So...
Last night was a bit whacky.
I'm not going to the bazaar today, I have nothing to really buy there, I'm not in an extreme need for leggings, or any Rock Chang shirts, or whatever.
At most, I need boots.
Oh, by the way shoes and things, I need to stitch my vans.
Maybe later.
Okay, I would like to say: STERI-STRIPS ARE THAT GOOD.
I haven't tried to pull 'em [I like saying 'em] off, but by their look, they are in a different league from my stupid attempt with tape and a bandage like the last cut from them, wow, the tape is really strong, so it's quite awful to use.
Over the cut it doesn't hurt, but the skin, being pulled by the super-strong tape? Wow.
Anyway, all I do now, is like always, sit on the beanbag, not moving my thighs too much, and getting some bad-ass finger muscles!
I need to load up all the CD's that I found at my dad's office-room.
I have now plenty of Arabic music.
I also got Aya Korem, and I used to hear it a lot in car rides, this, and a song named "Parole"
I need to also take pictures of my things.
Okay, soon.
Oh I wanted to say something, when I occasionally try to find out what the hell is wrong with me [except puberty] I find people saying that exercising helps.
Fuck you, it doesn't.
If it did, you'd see me being an energy-bombs, I get the option to be one when I'm:
A) Anxious.
B) Alone.
C) Fasting.
D) Actually happy.
So, anxious actually happens quite often {"don't screw up with them!"}, and being alone happens sometimes, but not always, I don't fast anymore, and right now happy is something that I'd get back soon.
I'm going soon to get some balance or just go to the other side, unbalanced, anyway, it won't be bad.
Well, I really like the gauze pads I bought, I guess it reminds me of when my dad would bring tons of it, they were from the IDF, we also had the cool tape.
I just enjoy the "cutting" questions for now, I'm blocked again, there's some dumb "loyal" who hates me.
Seriously, I get enough shit for actually speaking up my mind like they requested, and not just petting their ego and making them feel okay when it's not okay.
I'm going to show you the funny ones:
"With what people cut? Normal knives or shaving razors? (don't worry, it's or a play we're raising in front of the rest of the teen movement [me: probably scouts] and I don't want to look stupid in this part of the play)"
Now, most answers says that they are not really picky.
Am I the only one who would look at you like you just landed from the moon when you'd say that you cut with normal knives?
It's jagged and messy, and really weird.
You make more mess than you actually cut.
Oh, I'm blocked.
For two days... It would be a hell.
I hate these disgusting people who falsely report me.
They have no idea what their hatred can do.
It hurts, I have people there, and these people and I are pretty close for online buddies.
One dude got a lot better, today, in this very morning, he was really happy.
Another, I just have no idea what he might do, he's a danger to himself, and I care about him.
I also got these different emo girls who are really nice to me.
I got also some cool other girls and a couple of whackjobs around.
Fuck, I want to cut now, on my wrist.
I know, I know... What an attention whore...
But I do think that I should make my parents see that's something is simply not alright.
I need help.
A form of "help" that actually helps, not a bunch of pens and paper and a bit of "let's talk about it".
So far, it got me tonowhere. to relapse.
I absolutely despise this treatment I get.
I feel like I'm a fatass around her.
Like a failure.
It just makes me feel shitty.
Oh, okay, I'm a bit better.
I reread that one things, describes exactly what happens after you kill yourself.
I don't want to hurt them.
It's not like my life sucks, I'm being teased, struggling with something or anything like that.
My life is perfect, the person who I present to the world is basically flawless.
I just feel like the world is better without me.
I'm such an awful person.
But I won't die, so I won't hurt them, I've hurt them enough so far.
I just can't allow it.
Oh, I just want to end myself.
Things are getting worse, but even if I'd try to ask for help, nothing would help.
The psychiatrist thinks that I'm just being another on under puberty, and he's probably right.
But the fact that he's right doesn't really matter, I still feel the way I do.
I need help, but I can never get it....
I think that the psychiatrist had to deal with so many attention whores and emos from '07 that he simply lost faith in the juvenile.
I would too if I were him.
I look like enough like I'm emo in their eyes [if I had brown hair it would be different, I'm certain of it] so they just won't give a fuck.
