Weak!

I'm sorry for not posting properly, I'm just too much... Confused.

Well, it makes some sense considering that I got my dosage upped again [currently on 30mg fluoxetine] and I feel drained, I don't even feel that it will work.

I also wake up everyday at four thirty and sometimes even waking up in the middle of the night for no fucking reason at all.

Even though that it has benefits [I was really happy when I woke up at two am and accidentally read it to be five am and fell asleep again, relishing the fact that I'm getting some sleep at last.] It fucking sucks, I have nothing left to do in these hours, drawing's a bore, I have no fucking reading material left, and I got about three hours to waste.

I'm also very weak.

If I thought that the height jumping where I was basically just pathetically tossing myself on the mattress was bad, well, now it's even worse.

I'm very slow, I throw up after practises because I physically can't endure the strain.

I feel very faint after running a mere warm-up or just a rather fast 200 meters!

My head is throbbing and my heart is pumping insanely fast, and I just can't allow myself to give up.

Maybe if I'd be lucky enough, it'll kill me.

I know I should give up, I want to, I truly do, but I can't.

People will just dismiss me because I'm just going through a "rough time" and everything will be back to normal soon.

Thing is, that I never felt that bad with staying there.

I never thought about leaving it until very recently.

Which gets me straight to that mental institution.

Ever since I got into it, I got weaker, and weaker, I've became fragile, I am now a shadow of myself.

That proud, strong, and slightly "off" girl I was before is gone.

I cry twice everyday.

I hate myself so much.

I want to end my being.

I don't want my future, as great and as awful it may be, I'd rather pass.

I don't deserve to be treated so nicely.

I deserve to fucking die, a slow, almost eternal, painful death.

I'm considering cutting most of my relationships, maybe it's because they are meaningless, maybe because they are harmful to either me or them.

So with Dabush I'm definitely staying, he's just so lovely, his very presence alone soothes me, he's just to perfect to be real.

I'm sticking to Sapir as well, she's fucking awesome, she's one of those very confused ones and on top of it, physical and mental issues! I'm fascinated with her views, behaviour, style, treatment, what not! She's going to be very interesting.

Shani is for the long run as well.

I'm not really sure about the rest, most of them are rather hollow relationships in my eyes.

The ones you're quite glad to get rid off at high school.

I guess I just need to get shit together.

Even though that I won't be easily put to sit alone [which I need for privacy and organising my life and plan, but should reject because I won't be concentrated at fucking all.] I'd like to do so.

I need to plan from now.

No self harm until eighteen, not even given legitimacy to be hospitalised again, whether by parents or by law [parents until eighteen law starting from fifteen.]

Suicide will probably be in the "easy" ways of jumping from height or tying a shoelace tightly around my neck.

Buying some anaesthetics and knowing how to properly use them and how to properly stitch myself can assist me in the future, because steri-strips just won't "cut" it.

I want a nap.

Maybe I'd watch TV until my eyes are tired enough.

My father didn't agree for me to stay for long enough to enjoy the silence and the blankness.
They [my parents] think that being left alone lying in my bed is bad for me, as my thoughts may come again.
I don't think they get that my thoughts aren't triggered by anything, I just feel it and it spirals downwards from there.

Oh, I wish I could just pluck up the courage in order to tie the lace around my neck, probably using my bed frame to help.
It fucking sucks that fearlessness doesn't reside within me.
If I were only strong enough to just do it.
I'm just too scared if my parents will notice.
What if I'd be saved? What if it won't kill me? What if I'd die?
Should I write a note?

I'm so fucking confused.
I just want to end myself, and I don't want to disappoint everyone.

I'm considering crawling back into my love for thinness.
If not mutilating myself through a less-than-paper-thin razor and healing it nicely, than making me look like a dead person.
I want to have my ribs and hipbones to stick slightly out, but mostly I want thin and fragile-looking legs.
Then, only then, I'd allow myself to wear patterned trousers, or socks, or about anything that covers the lower body part.

I don't know why guys, but I had that feeling for quite a while that something horrible is going to happen very soon.
 Something truly awful, and I'd be helpless.
Maybe I'm just still anxious after that hell of a week in Shalvata.

It's almost ten pm, I can't fall asleep, I just cried. 

Why did I cry?

That thing I call "mind" just told me the truth that I wanted to deny. 

They will commit me. 

They will commit me, and I'd be weak. 

They will commit me, and I'll be once again, nothing. 

I know it's the truth!

They will do it. 

I don't want to be there. 

And my only way to secure this plan is to make sure that I won't be at all. 

Oh, please, like they can help....

After I came out, what was left of me?! What have I have become?!

I'm no more than a shadow of someone I used to know. 

Both mentally and physically. 

I'm weak. 

I'm currently a burden, and I waste oxygen. 

All I do is sit in my bed and listen to songs that will distract me from myself. 

Wow, what a great coping system! Ignoring the elephant that's in the room. 

Like we don't remember the last times!

Ha!

Last time you were so busy being around the question that drew you to the verge of breaking down. 

Uncertain and full of doubts, you dismissed the elephant as a nonexistent thing. 

And when somebody forced you to look straight into the elephant you denied... You were lost. 

Now you're medicated, "enjoying" the answer's awful so-called "cure". 

What a shame that you're too much of a coward to do it.