Knew it.

I just knew it.
Tomorrow is my meeting with a psychologist.
Awful.
But after all , l said it might be an experience.

I'm scared.
I don't know a thing about it, about him or her, or where.
So I'm scared.

I'm stretching the goo in my arms, putty peeps in grey-silver.
My heart isn't eating like it should.
Psychologist.
I hope that Gal will be tomorrow at school, she wasn't today.
My mind ain't relaxed.

Times like this make me wonder, what will relax me?
I used to had an option, this option no longer an option.
I guess when I'll be adult I'll miss this times because the future not promising well, or else it?
I don't feel alive anymore, it's just coming and leaving, this joy.
And I remember that emo it's not only sad, it's being connected to your emotions, you can be the happiest human on the world, but this times it's tough.
And I can't stand it -I'm sitting- and it's hard to carry on.
It's almost impossible.

Now I'll bet this moment you respect almost everyone in your life a little more.
I'm still disrespectful with one person -that I remember right now- and you know her name.

I can't relax from this psychologist thing.
My mom told me that I'm going there because I've harmed myself and talked about suicide.
If she knew like each one of you knew what I feel, it would be different.
Or may it's be worse.

I keep imagining myself having cancer.
I don't know why.
I always see myself bold, making YouTube videos, and I'm thirteen.
I'm blowing the cakes on the candle in my hospital bed, with needle in my arm.
I'm afraid.
When I was younger and from time to time now, I know what the future will do.
Sometimes it's hidden, sometimes not.
I'm afraid it's not just a scary vision.
Celebrating a birthday in a hospital bed, how sick is that?

I guess I don't have words to talk, or tears to cry, or anything else to feel.
I'm numb from fear.

What shell I do?
I don't know.
I can't even vlog.
I wonder what will make me feel better.
I'll start with a bath, dinner, maybe a movie, or just Avatar (the last airbender, it's childish but I love it.).

I hope tomorrow will be kinder, like in The Hunger Games soundtrack.
Just without this wistful voice of this women.
And just the main chorus line.
That tomorrow will be kinder.
Or maybe it'll just taste like the old kinder eggs (word game).

I want to see the light in the end of the tunnel.
Just instead this tunnel of death, it's tunnel of depression.
And instead to get to the place that everyone collide, heaven and hell, I'll go to earth with a smile.

This weird, I used to be whole another person.
Look what it have done to me...
Nothing good but more empathy.

Empathy it's one of the key words in life.
You can feel others.
I miss to feel my mind, my heart.
So it would be nice to know what they feel, and relate.
Sometimes it could burn like hell.

The best friend of my sister having tough times, her parents divorce.
Her bigger brother used to be a good friend of mine, imagine to see his face again.
Your mind delete the old child happy face, replacing it with a confused face, hiding it's feeling.

Awful.

At least now I have another band.
Another one to the list.
My Chemical Romance.
Black Veil Brides.
and the new addition Linkin Park.

I feel confused.
Like the new child face in my mind.


So I guess I'll carry on away from here, to a night.
Frightening probably.
With birthday in hospital bed, and bald head, hearing music that will not make me happier.
Goodbye, goodnight.
And say hello to a ghost.

I'm a ghost,
A soul who's lost.
Using bodies as a host,
Get back to living, making the most.

I find it amusing that the backgrounds are in calming blue, in this horror of life.