Two, nothing wrong with me.

Wound cleaning...
It's good.
Everything's good.
I got a bit of blood on the bedsheet, and it's probably from yesterday's morning or night session.

I got some wounds that remain open and gaping but can be easily pinched close.

Well, this one, right here, on your left, is my razors.
I just wanted to show you how thin and sharp it is, I was amazed.
It's easier to see it through the original size, you can see some metallic colour and shine.
My feet are cold again, I hate when it happens.
Oh, yesterday, by some funny status [I found it funny, others may feel offended], and maybe everything that I'm going through, is because of that I didn't take my B-12 tablets.
It can do this shit.
But even if I'd take them, it won't matter, if I'd be healed is because I really want to, and believe it's the actual cure.
But I may also decide that it has no effect over me and I'd go on.
Both ways make me feel like my overthinking is going to kill me.
Nothing that I'd do will be able to satisfy me properly.
 Now, the ones on the left here, are everything before I cut last night.
I feel like shit now.
Everything here is just in my head.
I can't even do spontaneous things because of it.
I don't think I can even cure it.
I guess I have to leave with it.
It's for the better, just letting it be instead of fighting it.
Being acceptive is always easier than rebelling.
It's a pretty good thing to know, and a rule to follow at these times.
Fuck teen rebellion, instead of going against and then whining that your parents won't do this or buy you that, be nice, acceptive, do that stupid thing and just contain yourself, then you'll get shit easily.
I find this way to be very easy.
It's no rocket science.

Anyway, last night, when I cut, I found a couple of issues.
I feel fear before I cut.
Well, not exactly fear, but my stomach is being tied in knots, I'm about to cry but in the same time, it feels like tear ducts are a myth, I really want to turn back but can't, and I still want to cut through other things.
I feel like a fraud.
And why wouldn't I feel like it? Look at me.
I'm more fake than.... I have no example for you, but I believe you know how pathetic I am.
Well, I feel like I should stop being.
I'm nothing.
That's it, I'm nothing.
 Nobody would really mind that, you can just imagine like one math lesson "Dvash? Dvash? Where's Dvash" "She's dead."
It seems so weird now to write "dead".
Unnatural and foreign.

I guess it's good.
Writing "dead" a lot can drive you crazy.
Gladly, I'm not a doctor or a police officer or a psychiatrist or anything alike, because then... Too many reports about the dead.
This cut was really awkward as you can guess.
I have about an hour until I need to be in the practise, and then straight off to the Cabaria.
It's quite a headache, and it take a lot from me, but as I said, the friends there... Oh, they are awesome.

Well, last night I considered telling about my self harm to someone.
The only one I found to be fit in my head, is Dabush.
The relationship I have with him is different, we're friends, a female and a male, and I don't think he's going to cut too.
From the other side...
Talking to a perfectionist who blames herself and gets really anxious about it... Not much of a good idea.
I want to tell him, but I'm afraid he'd tell to others.
I really don't want it to spread in some crooked way and all of the two hundred students to hear about it, and it might even spread outside.
I'm not willing to get in trouble like this and worse.
Worse seems to have to see the guidance counsellor.
I don't want to have anything to do with guidance counsellors.
They just get all excited "Oh! I got a girl that I'm helping! I'm needed!" and the other side is "For fuck's sake... Chill!".

I don't even want to say it to him, he might be too scared or having no idea what to say, and it may ruin the friendship.
And nope, this thing that I do won't destroy me my relationships.
Even though that it seems like a very good idea at times, if I'll have no relationships, it'll be easier to carry out plans.
I'm a mess.

Okay I was on stips and I found another shitty account.
"Psychologist but for myself" and I want to rip their heads off.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TERRIBLE AND PATHETIC YOU SOUND?!
Sure, be a good listener, of course, we're all here for each other, but entitling yourself as being a mentally ill person?
Rude.
Fuck you miss, fuck you.
You aren't any different than Emo_Girl that's here, or Whatsup, or Kapara.
Sorry, they actually listen to my words and are actually ill...
I feel fake now. Fuck what have I done?
I shouldn't let this distract me, I'm going to finish my speech and then face myself.

