So today I slept good, had a dream, but I can't remember it now, weird.
So, today I had to clean my room, because my guitar teacher is coming, and we supposed to learn new song, because I already finished Karma Police.
So did my sister, organized her room, but also her books for next ear.
She found my old ones, because it's what we doing, giving it to our brothers and sisters.
So, she brought me also old sketchbook.
Sketching it wasn't, more like 3 year old child drawings with markers.
It was awful, there's a huge difference between my art skills on the fourth grade nd between my art skills now.
A huge difference also in my English vocabulary and grammar.
I drew the ugliest things ever on the fourth grade.
So, guess, what I also found?
On the middle pages, one thing, not in my hand write, but it's for me telling me how perfect I am, from a girl, and we all know her as the biggest bitch ever!
Yes, her, and like every girl compliment, fake ones.
And on the page after, my hand write giving the same compliments.
Huh, who have known, this two "perfect" girls turned to be everything but perfect, one damaged and changed, another, popular devil.
I guess it's better of this way, if it continued, I'd turn to be a devil myself, and we all know that I'm not exactly an angel but I'm far from devil, from my definition for devil and angel.
I also found something on the last page, a chat between me and her, and this is the translate:
Yali
remember I told you that we'll talk later?
So, it's now
No he's not!
you don't have even a sign show me if there is!
You can see it on him!
Show at least 1.
So what Addi smiles at me too, something else...
There's lesbians too.
You don't have it you're just saying!
Come on Yali/
NO HE'S NOT.
You don't have one, if you do write here.
Ha! you can't prove it, you just said!
Bad translate, but what can I say, two sluts talking about something I can't remember is quite hard to figure out.
But as far as I remember, it's me telling her, that Gal, the boy, likes her.
And now I understand that reading it wasn't the brightest idea.
I should've threw it when I could.
Now I need to deal with it, the slow angry heartbeats, the dizzy mind, knowing that I'm nothing like her, and my chances with my crush is below what I thought it was before.
I guess that every part of me, likes to hurt me more, my curiosity, but as said "curiosity killed the cat", and as many times I'd say that, I'm the cat.
Also my artistic self, hating me, drawing a zombie boy, with mouth stitched because he's in love, and his love don't want that people will die, he prevents himself his nature for the love, and what's the worst, that I know I'll never be loved his way, never.
It's like when you're ready to take a bullet for someone, but this someone will pull the trigger.
Sweet selves, hating their hosting body.
At least I can make the suffer only by the fact I'm alive, every time that people despise the fact I'm alive, or that I'm doing the impossible, against all odds, it's giving me pleasure that can't be measured, nothing is like it.
My sister id addicted to some copy of Club Penguin, it's exactly the same but Club Penguin will always be the best childhood multiplayer game, each kid in my class played this forsaking game on the 1-2nd grades, and then on the second and the third Webkinz.
I saw her playing it right now and said "Addiction" she's all the time on this game, it's sick, so she started to be pissed and before she could say something I said "Who said that addiction is bad?" and escaped the area.
I think that addictions are okay, unless if it's for moods, like highed, or when you're addicted to adrenaline, everything like it, mind the physical things, but on the inside, I don't mid if you like to pluck hamsters hair because you feel whole with it, I mind that you addicted to the mood, this is the problem.
Like when people that addicted to cigarettes, they feel relaxed from the nicotine, and they feel stressed after a while without it, so they need it again, to relax the greedy feeling.
I have an addiction that can be found on every single hipster, addiction for being unique.
So understand, I have so many things against the "hardcore" hipsters, where you just can't go through their annoying vocabulary, like these slutty chikas saying "swag" which is meaningless.
I can say "Wibbity Wabbaty" and it'll be the same thing as swag.
So, this is probably why I don't the cartilage, now tons of girls wants to get one, and fuck, the populars too.
I like being special.
I hate copycats, that exactly like me, there is a reason that I'm only one.
So, I wonder, what will be next, I think that dying my hair with blue, yeah, most kids will have to convince their parents and make hard effort to get one, so by then I'll get my hair with blue tips that will look good on my hair.
