Crap.

Psychiatrist... Psychologist.... what's the difference? They both make me feel like a psycho.
Insane, mistake, error, gray in world of colors.
I don't like this story.
The story I'm forced to live in.
Today, I wrote something.
But I don't remember.
I'll write it down there in few minutes.

This is awful.
He talked, I was honest but avoided from questions as possible.
I cried, he wrote.
It pissed me off.
I can't tell this "experience" in words.
Few times I thought for myself that It's better to talk to you, to people who don't judge, don't have faces, just statics.

He didn't gave me like tips, he said that he's only making a reference or something.
Most of time I said "I don't know".


You know that a language or moves can't explain everything.
My emotions are one of them.


Well... I'm still away from Gal.
And it's sucks.
Right now I'm asking her if she want to go to the mall tomorrow.
Yes.
I'm not brave but as the meme says, close enough.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my helix (possibly) and maybe if she'll confirm, to the mall with a helix.
It's weird.
6th grader with piercing.
I consider helix as a piercing, and the regular ear piercing, to just earrings, no more.
It's my mind.
And I'm excited.
Helix is awesome.
And when I'll get older and get a permission, I might do more in the ear.
I know if I'll tattoo myself, it will be names of people who is important to me, on my feet.
Because they all make me stand up, stay strong.
My mom will be there.
My father also.
My grandmothers and grandfathers, my grand-grandmother from my mom side because I know her well.
My sister and brother.



I remember that Demi Lovato gave me inspiration, and made me stronger.
Now I hate who she'd became.
This why I love only skyscraper from her songs.
It's the only song I can feel her feeling.
Now with "heartbreak" it's like she is whole different person.
I don't like this "new" person.

But it's because Panic of The Smiths.
I still think that to hang the DJ is a very bright idea.
Today the job of DJ is to play songs that considered as "enjoyable".
The songs mostly catchy, but mostly stupid.

Good example is One direction, they are nice, but I hate them because everyone thinks that they made the song of Blondie (on way or another, I'm gonna get you, i'm gonna get you, get you, get you...) and next.
I knew all along that this song is of Blondie.
I knew it from a movie.




I hope she'll answer.
I want to get tomorrow a helix.
I also want that she'll come with me to the wall mall.
Well since now this emotion roller-coaster is here again, welcome to my own black parade.

Today in this bible lesson (damn israel, damn learning program) the teacher said the word parade in Hebrew and I opened my eyes like the moon, the parade she talked about was happy, but close enough to my imagination  colorful black parade -it make no sense-.


So guys, welcome to Dvash's black parade.
Each one of you are the dancers, musicians, ducky momo's and rilakkuma's.

The thing I've wrote today:

Anger and rage in my lungs raising,Make my heart beat it feels so amazing.The blood in the rush, the pulse that it's making,What have I done? I don't know but it's crazy.

It's kinda song.
I wrote many things like feelings so here they are.
This one is the first unrhyming version of this song

Hate & rage
has burned
my lungs.
Now there's
ashes in
my chest.
Making
my heart
black as
coal.

The next one is,

The problem isHERE.It's unstoppable,The problem iscoming for you.Beware.The problem is deadly.

And

Am I a mistake?Am I a trouble?Am I a human whose here to make good?It doesn't feel likes it.I feel awful as possible to feel.I still have those crazy visions.The last drop of sane has escaped from me.Now I'm just a body that is not what I want.A shell I don't like.How sick is that?Barely 12 and did so much trouble.Cut and harmed herself.Today going to a psychologist.Fell in love once.Almost dies multiple times.If saying that life is a book and you always can find a new page,but mine, it's the last page.I have to read it slowly and carefully.Cause this page is dusted, toorn, with too much stains.Mostly red stains.

Bye!