I can't stop. 

I don't know if I even want to. 

I don't enjoy it. 

Yet, I can't see myself in anywhere else. 

I hate everything. 

Or that's what I'm telling myself to cope with it. 

It seems less concentrated this way. 

Hating myself and hating everything is the same thing, the fact that I'm making it a two different things making it to seem less harmful. 

I don't know what to do anymore. 

I don't want to stay here anymore. 

It's not that anybody will actually help. 

Therapy isn't working when you don't cooperate. 

This is the worst or the best, even this I can't tell.