Since I hate making introductions to the posts, I'll go straight to it.
Almost six months clean, just turned into 0 days clean.
And that means I basically cut myself today.
It was enough when I got so stressed from the fact I was late, and because yesterday I've been called Fat, but that kid that just stood in the middle of my way, and then shouted "Watch where you going COW!" and then turned to his friend, laughing about the fact I almost started crying.
I lost control, and found myself breaking the pencil sharpener using my ruler, and taking the tiny (and sharp, I must say), and just pressing it to a side of my hip (pretty much the hipbone area).
I almost forgot the way that blood looks like, the beauty of the pain, the joy of suffering.
I ate again a lot today, I assume it's because of my period.
It's so terrible!
I just eat endlessly...
So, after my back-to-self-harm thing is open.
I feel constantly stupid.
Fat.
I hate myself.
It's the fourth time the my life is crashing in the past 3 years!
You know how hard it is the physically grow up?
Like getting all of the stupid hormones, getting hips in the size of Russia, and gallons of fats?
And you know how hard it is to just see every skinny girl eating whatever she wants?
You don't.
So little kid, next time you say something that can damage, just say politely "sorry" or be quiet and keep going with your life.
My mother today pushed me (well, more like moved me), and my phone fell on the floor, the screen went insane, it only giving me blue stripes, I still manage to use it, and the touch is perfect, but I just can't see what I'm doing, I can hear, and it's good enough...
I don't feel alive anymore.
I just do what I used to do, wasting days...
It's not new to me, I'm used to just do my boring routine.
I hate pretty much 95 percent of my life.
I like you, I like movies and cartoons and animes and pretty much many things on English on TV, I like to learn, I just hate too many things.
Look, I noticed that most times that I feel suicidal, is because of her.
She was everything to me...
I still miss her.
And I'm dying because of it.
The first time I caused pain for me in purpose, because I missed her.
As how stupid you think it is, I think it's twice as stupid.
By the way self harm and stupidity, I got my daily joy, because I've heard about a new wave of the terrible (stupid and quite funny) self harm for people.
Now, people cut the fucked up butterfly of Black Veil Brides (I'm scared of butterflies), which is just mirrored B connected to V and than connected to another normal B.
And when I thought that cutting for Bieber was stupid, and started to forget that stupidity is worldwide, they did it!
I think that also tattooing yourself with band logos/lyrics are stupid, unless it's meaningful lyrics.
I just always forget that people are so fucking stupid.
Like, you can ask your parents to take you to a therapist, force you to go there and color papers for 40 minutes wishing you were already dead.
The closest thing to tattoo or shaped scar, is the awesome stuff that happened to Gemma's guardians/friends/lovers/creepy-crappy-beings, and they got the awesome tattoos the represent that they are creatures or they have a job.
I want to be a time traveler.
It's a dream to drink tea with Marie Antoinette, and take people's head off with a guillotine!
You know, I'm just, don't feel like breathing anymore.
I just want to kill myself.
All the time.
I'm drowning in a sea of sorrows.
And the lifeguard is busy flirting with random people.
I'm buried under ground and stones.
And the mortician keep placing the stones.
You know what I find hilarious.
Songs that an be so fucking depressing, but people just happily sing and dance to them.
I can laugh for hours.
Or cry.
Imagine people twerking for some song you like.
I felt that every forced wedding I saw got destroyed when the guy on VMA's wore Beetlejuice outfit, and Miley twerked on him.
Well, I barely remember Beetlejuice, but I remember it like I remember the Adams, like only few scenes.
I love creepy people.
I just loved the babysitter scene in there (Adams), and when the girl convinced somebody to dig up a grave for her.
And on beetlejuice, when he duct taped her mouth and married her.
I want to smile and mean it.
I don't remember the last time I was truly happy.
You know, I find that my life only got from medium life, to under every accepted.
I feel so alone...
I hate it!
I want to have people in my life.
I want to feel.
This emotionless experience driving me insane (more than normal), I want to feel.
Stones feel more than me!
What have I don't that made people hate me so much?
The fact that I like to learn? It's private, and I like to learn about fucked up things.
The fact that I always demand justice? I find that if there's truth that haven't got the correct punishment, is very unfair.
What have I done, people I never saw, hate me.
I want to stop breathing.
I lose control.
I can't handle anything.
Because I have nothing to handle.
I'm helpless.
Hopeless.
I feel that I over-reacting.
I just hate that paradox of Hypochondria.
I have it? I don't? What?
I think I have it, so I probably don't, but when you think you have something, it means you have it, but when you think that this something is that, it's confusing.
I hate the needy thing of being a part of something stable.
I want something, to be controlled.
I'm not ready to lead.
I just want to die.
It sounds charming to be a part of something.
Just to be interested in it, instead of constantly focusing about food, and grief.
Oh, to be part of something, from the saddest, through the weirdest.
Just settle in something...
A group of fucked up people, make each other happy, make each other feel.
I can't live being so alone.
I used to be friendly.
Now it seems that it's only a part from the past.
Now, being alone and I are close like I wish my door was.
Today I woke up again at the morning, I think it was laughing again.
All I remember was waking up happy.
Then everything got blurry and I fell asleep again.
I guess in my dreams, I'm happy.
At least it's something.
I have few hours, I'm not aware of what's happening, but I'm very happy.
Since I'd love to learn more about fucked up mental illnesses, how to find a quiet place of create one, and alike, I'm finishing the post.
Hopefully, that I won't cut myself again (I even lie to myself now, oh fuck).
Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.
Almost six months clean, just turned into 0 days clean.
And that means I basically cut myself today.
It was enough when I got so stressed from the fact I was late, and because yesterday I've been called Fat, but that kid that just stood in the middle of my way, and then shouted "Watch where you going COW!" and then turned to his friend, laughing about the fact I almost started crying.
I lost control, and found myself breaking the pencil sharpener using my ruler, and taking the tiny (and sharp, I must say), and just pressing it to a side of my hip (pretty much the hipbone area).
I almost forgot the way that blood looks like, the beauty of the pain, the joy of suffering.
I ate again a lot today, I assume it's because of my period.
It's so terrible!
I just eat endlessly...
So, after my back-to-self-harm thing is open.
I feel constantly stupid.
Fat.
I hate myself.
It's the fourth time the my life is crashing in the past 3 years!
You know how hard it is the physically grow up?
Like getting all of the stupid hormones, getting hips in the size of Russia, and gallons of fats?
And you know how hard it is to just see every skinny girl eating whatever she wants?
You don't.
So little kid, next time you say something that can damage, just say politely "sorry" or be quiet and keep going with your life.
My mother today pushed me (well, more like moved me), and my phone fell on the floor, the screen went insane, it only giving me blue stripes, I still manage to use it, and the touch is perfect, but I just can't see what I'm doing, I can hear, and it's good enough...
I don't feel alive anymore.
I just do what I used to do, wasting days...
It's not new to me, I'm used to just do my boring routine.
I hate pretty much 95 percent of my life.
I like you, I like movies and cartoons and animes and pretty much many things on English on TV, I like to learn, I just hate too many things.
Look, I noticed that most times that I feel suicidal, is because of her.
She was everything to me...
I still miss her.
And I'm dying because of it.
The first time I caused pain for me in purpose, because I missed her.
As how stupid you think it is, I think it's twice as stupid.
By the way self harm and stupidity, I got my daily joy, because I've heard about a new wave of the terrible (stupid and quite funny) self harm for people.
Now, people cut the fucked up butterfly of Black Veil Brides (I'm scared of butterflies), which is just mirrored B connected to V and than connected to another normal B.
And when I thought that cutting for Bieber was stupid, and started to forget that stupidity is worldwide, they did it!
I think that also tattooing yourself with band logos/lyrics are stupid, unless it's meaningful lyrics.
I just always forget that people are so fucking stupid.
Like, you can ask your parents to take you to a therapist, force you to go there and color papers for 40 minutes wishing you were already dead.
The closest thing to tattoo or shaped scar, is the awesome stuff that happened to Gemma's guardians/friends/lovers/creepy-crappy-beings, and they got the awesome tattoos the represent that they are creatures or they have a job.
I want to be a time traveler.
It's a dream to drink tea with Marie Antoinette, and take people's head off with a guillotine!
You know, I'm just, don't feel like breathing anymore.
I just want to kill myself.
All the time.
I'm drowning in a sea of sorrows.
And the lifeguard is busy flirting with random people.
I'm buried under ground and stones.
And the mortician keep placing the stones.
You know what I find hilarious.
Songs that an be so fucking depressing, but people just happily sing and dance to them.
I can laugh for hours.
Or cry.
Imagine people twerking for some song you like.
I felt that every forced wedding I saw got destroyed when the guy on VMA's wore Beetlejuice outfit, and Miley twerked on him.
Well, I barely remember Beetlejuice, but I remember it like I remember the Adams, like only few scenes.
I love creepy people.
I just loved the babysitter scene in there (Adams), and when the girl convinced somebody to dig up a grave for her.
And on beetlejuice, when he duct taped her mouth and married her.
I want to smile and mean it.
I don't remember the last time I was truly happy.
You know, I find that my life only got from medium life, to under every accepted.
I feel so alone...
I hate it!
I want to have people in my life.
I want to feel.
This emotionless experience driving me insane (more than normal), I want to feel.
Stones feel more than me!
What have I don't that made people hate me so much?
The fact that I like to learn? It's private, and I like to learn about fucked up things.
The fact that I always demand justice? I find that if there's truth that haven't got the correct punishment, is very unfair.
What have I done, people I never saw, hate me.
I want to stop breathing.
I lose control.
I can't handle anything.
Because I have nothing to handle.
I'm helpless.
Hopeless.
I feel that I over-reacting.
I just hate that paradox of Hypochondria.
I have it? I don't? What?
I think I have it, so I probably don't, but when you think you have something, it means you have it, but when you think that this something is that, it's confusing.
I hate the needy thing of being a part of something stable.
I want something, to be controlled.
I'm not ready to lead.
I just want to die.
It sounds charming to be a part of something.
Just to be interested in it, instead of constantly focusing about food, and grief.
Oh, to be part of something, from the saddest, through the weirdest.
Just settle in something...
A group of fucked up people, make each other happy, make each other feel.
I can't live being so alone.
I used to be friendly.
Now it seems that it's only a part from the past.
Now, being alone and I are close like I wish my door was.
Today I woke up again at the morning, I think it was laughing again.
All I remember was waking up happy.
Then everything got blurry and I fell asleep again.
I guess in my dreams, I'm happy.
At least it's something.
I have few hours, I'm not aware of what's happening, but I'm very happy.
Since I'd love to learn more about fucked up mental illnesses, how to find a quiet place of create one, and alike, I'm finishing the post.
Hopefully, that I won't cut myself again (I even lie to myself now, oh fuck).
Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.
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