I love you.

I don't have much to say to you, but I want to blog, so I may begin writing and soon ideas will come around.

Today I arrived at school just a bit after the bell rang, and still made it in time, I just out-walked my teacher.

Oh! In math I had a panic attack.
Nothing weird or unusual, there was a bug (some white butterfly or something that looked like a huge albino fly, and I'm cringing now) and I started having this really big heavy and short breathing, my eyes just started crying, and then one boy who's a desk behind me, thought it was funny to tell me that there's a butterfly above me.
And shit just got worse.
I started crying but still suffocated them, I didn't want to make a scene, it will obviously make it worse.
This boy was from my previous class, the difference between them to the new ones, are that the old ones have no tact and they don't fucking care, the new ones, will offer help, as rude and foul mouthed they are, they will be there.
A teacher moved a girl to a sit in front of me, and that girl noticed that I was crying and having trouble breathing, she asked me if I'm alright, and I obviously lied.
Then the teacher told that girl to turn around, and that girl said "Wait, Dvash is crying."
I didn't even mind that I was publicly crying, it was bad guys, that bad.
And the teacher asked me what happened, I removed my hands from my face. From some reason I put them on my nose and mouth in some triangular shape, in order to keep me from breathing the bug air or something, or to help me regulate my breath, or to just hide myself.
I said multiple times "Bug" because as it appears to be, my words were slurred.
She asked me if I wanted to switch places, I nodded, I didn't want to really, my sitting spot is quite comfortable and sided.
I ended up sitting next to Barzam, which is pretty nice, he's a good guy, to be honest, probably one of the better ones to sit with.
I just think that all of the Ido's in that specific class, are nice.
The only one that could compete is Weizi, because he's that kind of person, fascinated by it, but it's better that I didn't, he might be to intrigued and would want to see what I'm drawing or writing.


Anyway, a few minutes ago, I was starting to slightly panic.
I just don't know what to call these, the levels are clearly not as high as what I experienced today, but they aren't all rainbows and sunshines either!


I just remember that I wanted to be hugged by somebody trustworthy that feels protective.
Like my dad.
And I'm about to cry now... Maybe it's the song... Combined with the thought.

I want to just die sometimes because of this awful thing, I can't live with this awful thing, I can't function.
I just want to kill myself because of it, so I won't have to deal with it ever again.
I know that it's selfish, it's obviously is, but it's killing me in the inside.
I need to make it stop, but I'm not looking forward for some probing officials and people with the authority to do things, I just want to solve it by myself, sadly, the solution is... The undoable.

I'm tired of this bullshit.
Seriously, nobody has the power for such crushing events.
I'm a disappointment to society, letting down everyone, my moods aren't very stable, which means that it's or depressed or an energy bomb, and it changes quite frequently and it's very fragile.

I think about asking my parents to take me again to some person who will treat it.
Last time didn't help much, I mean, it's one thing when you can even slightly control it, but it kills you when you discover that the truth is that... You can't.

I want to, and it's for my own good, but as I know myself, in the morning I'll convince myself that I'm alright, and I just overreacted.


I'm sorry that I'm letting you down.