While most girl going plain with blond tips (on most girls you just want to say, why does you barber hates you? because it looks like fucking piss not blond), I'd have to bleach it and get blond too, of course, but I'll dye it all the time so I'll never have blond.
But if my hair won't grow enough or we can't do it in school, I must have plan B, right?
And I have no idea,
Maybe old school clothing, retro, vintage, I know I'll find all in the far corners of Tumblr and on Pinterest.
I think about the room everyday, seriously I'm in love with it, I know exactly how it'd look like, it's annoying, I can see it, but it's not real.
It's fucking annoying, and I'll do what I always do when I want something, convince, make it real, offer things, ask for time, set a schedule, I'd know everything, planning is my second name in that case.
Oh shit, well, now I had my guitar lesson, and guess what happened?
My E string, well, it's broken.
I played Yellow (Coldplay) without E, and I can tell you, playing chord D, it's not fun.
So I hope that soon I'll get another E string, because I can't play this way.
It's becoming impossible to stay in the room without thinking about my dream room.
I think that the problem is that I know how easy and how cheap it'll be, and I know exactly how it'll look.
If it'll be necessary I'll pay for the room, because I want it that much, guys, finally a double bed, because when I sleep in double bed, I sleep better because I have more space, I take the whole place and enjoy it.
I have change in plans, instead of double bed, a bed and a half (called also twin bed) it's slightly smaller, but it'd look better.
It's annoying that it's all I think about is the bed, I think to offer my parents that I'll pay for it.
I want it sobed bad (everything that coming out of my mouth is related to it).
I need something that won't suffocate the room, I'll check it later.
I do a month or so of research, to know exactly what I want, and how I can change styles easily.
Then I'll show the information about it.
Oh god, another suicide?
Now it's from ask.fm, isn't it just great, another death, (I said it sarcastically).
I don't get it, what's the fun about being evil to others, anyway they have issues, it won't help them, and nobody wants the blood on their hand, nobody.
I guess that if I died, everything was different, it'll go crazy.
But, I won't kill myself that easily.
(My mother done it again, pushing me to the edge)
But what's the point of it anyway, you're not alone, and we all know it, many done the same you planning to do, so why just to end it?
And you know, if I could just fake my death, and live from there under somebody else's roof, as he was my guardian, someone that could make my life easier, without all of it, and I'll look different, I'll be able to see what happened next, who actually cared, and live better this way.
Although I know that I've hurt people while doing it.
Why can't I be like this?
Why?
Nobody can answer that, but if I could, I would, I should.
Just be far away from here, live happily in misery.
Like on drop dead diva, just, well without being model that died in car crash that got replaced into a chubby lawyer, I'd be a girl that faked her death and turned to be someone else.
I hate this feeling, to bad that it always here, floating, and every once in a while, dropping on me.
This suicidal feeling, telling me to go and jump from the balcony, but I keep my feet on the ground.
Oh, just that school will start soon.
I don't know about you, but when I was younger and was pissed on my mother, I asked myself who I'd pick if my parents will divorce, every single time I picked my dad, I know that it'll be better of this way.
I know that the chances that they'll divorce are low, but even my mother knows that most of marriages is falling apart after 15 years, and I'm twelve, and they married year before my birth, so 13 years or so.
Who knows.
.I'd rather just go in fast forward over this summer, because the only thing that I want to do, it's to die.
I know that in the winter I'm getting depressed, it's a fuck in my mind, but I've got to live with it, so yeah.
But I don't feel the same about winter 2014, just I have a weird feeling in my guts, telling me that this winter will be better.
I feel that something good is about to happen.
But I know that something weird/awful will happen, since Ms. Slut, wrote my name in the people you want to be with in your class list.
I wonder if she'd turn to be exactly like the skanks from the other class.
If she;ll become a bully, like them.
