Eagles

Why, why is it so hard to let me be happy, for a fucking day, just so I could say that Iwas happy.
I think only when I'm going back in any possible way to my past, where my smiles were real.
Now, I'm suffering.

My mother checked my whatsapp in the morning.
What the hell?
Like we send nude pictures, hmff, that's weird if we would, we are only 6th graders, on the way to the seventh.
And with all the poisoned girls, they don't like their bodies, each one of us have the toxic liquid in us, no matter how much you'd like to make it go, it will only stick harder, and in a brief moment, you'll stop ignoring it, and it will attack you.

So, I'd like to set myself on fire, yeah, it can be amazing, the closest thing for the warmth of love.
I hate everything that happens, and the things that don't, too.
Why can't I even try to do something with him?
Why can't I be with my best friend?
Why can't I just breath in the hope and faith, and breath out all the hate, and darkness.

My life, they remind me this game Nihilumbra, just the story, the words, related to the scenes.
They were so accurate, to everything I feel.
The narrator, he says in the start how much I'm useless, worthless, that I'm just a nothing that is exactly like void, and slowly, in small baby steps, he says that I actually became something, that I'm a little more than nothing, that I actually worth something.
It's might be the best game I've ever played.


I want to disappear, simple as that.
When I tell people that I'm not happy with myself, they say that I'm beautiful and I shouldn't feel this way, but it doesn't help me.
I never heard about someone that actually got better from this shit, I didn't, even when I thought I did, I just ignored the pain, and for that short moment, when I stumbled between hashtags and photos, I faced something harder than I expected, and in this moment, I stopped ignoring, and bam, my life sucks.

I am not happy, I am not smiling.
I just want to go back there, sitting with my little guy best friend, each one sits in the other side of the dining table, each one holds few cards in his hands, and we played the Pokemon cards.
And I remember how much I sucked at this game, seriously, I had no idea what I'm doing.
And on the third or the fourth grade, I got a book, actually we got a book, I had one, and he had one, it was a Pokemon book, pretty much a pokedex on a paper, and I drew and learned from it, and it was magnificent.

Oh, why can't I just travel through time and see my past, from the end to the start, so I could see that I've been happy for such a long time, to remind myself, that it's all temporarily.
And when good switches with bad, you just need that the switch will turn again.

I'm so tired, and I hate to feel this way.


I tried to find a decent chiffon scarf on navy blue or black on ebay, and nothing!
What's the problem with making navy blue scarf?

I want to bury my head in a pillow, and wake up on the 27/8, at the first day of school.
Wearing black school shirt, and shorts or something.
A backpack, because I fucking hate totes, I never found nice one.
Well, I'm on eBay, but I still need to decide and pick and another things.

Wow, sorry, until I finally get season 3 and 4 of Code Lyoko, my mom yelling on me.
Because I fucking enjoy that damned little talkers in my head, telling me, encourging me, with their whispers "Do it! Do it! Do it!", am I right mother?
It's like that the death itself, gripping my throat, avoiding the lack of oxygen in my lungs...
I had much more to say, but no, it was overreacting.
And for my defense, I do have a pussy, so I have all the rights to do the female bullshit.


I want school again.
A month ago, I wished that this routine of same-school-every-day-for-seven-years will go to it's end.
But now I miss the routine of it, like, fucking get out from the house, then studying, sweating, talking, laughing, drawing, eating, going home, doing homework, enjoying free time, going to sleep, and over and over.

I want to crawl to my bed, draw in the notebook with a commericial of a TV show.
Awful Israeli show.
And draw everything, people, cars, buildings, character, violing and piano keyboards, everything.
And why shouldn't I, I can.

In fact, I can do almost everything I want.
I wanted to argue about it, because I thought I can't smoke, do drugs or ski, and then figured that I actually can, I can steal ciggarets, go to the north to grab marijuahana, and to ski on the sand.
So I'll just watch code lyoko with Charles and George, they always come to my bed, and if Annette would feel like, she will join.


Guys, I'm in fucking love with this thing!
Finally episode  74, I just love the sea, and I forgot about to other sector that xana made, but I did't forgot about the world-xana's-lyoko-the-other-side-of-the-world, it was epic.
And my face, as you know, I died from the excitement serveal times, IT WAS THE FUCKING NEW CLOTHING!

I love lyoko, and I love being lazy, and I love piercing.

So, what I did about it?
I just bought a new helix!
Yippie!

This is how it looks like

 I love it, it's on the side, when people see me, in the front, they'll see only half from it.

And if you want to get one, or check things alike (if you're into crosses, and simple spikes, stones, it's the place) http://www.freshtrends.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?item=6279&.
I can't wait to get it, as I see, it's about 2 weeks from my ear.
I hope it will look good, and won't get me an infection.
It's also matches a necklace I have, a huge eagle, I guess I just became a bird fan, and I'm also a beard fan, so, yeah.

I started to slwoly decide that I really like spiderman, hopefullt that he'll be the answer for my "I-don't-have-a-favorite-superhero-I-hate-my-life-because-of-this-first-world-problem" issue.

I want to go to the market, find some scarves,a graphic shirt, because I really want a silver wild animals, I really like wolves, and panthers, just like fucking staring at you, from my stomach.
I really want to go there, and buy the fucking everything, a blue sweater that is huge on me, a pair of long socks, a pajama, a bag, a beanie, some clothing that I'll use for the fabric, and some crafts, and if I'll be lucky, I'll get an album (hopefully not Get Lucky of Daft Punk, such a horrible popular song).

When my hair grow longer as it were before (I need to learn another rule, note to self: Never ever cut your fucking hair), I'll wear a beautiful hat, like of the russians, you know, with the fluffy faux fur ears, and it's so pretty and warm, I know where I can get those.

I want to watch tomorrow Orange Is The New Black, I just love them, the freaky roomate of Piper, that actually killed someone, her "wife" that is obssesed with her, and her ex-girlfriend/lover.
And I probably watch it from my questions to myself, if I'll ever find myself in any kind of prison, even for a short time, like a 2-6 months, the people I'd meet, endless options.

So, it's getting late, I need to do some art, get some sleep, prepare myself mentally to tomorrow, and to jump o the dream world.


Good night.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.