 They are actually ill, each one makes you want to go there and be there for them even more.
The girl? Eating disorders, our relationship started after she noticed that after each time that some girl asked something, including that she claims to have an eating disorder, I would comment "Were you diagnosed that you're so certain of it?" because I'm getting really tired of it.
I don't have an eating disorder, but my eating was fucked up.
 I don't know what I'm doing, I hate myself, I get anxious near people I care about, I bother too much with things and I over enjoy healing and treating wounds.
Am I mentally ill? Probably not, am I wishing to be one? Yes, I want someone to finally tell me that's something is infact very wrong, and that I can get rid of it.

Okay, um... A wound, won't close, I guess it's scar tissue or something that's building up.
Anyway, I have a bit of time before I need to leave.
I'm going to take money....


Okay-os [I really enjoy adding "os" to everything, sometimes not stopping at one "os" so it goes "ososososososos", my verbal expression was never that good!] I'm back.
Well, I was back a couple of hours ago, but let's begin.

The practise was alright, the wounds [I feel like calling them "cuts" is too harsh] were a bit in pain, it just made me want to do better, it quite annoyed Yael, because I was speeding up.

Short break, I asked my mom if I can dye my hair, she said yes.
And I really want to dye the bottom layer [I'm cool, I 'k'now it] but my mother said it's aarsy.
If there's anything that truly and wholly offends me, it's that.
I feel like everything that I work for, from the attitude through the clothing and ending in every other passage, is ruined.
I'm so fucking sorry that I was born in Israel, as a person who looks eastern! [Israel's easterners are usually Yemenite and Iraqi and shit.]
 I just want to cut myself, angrily, everything that I have done is worthless, all I did is stupid, and I just wasted plenty of my precious time.


 Okay, back to things.
I went to the Cabaria, pre-renovation.
It was alright.
I was pretty damn anxious without a person that I know, and I was away from my friends for about thirty minutes that felt like an eternity.


You know what I did earlier?
I somehow got into the website "tiny buddha" .
Last time I got there, I actually got better, just reading the titles of each step.
I reached the third, nothing meant much.
I just started with "You are bad, we both [I get this two voices thing, I think everybody has it, it's just that mine actually amuses me and makes it's presence a lot more lovely instead of just 'you're a fat slob' and all that shit] know it, and we're just going to deal with. That's you, that's me, that's all, just try to go with it."
I don't think I can feel better than when I just give up.
"You know what? Fuck it, that's you, let's just go fucking on already."

On Taghashish, Yuval sent a link, it's the article that MCRL [Sometimes I'm not sure how I spell his name in English so I just choose the nickname] wrote.
There's the new thing in Frogi [teen news website], writing about your very best friend.
It's lovely.

It also makes me quite sad, I can't have these relationships easily.
I feel like if I'd say something now, it would change everything.
I can't just drop it on them, it would be so fucking rude.
"Dabush I need to tell you something... "Huh?" "I uh... cut." "What?" "I cut... myself." Now, at this point some reaction that would make me want to drop everything, dig a hole and bury myself in it.
I just don't want to hurt them, confuse them, give them ideas, make them feel guilty, I just don't.
They deserve better.
Oh my, I just wonder why they bother and stick around.

If I were them, I'd probably be avoided by them like the plague.


You know... I feel this emptiness.... That emptiness that's so soothing.
A promise of safety.
I'd rather be this hollow and empty, hormonally and emotionally able to have my mood changed and faded away in a matter of minutes.
It's better than feeling hatred and agony.
I feel like I'm hugged by soft cotton, and it's amazing.


I was on stips, checking if there's a chance that my place in the top answerers of the week has changed.
Nope, I'm still the first.
It's quite amusing, one of their more remarkable accounts is blocked by some psycho that needs revenge.
It's working quite well, I feel like I can't do anything.

I feel suicidal at times, like I want to cut, like I need to go crazy.
But I can't even talk to my friends.
I have no idea if they are alive or dead!

Well, let's just put our hopes in tomorrow.
I wonder if I'd cut or not, I don't think I will today [today is already tomorrow anyway] or in the next couple of hours, it's just a mess to get it clean and bandaged, I need to let them scar a bit and then clean the area properly, there are glue remains.


Good night.