I won't be surprised as I would a year ago, she done the unexplainable, unbelievable, thing, she became friends with the girl she want to set on fire for 7 years, she became friends with the girl the bullied her, the girl that took her sandwich and threw it to the trash, the girl that pushed her, the girl that made her life harder.
So, why won't she be like her, it's her dream to be popular, and it's what popular people do, right? mocking the others, being rude, spreading hate to people out of their social circle.
I'll find a way for living, because as far as I know, my class will be full of jerks and sluts.
Horay, getting the shittiest class for me, for the next 3 years.
Oh fuck.
I just hope that I'll survive it.
As how I see it, I'll be the nerdy girl, I actually love to study, and I'm sad that we won't learn biology next year, it's probably my favorite subject on the science section.
I'm the worst and best target for insults, they can insult me on every possible way, I'll give them so many choices, too bad that I never gave a fuck.
I wonder what will happen.
Because after all, I saw few kids that sat away from the populars, I should call the jocks, sportish popular children.
So, I hope I'd find kids like me.
Weird behavior.
Funny faces collection.
This is for me best friend material.
Hopefully that guys like that will be there, I can't even suffer half from the women bullshit.
Well, I wonder what will happen if I'd gather some friends, will have fun together, we'll get a hideout, there are few spots that we can make them a hideout, and we'll meet up there together, drinking black beer, talking, because we can
I'll hope I'll find them soon.
Because I want people to trust.
And I like beer.
So, my teenager mission (or bucket list if you want to call it that way), is to find some friends, find a hideout, talk and drink beer together, and hear music, as long as it's not one direction, or alike, as long as it's under Alternative genre, I just like the calm sharp music (it's something that doesn't make sense).
Probably songs like Karma Police (I'm pretty much admiring this song) it's funny how calm they made it about a revengeful song, I want to be like on this song.
I want to have this group, and we'll do what that we think that people that messed with us deserve (even if it's wrong for others, as long as it's not terrible, like you all know what), I would love to be like it, it'll be a dream coming true.
I hope the adventures of growing up will produce memories like this.
May the strength within you give you the power to make your wishes a reality.
I wonder what will happen, if someone that I actually care about will die, I'll be less upset if it's from accident, if it's on purpose, or the worst, from a choice, I won't know how to relive again.
I can't imagine it, I can't imagine death, it's something fucked in my mind, but it's good.
The last thing that I want to be in, that's in a funeral.
I know that the clock is ticking, time is passing, and systems crashing, people will die, and nobody can avoid it, and it's better of this way, because it'll be a disaster, too many people, too many things, we won't be able to live.
Having sex to bring children will be forbidden, and useless.
I already started to forget how suicidal and depressing songs I've never heard before are.
Radiohead, oh god, I remember that on Hannah Montana, when I used to watch it, Miley's friends were arguing who's better, Radiohead or Coldplay.
My "childhood" on lame TV shows has destroyed.
It sic that all the songs that is successful are fucking sad, or rude.
It's or about drugs, sex, suicide, and reality (which is probably the worst).
I'm freezing, I think that the air conditioner is on lower temperature than I set it on to be, I remember that not far from this very moment, I loved the freezing, making me actually feel, feel alive, like I am something.
Now I still like it, but I like better warmth, of human, not one that just go higher like the blanket or the pillow, like an actual living creature, with a heart, and warm blood.
No, the air conditioner is on the right temperature, but I'm freezing as I was in Alaska.
At least my pulse is beating, feeling warm.
You know, I want to get everything, having the ability, it's interesting.
Oh it's grunge, wall I have no idea what's this word says.
I'm hearing one song that I liked since 2 summers ago, Where Did You Sleep Last Night, by Nirvana.
It was on the stupid vampire drama I liked (thank god it's over), and this song was a lot there.
I loved it.
What can I say, me and music, we have eternal bond, good luck to people to try to take it away from me.
As far as I know, from the comments, Kurt is dead, and from other comments, he killed himself, I don't exactly know, i just read comments and gave a guess.
Well, it's getting late, I'd probably see stuff on eBay that I can make at home, I'd make short trips to some social media networks, and then I'll sleep.