Why these assholes had to do it? Why? So I won't get any way out?
Oh, I'm going to answer self harm questions from stips here.
Maybe I'd be able to sort out my mind.
"Are cutters here? Why do you do it? It's ugly and painful and not calming at all, may I at least get an explanation? Is it for attention?"
And let's begin.
Yes.
I don't know, I can only guess.
I know it's ugly and painful and all it makes you in the end more anxious, but that's a part of it, the pain is one, like many that said, ugly takes a toll as well, to make others feel disgusted by my awful presence, that they'll see how mangled I am and they should beware, calming... I find the treatment very calming.
You see, this one I'm not sure always about, usually, I do it for myself, as I believe I truly deserve it, but sometimes, I want to cut in obvious places, whether it's for making me anxious, and whether it's for somebody to finally realise that something is very wrong in here.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I need to cut again, but I'm sick of causing problems.
I feel like nothing helps me, I don't want to start again, it's just a pain in the ass.
I just wish that I'd pleasantly cease to exist, and I'd stop hurting people.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't know if I'll cut or not.
I'm not even in the mood for doing anything.
I know I should, I deserve it... I know I do.
Maybe it's because it's too early.
Maybe later... Maybe.
I just wish I could finally rest.
I need to get help.
Soon....
I want help... The one that works, not the one I get.
I know about Placebo effect, but dear, there are times where you should simply cure it.
Don't tell me that only I can help myself, at most I can wait patiently until I hate my body instead of my personality.
You see, it's or I fast, or I cut.
The inbetween is rare.
I just feel like I shouldn't do anything anymore.
I'm tired of hurting people, I'm tired of destroying things for others, I'm tired of making others worry, I'm tired of being me.
I just shouldn't exist.
I just need some time to sort it out, maybe get some help.
I hate people who have no idea when they can properly say "indeed".
You are so wrong, in so many levels, that it offends me.
Well, pardon me mister man-who-thinks-it's-alright-to-treat-such-a-language-this-way, but don't you think it's quite disrespectful?
Well, talk to you tomorrow, I wonder what this night will bring.
Last night was a bit whacky.
I'm not going to the bazaar today, I have nothing to really buy there, I'm not in an extreme need for leggings, or any Rock Chang shirts, or whatever.
At most, I need boots.
Oh, by the way shoes and things, I need to stitch my vans.
Maybe later.
Okay, I would like to say: STERI-STRIPS ARE THAT GOOD.
I haven't tried to pull 'em [I like saying 'em] off, but by their look, they are in a different league from my stupid attempt with tape and a bandage like the last cut from them, wow, the tape is really strong, so it's quite awful to use.
Over the cut it doesn't hurt, but the skin, being pulled by the super-strong tape? Wow.
Anyway, all I do now, is like always, sit on the beanbag, not moving my thighs too much, and getting some bad-ass finger muscles!
I need to load up all the CD's that I found at my dad's office-room.
I have now plenty of Arabic music.
I also got Aya Korem, and I used to hear it a lot in car rides, this, and a song named "Parole"
I need to also take pictures of my things.
Okay, soon.
Oh I wanted to say something, when I occasionally try to find out what the hell is wrong with me [except puberty] I find people saying that exercising helps.
Fuck you, it doesn't.
If it did, you'd see me being an energy-bombs, I get the option to be one when I'm:
A) Anxious.
B) Alone.
C) Fasting.
D) Actually happy.
So, anxious actually happens quite often {"don't screw up with them!"}, and being alone happens sometimes, but not always, I don't fast anymore, and right now happy is something that I'd get back soon.
I'm going soon to get some balance or just go to the other side, unbalanced, anyway, it won't be bad.
Well, I really like the gauze pads I bought, I guess it reminds me of when my dad would bring tons of it, they were from the IDF, we also had the cool tape.
I just enjoy the "cutting" questions for now, I'm blocked again, there's some dumb "loyal" who hates me.
Seriously, I get enough shit for actually speaking up my mind like they requested, and not just petting their ego and making them feel okay when it's not okay.
I'm going to show you the funny ones:
"With what people cut? Normal knives or shaving razors? (don't worry, it's or a play we're raising in front of the rest of the teen movement [me: probably scouts] and I don't want to look stupid in this part of the play)"
Now, most answers says that they are not really picky.
