Failure

Well, Friday, oh, the day before I'm 24 hours in home, and being watched.

But, tomorrow, I'm going to a Bat-Mitzvah, well, I think I am. 

If G won't go, I won't, I don't want to be alone there. 

The all new class idea, it's hard, we all experienced it, now it's harder, every time it's harder, the fact that I'm turning to be all alone around here, it's not terrifying, it's more unpleasant then every other feeling. 

So today, we started with two school hours of sports. 

We played soccer (or football, it depends on the side of your English), and soccer is my favorite game, sadly, one awful thing happened, I was, the goalkeeper. 

I'm good (even great) on defense, but not actually being in the goal. 

I got picked first (not impressed face like on the Russian girl on the Olympics, I understand her, it was unfair), I did awesome things. 

Like a ball came to me, blocked it, painful for some, but I barely feel something in my legs, it takes years on years of practicing, blocking incredibly strong and fast balls to my hips, my stomach, and sometimes my head, and the waxing helped too. 

So if you remember, on Avatar, I think that Iroh or Jojo said it "use your enemies power against them", I do, and when one of the rival players, she kicked the ball directly to me, from far, as a quick effective respond, I kicked it, I barely used my leg, just 5% of what I could do, and the ball got kicked to the other side of the field, and one of my team, kicked it from the short length between the other goal and her, we scored.

We won every single times. 

But still. 

Not impressed. 

Why should I? Some girls screaming with pitchy high voice, -barely- running,

And kicking so light.

So, for today I ate quiet a lot, hopefully tomorrow I won't.
I ate one toasted white bread, tomato, and cheese with olives, and then for lunch, cucumber, a full wheat medium bagel, with hummus.
Oh, and raspberry yogurt with one tbsp of oatmeal, and 1/8 cup of milk, 1/2 mango, as a shake.
Well, I don't know about dinner, but I would like to run a bit today.

So, it's going even harder without the chocolate, I don't know, some people say it's healthy, some not, it's good if you eat it moderately, which is hard for me.
Especially when there's ice-cream, chocolate milk, chocolate cereal, everything here.
Trust me, in cases like that, I would eat tons of chocolate, but self-control, it's what I'm doing (and failing at doing) now.

So, I want badly sweets, and food, but it's not healthy to eat so much, for a girl like me, and with my plans, and what I have to deal with in front of the mirror, I shouldn't eat.
Though, it's or that my mouth is bored, or that I'm hungry, in both situation I don't eat, but I do something

Apparently I actually do have and eating disorder, the shortcut of it is B.E.D. it's actually Binge Eating Disorder, and trust me, it sucks.
I just eat, and eat, even if I'm full, I eat, and I need to get rid of it.
People say so many things, I'm confused, I'm full, but  I'm still hungry right now.
Do you understand how fucked up is that?!

So today at the soccer, Ms. Bitch was in my team, and  I wanted to start a conversation, but tell me, how can you start conversation to a stranger you know?
Simply, you can't.
I can't understand her, she's here, and there, at the exact same time, she sometimes with them, but mostly not.
I want to talk to her, but don't know how, guess that it won't happen.


So, today my BID was mean, I can cut the relationship but I'll be really alone, which is a disaster about to happen.

By the way disaster about to happen, I really want the brownie, maybe I'll just calm down with the diet, right?
Yes, normal healthy girl with nice enjoyable meals are okay, I'm going to have fun, fuck you all.


Oh, well after it I ate an actual meal, now I'm full, this meal I ate was about a quarter from what I'm used to, so I need to set my new lifestyle.

• Only once a day a dessert (from any kind)
• 3 meals
• Cup of milk everyday
• 3 fruit servings
• 3 vegetable servings

I guess it is.

I need still to understand what to do on the hard weekends, and on the exhausting practice days, it's awful to try something that got such a high chance to kill me.

My life, became impossible.

You know, since she came to my life, I've changed so much.

She caused it.

But even if I'd kill her, my problems won't die with her.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY.

I must find low calorie energy drinks, I don't care about the chemicals, seriously, but the hyper feeling, fuck it's good.

I drink two, and seriously, I'm not only getting wings (Red Bull line) I get a fucking tail ears and wet nose, and it's the most awesome feeling ever, it's like showing all my fucked up real self, I'm just true.

So my 3 year old me is outside, hyper, funny, adorable, and the serious, is just standing trying to calm down the baby, and I'm so happy!

Now in school, instead of drinking the cranberry energy juice, I'll drink XL or Monster, whatever I'd find.

Well, I'm glad that the 3 year old child monster is in me, it's so optimistic, it's like my happy side, it's trigger is fulffiness (the feeling, or using the word), tons of caffeine and/or (it depends) sugar, then I'm going hyper, happy, it's awesome, for few minutes I'm the happiest person in the world, and there's only one way to make it even better...

GO FUCKING HYPER WITH FRIENDS.

Just one problem.

I don't have (real) any.

The only one that I would be able to do that with, I'm too shy to talk to her, just be friends with her, just to laugh along, do stupid things, unhealthy mostly, dangerously ridiculous, and just be happy that we both exist together.

I'm afraid.

I miss her so much.

And if I would be strong enough to tell her that....

I knew how much I loved being with her.

Now, that she's gone, like everybody else, her hold in my heart is the largest.

I don't know how to describe it, how much she means to me, how much I care, but I pretend I don't...

She's like my sister, I would do anything for her.

I'm not surprised, I love to do everything that kills me, it's like a fucking obsession, I'm obsessed with mental problems, I think I have them all, but it's all in my mind (like on Mr. Nobody), all in it.

Why do I do this to myself, it's killing me.

Really killing me.

That's the fun of it, ain't it.

My sick, masochistic fun...

Oh well, at least I enjoy it.

I guess the day just got from sad and bad, to depressing.

Oh my fucking god, ENERGY DRINKS are the most awesome thing ever!

They use the fats of your body and bring it to your cells.

YOU BASICALLY LOSE WAIT FOR DRINKING IT.

So for tomorrow's morning, I have some oatmeal cookies.

And since tomorrow is fat day, I have no idea what I'd do.

So, later I'm going to figure out what to do.

Get sad, then happy, then sad again, and then even more happy, then I'll make a research, and feel awesome, and just when I'll go to sleep, sad again.

Last thing, I must understand how I'm losing fake friends, earning  the only girl that ever understood me.

I guess that his night I'd try to do the impossible.

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.