Goodnight, fuckers
Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.
So, today I had to clean my room, because my guitar teacher is coming, and we supposed to learn new song, because I already finished Karma Police.
So did my sister, organized her room, but also her books for next ear.
She found my old ones, because it's what we doing, giving it to our brothers and sisters.
So, she brought me also old sketchbook.
Sketching it wasn't, more like 3 year old child drawings with markers.
It was awful, there's a huge difference between my art skills on the fourth grade nd between my art skills now.
A huge difference also in my English vocabulary and grammar.
I drew the ugliest things ever on the fourth grade.
So, guess, what I also found?
On the middle pages, one thing, not in my hand write, but it's for me telling me how perfect I am, from a girl, and we all know her as the biggest bitch ever!
Yes, her, and like every girl compliment, fake ones.
And on the page after, my hand write giving the same compliments.
Huh, who have known, this two "perfect" girls turned to be everything but perfect, one damaged and changed, another, popular devil.
I guess it's better of this way, if it continued, I'd turn to be a devil myself, and we all know that I'm not exactly an angel but I'm far from devil, from my definition for devil and angel.
I also found something on the last page, a chat between me and her, and this is the translate:
Yali
remember I told you that we'll talk later?
So, it's now
No he's not!
you don't have even a sign show me if there is!
You can see it on him!
Show at least 1.
So what Addi smiles at me too, something else...
There's lesbians too.
You don't have it you're just saying!
Come on Yali/
NO HE'S NOT.
You don't have one, if you do write here.
Ha! you can't prove it, you just said!
Bad translate, but what can I say, two sluts talking about something I can't remember is quite hard to figure out.
But as far as I remember, it's me telling her, that Gal, the boy, likes her.
And now I understand that reading it wasn't the brightest idea.
I should've threw it when I could.
Now I need to deal with it, the slow angry heartbeats, the dizzy mind, knowing that I'm nothing like her, and my chances with my crush is below what I thought it was before.
I guess that every part of me, likes to hurt me more, my curiosity, but as said "curiosity killed the cat", and as many times I'd say that, I'm the cat.
Also my artistic self, hating me, drawing a zombie boy, with mouth stitched because he's in love, and his love don't want that people will die, he prevents himself his nature for the love, and what's the worst, that I know I'll never be loved his way, never.
It's like when you're ready to take a bullet for someone, but this someone will pull the trigger.
Sweet selves, hating their hosting body.
At least I can make the suffer only by the fact I'm alive, every time that people despise the fact I'm alive, or that I'm doing the impossible, against all odds, it's giving me pleasure that can't be measured, nothing is like it.
My sister id addicted to some copy of Club Penguin, it's exactly the same but Club Penguin will always be the best childhood multiplayer game, each kid in my class played this forsaking game on the 1-2nd grades, and then on the second and the third Webkinz.
I saw her playing it right now and said "Addiction" she's all the time on this game, it's sick, so she started to be pissed and before she could say something I said "Who said that addiction is bad?" and escaped the area.
I think that addictions are okay, unless if it's for moods, like highed, or when you're addicted to adrenaline, everything like it, mind the physical things, but on the inside, I don't mid if you like to pluck hamsters hair because you feel whole with it, I mind that you addicted to the mood, this is the problem.
Like when people that addicted to cigarettes, they feel relaxed from the nicotine, and they feel stressed after a while without it, so they need it again, to relax the greedy feeling.
I have an addiction that can be found on every single hipster, addiction for being unique.
So understand, I have so many things against the "hardcore" hipsters, where you just can't go through their annoying vocabulary, like these slutty chikas saying "swag" which is meaningless.
I can say "Wibbity Wabbaty" and it'll be the same thing as swag.
So, this is probably why I don't the cartilage, now tons of girls wants to get one, and fuck, the populars too.
I like being special.
I hate copycats, that exactly like me, there is a reason that I'm only one.
So, I wonder, what will be next, I think that dying my hair with blue, yeah, most kids will have to convince their parents and make hard effort to get one, so by then I'll get my hair with blue tips that will look good on my hair.
