Last night.

Last night... Oh, what a night!

I was crying so hard. 

I disappointed everyone, I've hurt everyone, but I agreed, I must stop myself, so I'd better do it soon. 

I've talked to "I Don't Want to Exist" last night. 

I told him that I made up my mind. 

He tried to understand what's wrong and used his beautiful words to cheer me up.
After a while he told me to stop.
Stop talking, stop being suicidal, stop hating yourself, just stop.
I replied with "Okay."
I had to stop, I was hurting him.
I made him worried.

The last thing he said that worked is:
"You don't have to do this."
"Nobody forces you to do so."
And it worked, because I was speechless.
It took me a night [four and a half hours is a night] to find an answer.
I'd maybe write it to you later.
But it had something with "it's the right thing to do" and "I must do it." but it doesn't really matter now.
I'm going to die and I'm going to say my goodbyes very soon, and drink the first toxic and poisonous liquid and die by liver failure.

Okay. 

Nighttime. 

Today I went back home after a couple of periods, the lack of sleep, the self loathing, my whole voidness and nothingness, I seriously felt like the Void from Nihilumbra. 

Dark, destructive, evil, awful, has to be put to an end. 

I don't think my parents get the fact that I seriously lost hope. 

That's it, that's the fucking end for me. 

I surrender, may my "bullying" and "wrong" thoughts consume me and leave me as a sack of flesh, not living, but undead. 

So, I got tomorrow the meeting with the psychiatrist. 

You know, not sleeping, sobbing, getting overwhelmingly suicidal, hating every piece of shit that I am and every single thing that I've done. 

Let's hope for redemption, even though that I think I'm beyond redemption. 

I guess that my blabber is enough for now.