Nine. Because I said so.

Maybe I am like them.
I'm better off away from my family.
I feel that feeling again, I'm drowning.
I'm miserable.

I have this strange feeling of being drowned by things.
My mother's cruel insensitivity, awful words, and even more horrendous actions.
My sister's being indifferent to me before and after.
My father's harshness combined with just a bit of understanding and worry to confuse me.
My friends' words, saying they miss me, but my mind is fucking that up and making me think that they didn't miss me at fucking all and they just pity me and lie to me so I won't feel bad.

I basically think all the time about using my shoelaces.


I can't post properly because of reasons I have written before.

I think I've never felt exposed, numb and with it, sad, in this way or this much before.

I want my life back.
It's nothing but poorly put together fragments of the glorious life I had for a thirteen.
It's not something that time or talking-about-it can heal, I have to work it out by myself.

I feel like I'm half of what I were.
I feel hollow.
The shell of happiness exists, but it's a bit broken, and now I'm empty.
I'm not very passionate any more, if I used to smile and have energy all the time and actually say good things about myself and even get along with my personality, now I don't have energy, my smiles are not genuine, I don't even feel like I have a personality.

If then I was doing pretty good but I self harmed just to make it be actually pretty good, now, it's pretty stale and I have nothing to prevent it's staleness.

I'm not even really excited about language.

I don't even want to read new posts from Your Misery And Hate Would Kill Us All.

I don't want to go to school.

I don't want to go to sleep.
And yet, I don't really want to stay awake.

I don't want to be hugged and be told once again that people care.
It's meaningless now, people will get over it eventually, their behaviour is just a façade.
And soon enough, they'd find it exhausting to pretend and be nice [which I'm totally encouraging them to do, stop pretending and lying only to be polite, get your shit together and try honesty, which is semi-hypocritical because of the fact I vaporised for eight days...] I'd be left again.

But it's not like I didn't wish this to happen!
I remember clearly that as I entered junior high, I'm going to be support backup, not the main friend, even if it's going to hurt me, it's for the better of the others.
Why? Because I tend to miraculously disappear without a reason sometimes.
To just vanish.
Whether it's my anxiety taking over, my sadness, or being normal and having a broken phone, or actually being punished to be without my cell.
But I'm not very stable when it comes to that, and if it got to an extant where it exhausts me, I don't even want to imagine how tiring it is to not even understand what the fuck happens.

I'm really not in the mood for school tomorrow.
Or any time soon.
I know it's just a phase, but it's just until next time.

I will relapse, I know it.

I will want to kill myself again.

I will have it over, and over, and over, for as long as I live.


Before I frighten myself from writing all that shit and making me sound like I'm miserable and my life's bad [they are awesome... Or at least they were, and at least I have that memory!] and making me sound like every other poetic-aars [another term for emo-glam-rock-tumblr-people] around, I'm publishing it.


I'd miss things, I guess my life experience that I'm gaining is going to be quite a tale when I'd grow older.