While most girl going plain with blond tips (on most girls you just want to say, why does you barber hates you? because it looks like fucking piss not blond), I'd have to bleach it and get blond too, of course, but I'll dye it all the time so I'll never have blond.
But if my hair won't grow enough or we can't do it in school, I must have plan B, right?
And I have no idea,
Maybe old school clothing, retro, vintage, I know I'll find all in the far corners of Tumblr and on Pinterest.
I think about the room everyday, seriously I'm in love with it, I know exactly how it'd look like, it's annoying, I can see it, but it's not real.
It's fucking annoying, and I'll do what I always do when I want something, convince, make it real, offer things, ask for time, set a schedule, I'd know everything, planning is my second name in that case.
Oh shit, well, now I had my guitar lesson, and guess what happened?
My E string, well, it's broken.
I played Yellow (Coldplay) without E, and I can tell you, playing chord D, it's not fun.
So I hope that soon I'll get another E string, because I can't play this way.
It's becoming impossible to stay in the room without thinking about my dream room.
I think that the problem is that I know how easy and how cheap it'll be, and I know exactly how it'll look.
If it'll be necessary I'll pay for the room, because I want it that much, guys, finally a double bed, because when I sleep in double bed, I sleep better because I have more space, I take the whole place and enjoy it.
I have change in plans, instead of double bed, a bed and a half (called also twin bed) it's slightly smaller, but it'd look better.
It's annoying that it's all I think about is the bed, I think to offer my parents that I'll pay for it.
I want it so
I need something that won't suffocate the room, I'll check it later.
I do a month or so of research, to know exactly what I want, and how I can change styles easily.
Then I'll show the information about it.
Oh god, another suicide?
Now it's from ask.fm, isn't it just great, another death, (I said it sarcastically).
I don't get it, what's the fun about being evil to others, anyway they have issues, it won't help them, and nobody wants the blood on their hand, nobody.
I guess that if I died, everything was different, it'll go crazy.
But, I won't kill myself that easily.
(My mother done it again, pushing me to the edge)
But what's the point of it anyway, you're not alone, and we all know it, many done the same you planning to do, so why just to end it?
And you know, if I could just fake my death, and live from there under somebody else's roof, as he was my guardian, someone that could make my life easier, without all of it, and I'll look different, I'll be able to see what happened next, who actually cared, and live better this way.
Although I know that I've hurt people while doing it.
Why can't I be like this?
Why?
Nobody can answer that, but if I could, I would, I should.
Just be far away from here, live happily in misery.
Like on drop dead diva, just, well without being model that died in car crash that got replaced into a chubby lawyer, I'd be a girl that faked her death and turned to be someone else.
I hate this feeling, to bad that it always here, floating, and every once in a while, dropping on me.
This suicidal feeling, telling me to go and jump from the balcony, but I keep my feet on the ground.
Oh, just that school will start soon.
I don't know about you, but when I was younger and was pissed on my mother, I asked myself who I'd pick if my parents will divorce, every single time I picked my dad, I know that it'll be better of this way.
I know that the chances that they'll divorce are low, but even my mother knows that most of marriages is falling apart after 15 years, and I'm twelve, and they married year before my birth, so 13 years or so.
Who knows.
.I'd rather just go in fast forward over this summer, because the only thing that I want to do, it's to die.
I know that in the winter I'm getting depressed, it's a fuck in my mind, but I've got to live with it, so yeah.
But I don't feel the same about winter 2014, just I have a weird feeling in my guts, telling me that this winter will be better.
I feel that something good is about to happen.
But I know that something weird/awful will happen, since Ms. Slut, wrote my name in the people you want to be with in your class list.
I wonder if she'd turn to be exactly like the skanks from the other class.
If she;ll become a bully, like them.
I won't be surprised as I would a year ago, she done the unexplainable, unbelievable, thing, she became friends with the girl she want to set on fire for 7 years, she became friends with the girl the bullied her, the girl that took her sandwich and threw it to the trash, the girl that pushed her, the girl that made her life harder.