Am I the only one who would look at you like you just landed from the moon when you'd say that you cut with normal knives?
It's jagged and messy, and really weird.
You make more mess than you actually cut.
Oh, I'm blocked.
For two days... It would be a hell.
I hate these disgusting people who falsely report me.
They have no idea what their hatred can do.
It hurts, I have people there, and these people and I are pretty close for online buddies.
One dude got a lot better, today, in this very morning, he was really happy.
Another, I just have no idea what he might do, he's a danger to himself, and I care about him.
I also got these different emo girls who are really nice to me.
I got also some cool other girls and a couple of whackjobs around.
Fuck, I want to cut now, on my wrist.
I know, I know... What an attention whore...
But I do think that I should make my parents see that's something is simply not alright.
I need help.
A form of "help" that actually helps, not a bunch of pens and paper and a bit of "let's talk about it".
So far, it got me to
I absolutely despise this treatment I get.
I feel like I'm a fatass around her.
Like a failure.
It just makes me feel shitty.
Oh, okay, I'm a bit better.
I reread that one things, describes exactly what happens after you kill yourself.
I don't want to hurt them.
It's not like my life sucks, I'm being teased, struggling with something or anything like that.
My life is perfect, the person who I present to the world is basically flawless.
I just feel like the world is better without me.
I'm such an awful person.
But I won't die, so I won't hurt them, I've hurt them enough so far.
I just can't allow it.
Oh, I just want to end myself.
Things are getting worse, but even if I'd try to ask for help, nothing would help.
The psychiatrist thinks that I'm just being another on under puberty, and he's probably right.
But the fact that he's right doesn't really matter, I still feel the way I do.
I need help, but I can never get it....
I think that the psychiatrist had to deal with so many attention whores and emos from '07 that he simply lost faith in the juvenile.
I would too if I were him.
I look like enough like I'm emo in their eyes [if I had brown hair it would be different, I'm certain of it] so they just won't give a fuck.
Why these assholes had to do it? Why? So I won't get any way out?
Oh, I'm going to answer self harm questions from stips here.
Maybe I'd be able to sort out my mind.
"Are cutters here? Why do you do it? It's ugly and painful and not calming at all, may I at least get an explanation? Is it for attention?"
And let's begin.
Yes.
I don't know, I can only guess.
I know it's ugly and painful and all it makes you in the end more anxious, but that's a part of it, the pain is one, like many that said, ugly takes a toll as well, to make others feel disgusted by my awful presence, that they'll see how mangled I am and they should beware, calming... I find the treatment very calming.
You see, this one I'm not sure always about, usually, I do it for myself, as I believe I truly deserve it, but sometimes, I want to cut in obvious places, whether it's for making me anxious, and whether it's for somebody to finally realise that something is very wrong in here.
I don't know what to do, I feel like I need to cut again, but I'm sick of causing problems.
I feel like nothing helps me, I don't want to start again, it's just a pain in the ass.
I just wish that I'd pleasantly cease to exist, and I'd stop hurting people.
I just don't know what to do.
I don't know if I'll cut or not.
I'm not even in the mood for doing anything.
I know I should, I deserve it... I know I do.
Maybe it's because it's too early.
Maybe later... Maybe.
I just wish I could finally rest.
I need to get help.
Soon....
I want help... The one that works, not the one I get.
I know about Placebo effect, but dear, there are times where you should simply cure it.
Don't tell me that only I can help myself, at most I can wait patiently until I hate my body instead of my personality.
You see, it's or I fast, or I cut.
The inbetween is rare.
I just feel like I shouldn't do anything anymore.
I'm tired of hurting people, I'm tired of destroying things for others, I'm tired of making others worry, I'm tired of being me.
I just shouldn't exist.
I just need some time to sort it out, maybe get some help.
I hate people who have no idea when they can properly say "indeed".
You are so wrong, in so many levels, that it offends me.
Well, pardon me mister man-who-thinks-it's-alright-to-treat-such-a-language-this-way, but don't you think it's quite disrespectful?
Well, talk to you tomorrow, I wonder what this night will bring.
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