Gone.

Wonderful.

So the issue had nothing to do with the consumption of fluoxetine at the evening. 

Why?

Two am. 

I slept for three hours. 

Again. 

When I woke up, I thought it was five or so, why wouldn't I? The street lights can confuse me. 

And the hope of waking up at a rather late hour can something be a bit stronger than rationality. 

I don't have much problem going to school today. 

I'm probably going to just crash after the first two periods, physical activities. 

Okay, I forgot to tell you this, maybe it's because I tried to solve it in my head, maybe because I felt too ashamed to tell you, and maybe I just forgot.

Yael called me at Sunday, since I didn't go to school because I was too tired and felt too shitty.
So, she accused me that I didn't do anything at the sport assignment that was due to the very day I missed.
Which is quite rude.
Dude, we came up together with that fucking idea and just because I didn't come to present it can maybe give the teachers the assumption that I didn't have part, but you! You knew the truth!

I feel betrayed.

You know, I think that a certain relationship is going to cease very soon.
She barely even knows me anymore.
Everyone barely knows me now.
I've missed too many activies, too many school days.

It's ten minutes to three.
My father is snoring.
It doesn't bother me, but maybe it bothers my sister or mother.
I guess with music loud enough, nothing matters.

It's so quiet.
The city is sleeping.
I can't believe how quiet it is.
It would have been peaceful if not for my lack of sleeping.

I fell asleep at five am and woke up at about seven. 

I stayed in bed for another hour and a half, I really hate school. 

Yes, it's eight thirty, the school day have started. 

How nice it is from my parents. 

Even though that I should have consumed the fluoxetine at a normal hour [before I go to school]. 

Well, I guess you can know what I'm going to do. 

Listen to some music, chat with my online pals, try to not be weak in front of my ordinary friends. 

Okay, I've got no texts, which is good. 

I've listened to "Hurt" again. 

I can't blame them for leaving. 

After all, that's what I wanted from the beginning. 

Not to have best friends, to be that supportive third wheel. 

I guess becoming alone can be better and better as time will pass. 

After all, I'm missing school days like crazy, and I don't even feel crazy. 

I don't feel at all. 

But I don't think it's the bad type of emptiness. 

It is emptiness, but more of calmness. 

Like I'm finally accepting it. 

The further I go into the dark, the easier it is. 

I don't mind the solitude, or the numbness, or having bad time trying to make school projects and group homework. 

I just don't want the adults near me to worry. 

I'll be with Dabush and Sapir when Dabush would like company or that Sapir wouldn't be with Lee-Ann. 

I can always grab a pair of earphones, can't I?

I'd be able to put all of my thoughts and ideas on a page without any disturbance. 

Which can be pretty nice, the minorities parade list has to grow. 

And people won't push their heads and try to see what I'm writing or drawing. 

Because it's really awkward when they try to take a look at the suicide plans, thoughts, cut drawings, medical health. 

But I've gave my word to Sapir and to myself that I will go to the Hanukkah school party. 

We know that most of the students won't arrive, it'll probably just be the student council and some of their friends. 

I also gave a word to my mum. 

I don't really mind, it seems like a nice bonding. 

Sadly, there aren't any beers. 

Damn you underageness and alcohol restrictions!

I guess I'll drink from a coke zero can or bottle and offer from time to time to my friends. 

I'm pretty interested about Sapir's mental health development. 

It's nine already. 

I don't feel like going to school. 

I'm a weak cunt, I know. 

I just feel dead.
I guess I'm not supposed to live anyway, so why not?

Okay, I got at five Lee, the psychologist.
At eight I got to be at school for the party.
And until hen I can just waste time.
Reading a book, or surfing online, or staring at he television.

Surfing online, applying nail polish, reading about this and that, avoiding thoughts.

I just don't get the idea of having a whatsapp group for bullied teens all over the place, just for support.
Mostly for cutters and bulimics.
Am I the only one who'll get super competitive about that shit?
I'm the type that relapses mean going deeper, not a coldness-in-my heart deep [bones are not supposed to be shown!] but deeper and deeper.
I'm super competitive when it comes to mental illnesses.

At least in ones that I can "win" at.
Yeah, it's fucked up, but I'm not alone with this.
I'm the type that the trigger warnings were made for.
Gladly [or sadly], I don't give a damn and it maybe just pleases a part of me.
Self destruction is so far the only thing that appeals to me.
That's also why I don't feel that bad about distancing myself.
If at all, it makes me smile slightly.
Even when you're out of hell, you'd be miserable, loneliness will suit you well.

I don't know if others are like this, but I just guess it's pretty odd.

I wonder what's srangers-support feels like.
I already forgot, because what I have here is so neutral and I have it for so long that I don't even remember much of myself without it.

Time will help you through, 

But it doesn't have the time, 

To give you all the answers, 

To the never-ending why.

I love that song.


Placebo is fucking awesome.
I guess I need to have a trip towards The Third Ear, get some music.

I have plenty of free time.
Ha! One hour... Even though that it can feel like an eternity.

Okay, with Lee it was pretty nice.