3 Times

There I am, furiously looking for a sharp cutting knife, to give my brother an apple, again, and I'm just sick of being a slave for their needs.
Just trying to move my arm, when all of them -but Adrian, of course- tell me to freeze, to not move, to not do what I secretly want to do, and just have to face it.
Just take it up my ass, just deal with it, knowing that I don't have to.
I can always say fuck it, and leave my mask (for a limited time, because it's hard),  just make that move, and know that, that I'm a fool, that could solve it all, but choosed to not.

You know that feeling of after almost doing something I'll half regret doing?
Great.
I felt it, like I always do when I'm just about to finally lose it (the bit on sane in my head), and have to face something so trigerring.



I'm just sick of those forums, they compare god to a speghetti monster!
I sadly hate speghetti, I like penna pasta much better...
But I had some conversating between myself (like those you have of all you could say in arguement or something), and it was made shortly.

One: It was god that did it, and if it wasn't him, what would it be? Your stupid science?
Another: It wasn't sceince! It was magic!
One: Pfff... Magic doesn't exist!
Another: So does your god!

For me it's exactly the same.
And when I can't explain something, I say magic, I started with the sarcastic answer last year, and it became the main answer for me.


I just wonder, how long will it happen to civil marriges.
It doesn't matter genderes, it doesn't matter age (actually it is, if one of them is considered underaged).
And I think that I know why marrige was a law the included only one male one female.
To avoid monogomy.
And I bet it's not new, but it's something I just discovered, and it happenes on daily basis.


I hate Larry.
George's cousin.
His so competitive!
I hope you know what I'm talking about.


I'm just bored.
So bored.
No passionate for the better considered side?
Like joy from life.
Not love, love is awful, so does hate, and as well anger.



You know, I don't believe that atheist are smarter than people who believe.
Though, in Israel, it can happen.
How is that?
In Israel, we have few kinds of schools.
One is like mine, a school that will force you to learn a bit about religion (but still no more, because in Israel, the difference between country and religion doesn't exist), you are taught to believe in the exsitence of a perfect force, with gigantic ego.
Another is exactly like your Sunday school, but it's Jewish, they barely learn the *must* things, like math, English, and another second language, and of course they won't learn science, just the bible, and how to disrespect other people, how to be fearful and hateful to homosexuals, and how to make a wolfpack of children that you'll barely raise, and take all the money from the government, and than cry because you don't have enough money to feed your 20 children.
And there's the kind of school, and I know only one, it's in the north, it's probably the most kind school, it's combining Jewish, Muslim, and Christian students, of course, they learn until 4, but they learn only 4 days a week, and it's in the north, I assume near natzrat, that's what I remember anyway, and I think that freedom is the second name of the place.
Boarding schools, religous or not, I just know that it can be very intresting.


"Punishment punishment... Got it!" that's what I said on my way to the bed, to just do nothing there for few minutes, to conivince myself that every truthful thing I'd say, will have the same reaction, from a hateful mother.

Guess what.
My real me can suffere all she wants, as long as for the outside, I'm the perfect child.
I just feel awful daily, and she's fine with that as long as I'm perfect for the outside.


Can I just go?
My life was never so bitter.


There's a new TV program, it's called The Specials, and I just love Sam!
The episode with the ladyboys show, it was so funny!
He was excited, and he was sure that they are girls, and he was happy when they came on the stage, and then, a man sang something and took off his makeup, and Sam's face, so disspaointed, upset, he clapped annoyed, and afterwards the guy part, the ladies went on stage again! And he was super happy!
He's so sweet, I just saw episode 6, and he told Megan, that he will rescue her if she'll drown, and I don't know what happened, but she started to seem drowning, so he swimmed heroicly towards her, in attempt to actually rescue her, and then somehow they blamed him to trying to drown her!
He's probably one of the most charming, caring, and beautiful (both ways, because his handsome too), that actually exist on this world.

"Ignore".
I pressed that button, for her, that girl who used to be here for me, but everybody says he cares, until he finds somebody popular to follow, to be a part of his army, which is stupid, to be in a society belonging, that supresses other people to live happily.
Liar like her...
And I'm talking about the candian blind fool.

I'm going to make my homework, it's better to do it now...




I'm back, reading the arcitcles I opened before.
I tried to say to my mother and sister that sitting around, and I said it clearly out loud about the new island that was created because of an erathquaqqe in pakistan (7.8 on richter scale if I remember it correctly), and they pretended to not listen, but my mother, because she always never listens.
And I said afterwards "DO YOU EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY?!" and my mother shout that I just imagine talking to them!
I am not!
And my sister heard me, and bitched to me.


