Fuck, again.

My face expression when William was possessed by Xana (waited for it since the beginning) can be exactly my expression when I'll pet a unicorn.
I waited for it.
But the worst part, the one that probably smashed it all, I can't watch episode 14 and up.

Well, I'll just wait for it.
I love it so much, it's like a fucking dream come true.
In my list to go, it's probably go to France, go to Cartoon Network's studio, hug and take a picture with all of the workers, only because they made Code Lyoko, and Pokemon.

I love and hate Disney Channel, it used to be in Israel before it, it called Jetix, and it had Pokemon, and Sonic, but now we have disney, even they stopped screening Lilo & Stitch, and the only good ones are probably Zack & Cody, and Gravity Falls, which is the best cartoon on earth that currently is on.
And on Disney, because Invader Zim, and Spongebob are excpetions, and also Looney Tunes, and the graduation episode is fucking hilarious, Daffy, and Bugs, and Porky, the popular jock, it was epic.

I think I like this app, Tunein, it's amazing, this is the best place to find songs and open your mind.

By the way apps, Instagram, I still don't understand why am I doing it to myself, it doesn't make sense, but guys if I could be on the past and watch everyday and give a description and a matching quote for the day, I'd love it.

You know, with them, those bitches, I was happy.
I only got sad in the end.
But I was happiest, like everyone loved me.
No wonder why, because with friends like this, who needs enemies?
Make everything so perfect, I just can't believe that they haven't planned it, like it was natural for them.


Oh, this is Mayday Parade?
I just love it, I told myself I'll hear them some when, thanks to Tunein, I just did it.
They sound good.

But one thing, I'm sick of all those I'm sad/inlove/depressed songs, what if I'm really angry, I mean angry enough so I'll be able to kill someone, and it's likely to be everyone but me.


So, the day, I almost forgot.
I woke at 9am, to eat a huge toast bun, again, and to leave for the psychopathic psychologist (let's call it for short pp, and in iPhone posts it will go to the full nickname), we drew again, and I drew some drugged version of Pacman and a ghost, it was like the brown and white version of Lucy in the Sky with Diamons, I also drew some "RELAX" that is melting or something, and a clarinet, with the shaking/broken notes.

Then I went to the craft store, I got some Fimo (not polymer clay... hmff...) and black thread and some washi tape.
I want to make a bracelet.

I remember once, long and on a way, short time ago, I drew the butterfly, 2 of them actually, I wanted 3, that one Gal will draw, but it never happened, and I drew, one for me, and another one I drew to remember that I don't want to ever hurt Ido, he just was something different to me, a one that doesn't know how much I'm fucked up.

And today, when my bi logical mother (she's not a mother for me, she is more like a birthgiver), couldn't get out from the parking, I had to go outside -in the heat- so I could guide her, the 12 year old girl who doesn't know  how to drive, I didn't knew what to do, so she pissed off, and after a while decided that it's better that we just don't talk to each other, I said thank you in my head.
In the supermarket, my favorite pizza in the bakery was there, and I didn't took it, like I'd lose my control on my lack of self control, no way.


So, today I ate only the regular disgusting meat and potatoes, and the breakfast, I don't think I should eat dinner, if I'd be able to lie, and hopefully will, I won't eat, and it's better.
So for tomorrow's morning, I have a plan, eating the 155 calories yogurt, for lunch I won't eat the sandwich, probably an apple, or something, and for dinner, as usual.
It's good, right?
And on the weekend, I'll just do my thing, hopefully, getting outside with my friends, so I won't have to eat, and maybe, a tiny maybe, a strawberry chocolate cube, on Saturday.


I want to get a weigh, instead of a mirror, a mirror is bullshit, for it I have my TV when it's off, and the black screen giving me the reflection of myself, and I have a mirror in the Bathrooms and in the master bedroom.
But a weigh, nowhere.
I can get a weigh, and hide it.

I would like to make a journal for next year, about my body progress, next year with 5 days a week of gym, it would be interesting, don't you think?
Maybe even a blog, because I hate papers.
Such a waste of trees, if I had wood, I'd use it to build a treehouse, because I never had one, and never been in one, or maybe I'd build a real small home, a shelter for people who actually need home, like the people who walked all the way from Africa to Israel, to start their life again.


So, I should continue my doll, but I suck.
Well, I'll just activate the motivation button, from some reason it's always off.



Done at designing, I just need it baked, and I'll start to paint it.



I want a snack.
Well, tea is good, at least it have taste.
I took Verbena tea, It's less than five calories.
I want to play in the Xbox, probably I'll take the lessons available on shape it.
And finish with yoga, and then I'll take some sleep if I'd like to, I am tired.

The xbox TV doesn't works, just for my luck.
Maybe online there will be something.


Fuck it I need a daily sweet, I'm taking a yogurt with strawberry chocolate and whipped cream, it's under 200, so I don't mind it as a dinner.

Worth it? not really.
Regret it? the exact same answer.
Already did it.
Best dinner ever.
But I need to notice more, because if it will become a daily dinner, well... fuck.


So, what shall I do.
I don't know.
Music, didn't work.

Well, it's eight and the only thing I ate is a piece of cheese.
Shit, I promised that I won't eat it.
I just suck at diets.
Well, fuck this shit, only outside the house I won't eat.
I fucking can't stand it.
Well, a month and a day from school...
I'm sorry...
Month and a day until I'll be stuck for three years with bitches, sluts, and guys who think they really awesome, for their eyes, for me, it's stupid.

I want food.
There is vanilla ice-cream and my favorite chocolate and cream in the fridge.
I want it.
But I hate my hips.
Decisions are hard.
Very hard.
Too hard.
What I should pick?
I want it, but if I'll eat it, I'll give in to my lack of self control, and I don't want it.
But I want food.
Dammit.
I want it.
So, if I will actually do it, I mean the diet in school, will it be okay?
Yeah.
Right?
No?
Yes?
Yes.
Yes indeed.
Fuck it I want enjoy.
But what if.

Oh I fucking hate my compass, it's seriously like the one in the cartoons, like in Tom & Jerry, and it fucking sucks.
Food is good.
Right?
No.
I want it, but still, I don't want it.
Oh decisions.
Well, I'll eat it.
Right?
No, but I want to so I will.
Fuck it I'm eating it.

I want to vomit.
I can't believe I did it.
But I can't vomit when my parents awake, stupid me.
Note to self: no deserts when parents awake or in home.

I need to make some rules in my life, if not, it will be wrong.
I'm such a failure.
I literally can't do anything without the little devil in me, telling me to eat more and more, while the angel tells me what to do so I won't feel sad any longer.
It fucking sucks.
I want to die.
And worse, it's not the first time that I want to die today.
It's probably because my mom is so good at killing me in the inside so I don't mind make it even, the inside as the outside.

I'm going to my room, a little noise of cars will distract me.



Oh, fuck, what's the difference, me alive or not, believe it or not, but my mother is epic at making me want to die.
I remember that I have Aceton in my second drawer.
No.
Do not drink it.
I won't.
I won't.



FUCK.
WHAT THE HELL DVASH?
I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU!

And yes, I am talking to myself right now.
I want to die.




Guys, before I'll do something reckless.

This night, it's not an eternal goodbye, it's a normal one, from me, before I go to sleep, trying to find a dream.

Goodnight.
Goodbye.

Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.