You know what's weird? I noticed that I get a bit anxious from going to school, but after a while that I'm there, with a rather trusted person, I'm okay. Does that even make sense? I hope it does.
Okay, I'm really happy-ish now.
I was happier earlier, but I ate a bit more pineapple, so a bit less, but anyway...
All I ate is red pitaya, a cup and a bit of pineapple, and a can of coke zero!
It's nothing! And it's a great beginning for getting back on track!
I also might go to jog with Dabush tomorrow, I know... AWESOME!
Why am I doing this again?
I'm not as triggered as I used to be, but I was called "fat" by Yael, and I don't even remember why, I was masking my fury and agony (you have no idea how deep it cuts you, it's awful) by numbness, all I remember that I was called this way.
And the scale showed a number that was 48-49, maybe because I wasn't empty, and pooping became hard after my diet included mostly pitas and hummuses.
I wrote a large "G" in red on my left palm.
I was both embarrassed by the meaning (gained), and by the fact that people could question me about it!
Gladly it's gone now.
But I made some plans and did some research (where? shops near me that sells fitbits and jawbones, my pro ana, random or known names that make fat loss videos), and I'm planning to get a Jawbone UP24 or a Fitbit Flex soon.
And in soon I mean probably during or after the holidays.
I planned to ask for some online discs money, but I long for an accurate thing to help me.
And for crying out loud, that "be happy" thing of mine, won't work near people.
I just find it harder when I'm anxious and mostly happy because of the adrenaline that attempts to save me from this anxious shitty thing.
I feel like the whole holiday I was okay, is because no triggers, no need to weigh myself (it's a part of my morning routine, can't help it, sometimes after I spend some quality time in the "narnia" room -loo, because only in our house we spend plenty of time there like this- I might weigh myself, to be more accurate), no bad things to think, no girls around me, complaining that doing an exercise is too painful.
It's painful to them because of how protruding their spines are.
And for me, it's such a sad thing, because I never felt it, you know how sad it is to me? It's like, I'm too fat to bruise!
I just have such incredible serenity in home.
I wish I could just stay at home all the time, but sadly, that not an option that I can have.
I just have thissmall quite big, urge, to just... Isolate myself.
I know, I know...
If you want it so much, then why not? And that's a indeed, very good question. It has no answer what-so-ever.'m
I guess I'm just afraid,
Good night.
Okay, I'm really happy-ish now.
I was happier earlier, but I ate a bit more pineapple, so a bit less, but anyway...
All I ate is red pitaya, a cup and a bit of pineapple, and a can of coke zero!
It's nothing! And it's a great beginning for getting back on track!
I also might go to jog with Dabush tomorrow, I know... AWESOME!
Why am I doing this again?
I'm not as triggered as I used to be, but I was called "fat" by Yael, and I don't even remember why, I was masking my fury and agony (you have no idea how deep it cuts you, it's awful) by numbness, all I remember that I was called this way.
And the scale showed a number that was 48-49, maybe because I wasn't empty, and pooping became hard after my diet included mostly pitas and hummuses.
I wrote a large "G" in red on my left palm.
I was both embarrassed by the meaning (gained), and by the fact that people could question me about it!
Gladly it's gone now.
But I made some plans and did some research (where? shops near me that sells fitbits and jawbones, my pro ana, random or known names that make fat loss videos), and I'm planning to get a Jawbone UP24 or a Fitbit Flex soon.
And in soon I mean probably during or after the holidays.
I planned to ask for some online discs money, but I long for an accurate thing to help me.
And for crying out loud, that "be happy" thing of mine, won't work near people.
I just find it harder when I'm anxious and mostly happy because of the adrenaline that attempts to save me from this anxious shitty thing.
I feel like the whole holiday I was okay, is because no triggers, no need to weigh myself (it's a part of my morning routine, can't help it, sometimes after I spend some quality time in the "narnia" room -loo, because only in our house we spend plenty of time there like this- I might weigh myself, to be more accurate), no bad things to think, no girls around me, complaining that doing an exercise is too painful.
It's painful to them because of how protruding their spines are.
And for me, it's such a sad thing, because I never felt it, you know how sad it is to me? It's like, I'm too fat to bruise!
I just have such incredible serenity in home.
I wish I could just stay at home all the time, but sadly, that not an option that I can have.
I just have this
I know, I know...
If you want it so much, then why not? And that's a indeed, very good question. It has no answer what-so-ever.'m
I guess I'm just afraid,
Good night.
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