Oh joy, sweet loving, warming, joy.
I haven't exprienced this much since a long time.
Such a warm feeling.
I feel amazing.
And it means something.
From here, the next sound I'll hear is another shatter, or like one of the lines of a song of linkin park,

Now let me show you 

Exactly how the breaking point sound

Well, this is the next stage.
Believe me this "brand new" feeling, is about to disappear, and the depression girl will be back.
Happy times stays the shortest as possible.

Today, like every Monday, I went to the psycholgist, Keren.
And I've told everything.
She mostly want that we do stuff, most of it it's arts.
I have a problem with drawing when other look.
Judgemental.
I am judgemental too, but I won't complain.
I hate when people assume I'm goth.
I'm just wasn't happy.
Now I am.


It's funny to see her expression when I say everything.
She wonder what the hell happening in my society...
But hey, if I wasn't black, I wouldn't own the same prespective, not even close.
But from it I was smart, and had a lot of guy friend, I read books, that actually speaks to me, the ones I just enjoy because they're like underground, I don't have to talk about others, I keep my mind for myself.
And you.


Like I don't like how my smaller sister draw, but I like anime and chibi and alike, we have different artistic types.
It shown in music.
My sister like the popular pop music, espically GaGa, and now thrift shop.
I like rock, the one I found at the last minutes, and start hearing them because I remember that once someone talked about it.
Like in Black Veil Brides, there were an arcticle, and the first time I've heard it I was like "what's wrong with you?" and now I love the music.
With My Chemical Romance, I played a lot of taptap revenge 4 and it was one of the basics so I played a lot with it, then after I've heard a little BVB, in the suggestion box on youtube, they showd so I put on "Teenagers", then after a week or two, they were popping out of cake (alost cried laughing) in some sweet 16 party, and I said to my sister "I KNOW THIS SONG!" so I checked it later and then I played again in the "Sing" from taptap.
And with 30 Seconds To Mars, suggested, picked, done.
And with Linkin Park, heard of it before, tried, loved, done.

I wonder if one day she'll like this kind of music.
Hopefuly she won't.
Who needs my sister like me?
Like I havn't done enough....


Since yesterday I wanted to tell you it.
Yesterday after my second shower (I got waxed between).
While I scrubbed away the sticky leftovers, something in me wanted to drink to soap.
Of course I havn't done it (after all, I'm alive).
But it was so weird.
Like part of me, tried to make me die.
Try to make my heart stop beting.
My liops and tongue, oh, my mouth wanted to take a sip, to drink the poison.
My eyes, the brown color changing holes, couldn't help but open widly and wildly.
My nose, smelled all the risks.
But my heart, oh, the beating muscle, pounded in, like convincing my arms to stop.
And I'm alive, I can't stop thinking about it.
My only hope is you.
It was so weird.


I don't know if you know but there's a saying

"You know you're in love, when you can't fall asleep because life is finally better then dreams"

I believe it goes backwards the same.
"You know you're in your worst, when you can't fall asleep because life is finally worst then nightmares"
Works for me.
Actually, worked for me.

Where it is?
Where are you hiding it?
Where is the lightining?
The electric shot that will tear me down.
And where's the thunder?
To completly rebreak me.


Why can't I enjoy from my happines?
Finally, after I wished to get it.
I'm not satisfied.
Why is it so?

Where is the will to live?
Seriosuly, I lived (few days ago) only for the believement that it'll get better.
And now it is.
And I'm not happy.
At least not as much as I supposed to be.
Something weird happening.
I can feel it in my guts.
The same guts that wanted me dead.

I'm not sure what I am anymore.
I'm not sure for what I'm living for.
I'm not sure what kep me away from the poison.
At least, this will hopefuly, keppt as a secret.

For now, it's just a song I like,

Stopped being something I'm believing in.

My life is like a bomb.
Ticking.
Fooling that every minute it'll explode.
The irony.
I live in a country where an bombing like that've in Boston is pretty much everyday thing.
Or used to.

Tomorrow I'm going to Tel-Aviv with my mom, hopefuly get gym clothes that isn't leggings.
I have 2, but 2 won't help for 6 days a week and more.
Swearing that next year will be better.
But better it's not what I want.
I got used to this sadness.
Addicted to depression.
Like in the stupid song that now I understand more then I used to,
I got addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
And this is because I'm easily addicted.
This was my past, and iw will be my future.
Maybe one day I'll drink a little poison.
Then make it a drink.
Stupid, foolish me.


Just a happy song.
I like it, it''s perfect for a fun day with best friends.
A pool party.
Or a field trip.
Or just a soundtraack for fun moments.

All I can be is a Jewish idiot...
I mean..
Every other jew.
We are all extremly smartasses that smart only for being asses.


Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.