Friday

I simply don't react well for people who see everything I do!
My limits are tested every fucking day.
Don't look at me, just don't!
Until I feel comfortable-ish with talking to somebody, somebody else has to corrupt the process, ain't it this way?!
I'm tired of it, I want to talk freely, with a friend, without having to even think about it.
Now,  I'm a fucking hider, I need to burn and dispose everything I do after I finish it.
I'm not like everybody that it's ashamed, it doesn't know where to bear itself, well, I literally want to.
I feel like my world is collapsing each time that it happens.
I'm seriously incapable of being judged, and I'm a judgemental person, which makes it worse, because I can't do what I want others to do.
Well, I assume that I'd live in a fucking bubble forever.

May I stop hear myself thinking (I'm so happy that I can raise the volume when I hear music) and I'll begin with writing about my day, and the day before.

Yesterday, I arrived late to the Ram event, and I started to panic, because I thought that.
OH FUCK IT WAS ALL MY OWN FAULT.
WHY DO I ALWAYS BRING PAIN TO MYSELF?!
I'd explain later.
But I thought that I'd get some rough feedback for being late.
I was preparing myself for a bad feeling, and nervousness, after seeing that the teacher was late, I just dragged my body down the wall to sit down, preparations are exhausting!
I talked a bit to the other kids (all of them are ninth graders, and their personalities are different, so I can't generalize them, much) and suddenly, Tal (the teacher with the long description) came out, said hi, I replied as well, and after a minute, Sharon and Ayelet came out, and hugged me, I quickly curled into a ball, I'm not a hugger, and I didn't know what they were doing, after all, they just came out of their classroom and hugged me, without any apparent reason.
I asked them why are they hugging me, and hear this out, it's worth it "Tal said that you seemed grumpy and that you needed a hug", now, please, try to imagine my reaction.
Gah-doh-bah? Is a good reaction, that will describe everything that passed in my head.
I was so confused.
How? What? Okay, another reason to stay at Ram, you'll never understand the mysteries of the people who teach their (or learn/ed there) but you'd stay to make the best of it.

Fast forward to the point where the teacher comes, we learned some cool nunchaku tricks!
We practiced with softer ones, and then with wooden ones.
After managing to be able to physically hurt some air, we learned how to stab, and avoiding being stabbed.
That was magical, and I was pinned to the ground at some point by the teacher, who used me as an example, my neck just made the crispiest noise I've ever heard!
After food, we enjoyed watching an epic movie, named Big Fish, by Tim Burton.
I WAS AMAZED BY THE PLOT, AND HOW COLORFUL AND BEAUTIFUL IT WAS.
Most of the movie we talked, and nobody cared about it, because we were the only ones who actually watched the movie.
We also laughed a lot, and we is Daniela, Sharon, and I.

After the movie's end (please watch it, you'll thank me later), we watched some partly-bad translated movies, and it was okay-ish.
The best part is when they translated College Humor into College Hammer, that was stupid, ridiculous, and made me wonder, what the actual fuck?
We watched a part from their Badman, and a part from other movies or other visual things (they translated Dumb Ways To Die as well) and we watched some presentations and performances of the jugglers.
We also watched our animation movie, and the epic movie of the ninth graders, Godzilla, that was made from toys, lego people, and Haim, the place-keeper, well, not a place-keeper, more like a utility, and a crew member, from the strange amount of people in that school.


Well, before I'd explain why it was my fault (even though that it's not important), I'm going to continue.

Today I woke up later than what I usually do, at seven, well, a little earlier, but still, I wake up at five am.
I plugged my phone in, and went to read some "lovely" news.
As I came to school, I enjoyed with some conversations, and played soccer.
It was all cute and fun, until I kicked the ball into a ninth grader's nose.
I didn't see him, and I kicked it quite powerfully, so, I started to seriously hate myself, and feel awful, and I just couldn't take the thought of hurting myself, because I hurt him, I should at least feel physical pain just as much.
I almost cried, I'm not even kidding.
Gladly, Yael calmed me down, and Shani, without her to notice, did as well.
Then some dodgeball, that I was great at, and then a game.
I didn't care much about the game, so I suffered.

Afterwards, I went to Yael's for making the Arabic project, for the second time, because on the first we had a lot of grammar issues and alike.
Gladly, she let us to fix it.

Yael told me today, that Shira is afraid of me.
I was confused and slightly hurt at first, after all, I don't want to be feared by the one who I love, I want to be feared by the ones who brought me torture, and there aren't many that are left with this title, and the X on their forehead that I gave them.
Yael explained that it's because that Shira thinks that I'm going to replace her as Yael's best friend.

Pffft, me and my trust issues?
Funny, very funny.
I can't trust people anymore because of what everybody did to me! When people turn their back on you, over and over, you just don't seem to feel anything with people, and don't want to do anything that relates to them.

But it's quite nice, that people think that you are normal.
One of my closer friends, is a girl who used to be suicidal (I really hope it's used to rather than still is) and she has a lot of mental dysfunctions, and she's epic.
She has a problem with English, her brain is unable to learn it (I'm really interested about how?) and she is very childish, and not as a choice, sort of a brain dysfunction, or a mental illness, and she tried very hard to find friends, but when you're an outcast, that by every single thing that you possibly are makes you a target for being bullied, you can't find any.

I'm so glad that my teacher brought us to sit together.
I can understand why nobody from her class bothers to communicate with her, but it's better for her, I don't want her to get hurt by those filthy and freezy hearted children, she's not as low as them.
She's average when it comes to more "simple" things like her hatred for math, and her affection for One Direction (rocking the world with ultimately depressing lyrics that just scream "give those fans some mental help!") and how simple and amazing she is.
She is a wonderful girl.
Only because that I know about her problems, who make her to be who she is, and that it's her personality and not a mask, it makes me enjoy her company.
I get along with people who are who they are, and that I know that they can't change, and won't change.
I enjoy them better this way.



I just don't get it, I made a ninth grader to nosebleed.
Or that I'm the strongest person at school, or I'm the biggest failure in it.
It's all matter of your point of view.
I can legitimately hurt older kids, but I don't want to.

Even though that on the nunchuck lesson, we learned how to avoid stabs, meaning, I attempted to pierce a lung with a fucking dagger shaped silicone weapon.

......


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