So, why won't she be like her, it's her dream to be popular, and it's what popular people do, right? mocking the others, being rude, spreading hate to people out of their social circle.
I'll find a way for living, because as far as I know, my class will be full of jerks and sluts.
Horay, getting the shittiest class for me, for the next 3 years.
Oh fuck.
I just hope that I'll survive it.
As how I see it, I'll be the nerdy girl, I actually love to study, and I'm sad that we won't learn biology next year, it's probably my favorite subject on the science section.
I'm the worst and best target for insults, they can insult me on every possible way, I'll give them so many choices, too bad that I never gave a fuck.
I wonder what will happen.
Because after all, I saw few kids that sat away from the populars, I should call the jocks, sportish popular children.
So, I hope I'd find kids like me.
Weird behavior.
Funny faces collection.
This is for me best friend material.
Hopefully that guys like that will be there, I can't even suffer half from the women bullshit.
Well, I wonder what will happen if I'd gather some friends, will have fun together, we'll get a hideout, there are few spots that we can make them a hideout, and we'll meet up there together, drinking black beer, talking, because we can
I'll hope I'll find them soon.
Because I want people to trust.
And I like beer.
So, my teenager mission (or bucket list if you want to call it that way), is to find some friends, find a hideout, talk and drink beer together, and hear music, as long as it's not one direction, or alike, as long as it's under Alternative genre, I just like the calm sharp music (it's something that doesn't make sense).
Probably songs like Karma Police (I'm pretty much admiring this song) it's funny how calm they made it about a revengeful song, I want to be like on this song.
I want to have this group, and we'll do what that we think that people that messed with us deserve (even if it's wrong for others, as long as it's not terrible, like you all know what), I would love to be like it, it'll be a dream coming true.
I hope the adventures of growing up will produce memories like this.
May the strength within you give you the power to make your wishes a reality.
I wonder what will happen, if someone that I actually care about will die, I'll be less upset if it's from accident, if it's on purpose, or the worst, from a choice, I won't know how to relive again.
I can't imagine it, I can't imagine death, it's something fucked in my mind, but it's good.
The last thing that I want to be in, that's in a funeral.
I know that the clock is ticking, time is passing, and systems crashing, people will die, and nobody can avoid it, and it's better of this way, because it'll be a disaster, too many people, too many things, we won't be able to live.
Having sex to bring children will be forbidden, and useless.
I already started to forget how suicidal and depressing songs I've never heard before are.
Radiohead, oh god, I remember that on Hannah Montana, when I used to watch it, Miley's friends were arguing who's better, Radiohead or Coldplay.
My "childhood" on lame TV shows has destroyed.
It sic that all the songs that is successful are fucking sad, or rude.
It's or about drugs, sex, suicide, and reality (which is probably the worst).
I'm freezing, I think that the air conditioner is on lower temperature than I set it on to be, I remember that not far from this very moment, I loved the freezing, making me actually feel, feel alive, like I am something.
Now I still like it, but I like better warmth, of human, not one that just go higher like the blanket or the pillow, like an actual living creature, with a heart, and warm blood.
No, the air conditioner is on the right temperature, but I'm freezing as I was in Alaska.
At least my pulse is beating, feeling warm.
You know, I want to get everything, having the ability, it's interesting.
Oh it's grunge, wall I have no idea what's this word says.
I'm hearing one song that I liked since 2 summers ago, Where Did You Sleep Last Night, by Nirvana.
It was on the stupid vampire drama I liked (thank god it's over), and this song was a lot there.
I loved it.
What can I say, me and music, we have eternal bond, good luck to people to try to take it away from me.
As far as I know, from the comments, Kurt is dead, and from other comments, he killed himself, I don't exactly know, i just read comments and gave a guess.
Well, it's getting late, I'd probably see stuff on eBay that I can make at home, I'd make short trips to some social media networks, and then I'll sleep.
Goodnight, fuckers
Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.
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