Day 25

I looked at photos two days ago, for that stupid family album we had to make (I ended doing it not about how you supposed to do it, because I don't consider mother fater and children as a family, I consider people who are cooperating together, being a huge unseperateable group that no matter what sticks together, if you'd ask me, there are so many fake families. 

So, back to the story. 

I saw a picture of myself lying on my cousins (was around twenty or something at the time) lap, and you could've seen her face. 

I just looked and wondered, who is she?

Then I checked the description (we write stuff near the photos so well know from where it is), and it's my cousin. 

Okay, there she looks really fat, like incredible round face and two chins. 

Now?

Oh, she looks like she came out of a playboy magazine. 

So slender, so beautiful, like a perfect doll. 

Few months ago I officially considered her as thinspo. 

That's slightly fucked up. 

The whole family thinks she's on the verge of anorexia. 

Okay, something weird is happening, I really hope it's only for the first two days or so, but my period. 

It's incredibly thick, and you can't feel it. 

And it's so light, I'm slightly afraid that I've done something wrong with the pills. 

Well, I hope it'll be good. 

....

I'm so fucking ugly!

I can't stand it anymore!

My face is fucking awful. 

That ugly too big nose and my terribly wide lips, and my small eyes and the long head, and my fuckung cubby cheeks!

I'm so fucking ugly. 

Why can't I be lovely?!

Why can't I have an actual color?!

I'm not tan, or black, or white, I'm just poop. 

I want to kill this body. 

This body isn't bearable. 

I feel like I'm intentionally hurting everybody around me with my ugliness. 

I'm no fucking kidding. 

I actually feel that thy don't deserve to suffer me. 

I can barely hear half the time, I'm confused, I don't care enough, and you can't look at me because I'm disgusting. 

This whole thing should be over with puberty, I really can't stay this way. 

Nobody deserves to suffer. 

And I have that weird ugly shaples body. 

I fucking hate my ass, it looks so big and ugly!!

It just doesn't match. 

I fuckin hate my lower body. 

I need it to disappear. 

....

I'm glad I let that out, because now I'm mostly positive. 

I got really awful scores in 60m and 80m and I simply swung it off (came from the song bujaj sie), I have no idea why. 

And I'm not joking when I say that I saw my friend's hipbones, and all the slender girls, and it didn't effect me. 

Weird, but it's a very good weird. 

I'm in control of this fucked up thoughts. 

I drank some zero earlier, I craved something sweet for a very long while and it caused me to binge because nothing satisfied me (I'm making my own food today, so it's better), and I feel way better. 

The pain from the coke gas hurts more than cramps and just the whole digestion and bowel area. 

I desperately need to go and poop. 

It fucking hurts and weighs me down. 

I really hope is poop by tomorrow morning and I'll be able to be slightl more happy with my weight, I am changing from 46.5-48 (48 with food weight, usually empty is max 47.5 which happened over a week or two ago, but it counts), which could've been worse, but it sucks. 

Although I have found pictures of my body semi-nude (underwear, and just raising my top so I could see my belly), and I just see the change. 

My stomach got way flatter and better looking. 

I really want a small cute but, and the thinner thighs that comes with it. 

But I'm willing to wait and enjoy it. 

Savour it. 

I got time. 

My days are smearing off together anyway. 

OH!

What if is weigh less after my period ends?

I really hope it will. 

I always have this COE phase before and I'm so frustrated with it because I don't understand from where it came although I take pill every evening a little before it starts and through it. 

It's weird and I beat myself for it, but it could've been worse. 

I could do it outside the 10 pill days. 

In thirteen days I'm starting with the pills again. 

If thinking about it, it's birth control pills, but the opposite, instead of avoiding having a baby and an unsuccessful ovulation, mine makes sure I'll get a period with successful ovulation. 

My mothers ovulation is really fucked up, she barely ovulated, and she just bleeds, meaning, if she'll have sex, nothing will happen, because even if the sperm reaches there, it won't do anything, because it doesn't got anything to do with. 

Wow, I'm freakishly happy today. 

Well, it used to be my everyday self few years ago (I'm getting old! I'll thirteen in less than a month), and I missed it, but now it just seems weird. 

I'm going today to make noodles, with tofu, and delicous healthy vegan shit. 

I'll might have a small emotion realese, that soon I won't have for two weeks, which is wonderful. 

I'll make cookies, and try to make them tasting really good, and my wish is to fatten them up so my mother will eat them and gain weight (although I'm weight wise slimmer, bmi, she's smaller if the information I got might be not 

accurate), it's slightly weird, but hey, at least I'm not putting flavorless powder/liquid/something that's super high cal. 

I'm good. 

It reminds me that one time somebody asked me how do I feel, and I looked in the answer box (at this time I didn't know that open chat servers are open for member less people, I had my first account when it wasn't open for member less), and I saw Good. I obviously clicked it, and it turned to be I am Good. 

Then I understood and quickly wrote:

I am Evil (their clothes are better and I like the lunar quests better, they have better clothing), it was awkward. 

But nothing like the amount if times that random males are just coming to me or I follow them because we're in the same party, and they just start to dance. 

For me the age varies from eight to nineteen. 

I was eight with my first account, and I saw nineteeners play it, same with fifteeners. 

It's weird but, what can you do, it got a dragon, and it got parodies in the main plot. 

All I have to say is in the werewolf/vampire chaos chapter, there's a whole cutscene with Edvard, who's a sparkly vampire who uses a shit load of hair gel. 

Hmm... I wonder who can it be?

Not. 

...

I'm back from the weekly "let's squeeze the emotions out of dvash" hour. 

She talked a bit about eds, mostly anorexia and bulimia, and really one time about obesity, I'd rather say that the obese through mental illness is COE or BED, but I'm not the one who'll educate a psychologist/therapist about mental illnesses that relate directly to food (everything effects in some way to food, some directly), right?

I smiled inside about it. 

I thought it was amusing that Ive learned all of those ways. 

I stuffed myself for such a long while (if thinking about it, I could've been a thin and beautiful thirteen year old instead of my current body), and I gained weight like crazy, I taught myself to fast and learned calories and weight loss and all kind of it, I've read tips, I learned how to purge, and practiced it multiple times, with only two or so times of successful ones. 

I understood today that I feel like a failure after every time I cut. 

A. For cutting being my most efficient and my first coping method. 

B. For putting me in that month long phase of fear if it'll be discovered. 

C. Because each time I cut it looks pathetic, and it's not deep enough.