I went to grab a snack, something to just shove into my mouth.
And she yelled at me "I told not to snack! I'm making dinner!" and I yelled back "WHEN?!" because all she done for the last five hours, was sitting in the couch, playing in the Eeepad (I'm not sure how many E's it actually has), and yelling at us lies.

And guess what?
Another punishment!
Instead of walking to my room, I just stayed sitting on the last stair, I didn't wanted to walk, because somehow a voice told me to not go there, because if I will, I will try to jump out.

Everything lately in my life, shows me that trusting, believing, and having faith in others, is the worst thing that I can do.
No hopes, just going straight towards life.



Oh you will never believe this!
I'm laughing from the inside right now, because if I'd do it out loud, I'll be forced to show what I'm doing, and she will see my tabs of my choices, so no fucking way.
But in some religious inner cult (I call it a a cult) they spit on a lady because she wore a short sleeved shirt, and jeans (probably long beause of the weather), and they also threw on her their grabage (!).
So, some other leftside religous guy (leftsides believe and demend piece with the Arabs, and that Palestine will be considered as a country, those fools Israeli fools believing in peace!), said that also the less religous parts do that, and they all belong to Abarbanel.
I would be insulted, but that name is belong to a mentally ill people.
Which is making sense.
Because we are crazy as the people in that hospital.
Another comment said that lately Israel is like Iran, and I loved his commnet, it's truthful, and humorous.



WHAT?!
Tomorrow, thanks to my control freak mother, we are going to the temple/synogauge/another-name-for-a-Jewish-religous-place.
I need to tell at least my dad, right?
No...
Why is it happenning to me?!


"Who is he? A mini-me of Dean?" I asked joking.
And then, they mentioned his name.
"DEAN!"
I knew this guy since I was 6!
What the fuck?
It was so weird.



I'm just tired of it.
I know that my life is lately not the ones I'd like to have.
And the fact she's gone, doesn't make me feel any better.
Avoiding me.
Hating me.
Despising the fact I'm alive.
Accroding to her best friend plan, I should've dissappear, one way or another, my name shouldn't be known to anybody.



Wait what the fuck is that you're saying?
Enough I'm forced to go outside.
But now I even can't choose the color of my shirt?!
I have to wear white...

That's it, I'll have to tell them.
So if I'll stop posting, it might be a punishment, or being forced to do something stupid like that.
I just need two of them, together, listenning.

I have a funny idea.
All I need is a shirt and my closet ready.



One girl at Stips (the Hebrew version of Yahoo! Answers), said that people called her "Fat Bottomed Girl", she was super sad about it.
Luckily, I'm here (super dvash saving the world!), and guess what answer I gave, a lyric part from a osng in the same nickname they gave her.
Fat Bottomed Girls of Queen.
I have this song in my phone, thanks to the discs I got.



Well, appearently, we are going to the south tomorrow!
Fuck!
I hate getting the message in the fucking last minute.
I can make a small drama saying that I don't want to, and if she will try to force me or ask me why, I'll say I'm an atheist.
I don't believe in god.
I don't believe in the idea of religion.
They used to demand that being homo/bisexual, don't believe in god, or have a thought that isn't accepted by their religious leader, is mentally ill, on the meanwhile, those people are having an imaginary heroic entity, that will deide everything with a book.



Oh why are you doing to Blogger?!
That's my reaction for an Israeli writer, that decided to publish her vampirish tale she started writing in the fourth grade.
Why?
Nothing goes wonderful from writing a story in the fourth grade!
Who does that?


I'm becoming a meat vegiterian.
At least for now.
Oh you'll never believe what they do in Kosher slaughter!
I'll describe it, but if you want to see it, just type Kosher Chicken something, or whatever you feel like, you may google translate it.
They take the animal, and cutting her neck, not completly, but just making a sharp deep cut, that the one that affects the nerves too will be shutted so it "won't feel pain", and then, they are holding it upside down, so all the blood will be out because of the beating heart pulse.

Damn it people!
Now I have to tell my parents I'm a vegiterian, and that I'm an atheist!
Why won't I just say I'm gay too and finish the deal of taking off the mask (I just don't think that what I'm doing now is actually a closet).



I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Seriously, I have to tell, it will anyway only let me have more privacy.
And be more free in certain way.


So, I'm trying to draw something, I'd sare it with you, though Israeli might understand better.
I'll post it when I'll finish.



Tick tock, midnight striked, and poor cinderlla turned from a beautiful princess, to her ugly self.


I'm going to stop this post, good night people.



Berries,  Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.