Emotionally abusing dragon

This is where I'm supposed to freak out?

Or few months later..?

I just completely forgot about it. 

I'm right now sitting with Sapir. 

It's nice to be with her. 

She's not bitchy. 

So yes, she can be annoying, but so am I. 

Well, we just talked about dreams, and foreseeing and seeing the past. 

I figured out something that is currently making me afraid. 

Do you remember that I had the dream about me self harming again, an almost comitting suicide glad/sad about it. 

Well, as you remember, few posts ago, my mother checked on me.

Now.

It's now the time.
Why?
Because I'm so fucking sick of life.
So sick of breathing.
I'm not breathing.
I'm not allowed to.
Breath in.
Hold it, maybe you'll be lucky enough to pass out.
Fuck.
You fucking weak pussy.
Die.
That's what you're so desprate to do.
But you're too weak.
Too scared.
Too stupid.
What can I say...
You failed.

In everything.

You need to die.
You loose anyway all the hope in the idea of leaving.
Faithless.
And don't bother to lie to me that it's not true, you know it is.
And even if you will, you'll be out fat.
Fat.
But don't worry, I don't blame you, I blame your mother, our mother.
She made us to have COD, because of her you want to cut, drown, hold you breath, die, starve, everything, maybe as a failing way to cope with your shitty life, the hell-alike life, maybe for attention so somebody will finally notice how miserable you are.
STOP CRYING.
You know what?
Keep on doing so, maybe somebody will notice.
I'm sorry for telling you this lie, nobody cares about you anyway, and if somebody will come in , it's your mother, who will yell at you if you don't tell, and will yell at you and will make you to feel like a complete shit if you do.
She doesn't get you.
I am.
And you know that I am, very alike you, and judgemental as well.
Meaning? Start to hear me, and if you can't, remember what I'm saying, don't eat when upset, or emotional, don't fucking eat.
That's it.
It's not that hard, isn't it?
I know you don't like eating anyway, so you don't have to!
Just stay in your room, here that Youtube Mix for the XXX time, and just write, something you missed doing, and draw, and do whatever you want, you see my love? I want you to feel good, my girl, I want you to be happy.
And trust me dear, I'm the only one you should trust, in no-time you'll be happy again, you'll enjoy, you'll be able to hear again, to see again, too be happy, maybe you'll get better with your guitar, maybe you'lll finally feel whole, maybe somebody will care. 

...

Great. 

Exactly what I planned as "what not to do until you're 14" list, fucking happens, sex was there, but now it's on sixteen, along with smoking, and drinking, yes sixteen. 

Well, now here it is. 

Welcome to my funeral, appetizers and dessert will be served at 7:31, the body will be burnt at 7:45, and a grill over the body's ashes will begin as well.

This is it. 

I'm so fucking dead. 

I'm starting my riot. 

Congratulate me. 

Wish me luck. 

Because, this is, and this is only, my suicide wave. 

Suicide wave, is the storm after the calm passed away, people are crying, regretting, being depressed, everything, you name it, it'll happen. 

That's it. 

I'm sick of being her target (remember it? Oh the blog memories, guys I know you over a year, and I'm comfortable with tellin you have suicidal I am, and you stay), emotionally abused child that cried in her corner.

I'm not in this show anymore. 

The worst ones are about weight, mental illness, not fitting in, beauty. 

I don't want to hear her again saying "your insanity doesn't fit me anymore", or "you're not eating. Go eat.", and then "of course your stomach hurts, you ate too much", fucking bitch. 

If it doesn't fit you anymore, buy a size smaller, your disordered eating doesn't fit me anyway, I guess I'll shrink mysel to fit you?! Fuckung bitch. 

No eating and over eating, all caused by your emotional abusing. 

I want to scream. 

But I can't. 

Because I'm no tucking allowed to. 

Oh wait. 

I have an idea. 

I just hope that my tools are here. 

They aren't. 

Are your ready?

I'm not. 

But I'll be if you are!

Please tell me were ready. 

I want to get there already!!

I'm desperate. 

And this is where I have to start. 

Start as fast as you can, then go faster. 

Will you help me?

I am ready, come on dear, get yourself prepared, you just need me. 

Hey,hey,hey! Not so quick, you'll have to be patient, trust me, in the end, time will go faster with not eating, with cutting, with being busy all the time, thing about the other girls, your thinspo, they don't have time to eat! So they don't!

And you're right, I like that quote by the way, just remember that I'm here. 

Just remember what to do when you see them?

Dig deep, dig hard, don't ever look back. 

What to do when you're awake?

Look at them with seven eyes. 

What to so when you're asleep?

Look at them with one eye. 

Oh, with Kevin!

Okay, I will.

So dear, please tell me one thing, why?

Well, I thought they knew what was the best for me, and I was weak, and stupid, and I wa....

Stop! No

You're wrong. 

It was because of her.

When you let that bond go and it'll be lonely it'll jump right out of the window, you'll be free, and thin, and you'll hear, and you'll see, and you'll feel. 

Okay! I promise!

Goodnight my girl, soon I'd call you my doll, and then my angel, and then my monster, and then the death of you....

What?

Nothing. 

Nothing at all.