Lost It All.

Fuck me, eating so much again...
Sometimes, I just can't stop, like I need to keep eating, more, and more, and more...
It's annoying.
I just feel fat afterwards.

I want to have flat belly, I just gained weight, and ta da, stomach is big like a full moon.
Not even talking about other body parts.

How does it fair that some just look skinny all the time, and some just gain weight from nothing.


So today, I started the day, not surprised about the large amount of hatred towards anything in school that forces me to do things that I like to do on my own, when they just make it annoying.
So English, I absolutely hate it.
My grammar sucks.
I'm wise (I don't really like to use the word smart for subjects like these), but not very smart when it comes to the language, so of course, I have an urge to always correct others in their goddamn awful spelling.

Am I the only one who hates creepy religious beliefs that looks terribly realistic?!
Seriously, the Dybbuk, with the movie they made Possession, oh god this is very disturbing!
The fingers from her throat, and the bugs, I'm pretty much disgusted to afraid of bugs, like a panic attack is coming and destroying my appetite.

OH I'VE FINALLY GOT IT.
A DOUBLE THERAPY.
IT'S A FUCKING WIN-WIN SITUATION!
Look, whenever I'm hungry, just some bugs, I absolutely lose all of my appetite when I see one.
Back there, at the baby shower, I couldn't wait to get some steak and Kebabs, and then I saw two bugs (one of them looked like the one from the movie!) and I barely ate afterwards, I moved inside because I got panicked, and even then barely eating, everything I ate reminded me the bugs!
PROBLEM FUCKING SOLVED.

Oh fucking god she's controlled by a demonic female that controls her, even her food habits, she tells her she's special, and nobody can see her, or hear her, only Emily can.
Only I think about what many refer to their inspiring imaginary persona/friend/enemy/frienemy  Ana?
Or Mia because she almost threw up fingers and then threw up those bugs?
Just incredibly disturbing.


A tip for life:
Never, but I mean NEVER buy a wooden box with a foreign language (or that isn't very common), and if you can read it, and it says demonic things or alike, DO NOT BUY IT, I repeat, DO NOT BUY IT!

So, if I could be creative enough, to find a friend, nobody can see, or hear, but only I can, I would be grateful, a ghost (like the new thing on Disney that taking too much time, they should replace it into Gravity Falls), or a maggot (I love -almost- every movie of Tim Burton, this one is from Corpse Bride), and maybe even a monster, or a pet.
Just someone that won't tell, or judge, or be annoying to me, just there.
I'm all alone now...
I'm sad...
I want friends...
A real friend...
But how can I? When the one who made me happy... Is so far away...

Lately I'm numb, on breaks, I usually sit on the staircase, just waiting for the time to pass, when  I'm so alone, and just wait that something will happen.
And in the classes, just sit with my sketchbook, draw things, depression, suicidal, unhealthy, and that stuff crap.
Probably the most unhealthy things that isn't related to anorexia nervosa, and it's relatives, it's what I call slavery and I mostly draw it on energy drink cans (I just love them!), or junk foods (which I mostly hate), and other high-caloric foods.
I draw words, but my hand write is mostly messy and/or connected, so it's not very difficult to read, but to understand.
I draw skeleton figure hearts (imagine anorexic figure, like ribs, lungs, collar bones) and write "Ana Hearted" nobody actually understand it, they assume it's another one of my freaky drawings, that get worse and worse every time...

I feel alone.
Lately, the emotional-mental fuck ups are my only ones.
The Black Dog? I feel more like a ginger cat mode.
We used to know a ginger cat on the parking lot, my brother from unknown reason always called him Ada I don't know why, nobody knows, it don't even sound like a cat on Hebrew, but for now, it's dead.
Got ran over about two and a half year ago...
It's sad, funny, depressing, yes, dead cats aren't my favorites.

So, the anorexic weak monster is rising, if I only could feed it, make her stronger, let her rise, let her shine, let her grow.
But no matter how, something in me kills her, or at least suffocating her.
She rose back now, even stronger.
I hope that one day she'll be strong enough.

This long weekend, will earn it some extra points, but soon she'll start fainting, she's going insane, and lately, I'm becoming like her, insane, alone, obsessive...

Have I mentioned that I'm hypochondriac mentally.
It's like hypochondria, but instead of physical disease, it's mental illness obsession.
Fucked up, I'm like the even smaller form of mental disease.
Look, I think I have it, but don't sure I have it, it's a mental illness, it's like a paradox.
I think I have this mental illness, but not sure, which is something that hypochondriacs have.
It's so confusing!
Well, I guess I have it but not have it, it's so weird to write or explain it.

So I figured out today, that I just got ignored, by my only friends, it was the second time that I asked them they said yes, and then they fucking ignored, didn't care, and pretty much didn't want me around, they left me, alone, again.
I just need to stay away from them, to die slowly, not ending my life physically, I don't believe in suicides.
I'll just be depressed, occasionally talking to strangers online, fasting competitions, bullied buddies.


Oh god, I want a pet, like a nice, hugging pet, one that won't let me down, like an Egyptian cat, it won't leave hairs that disturb my mother, it's also nice, it don't gain love often.
Or maybe a dog, a kind that leave even less hair.
I just want something to cuddle with.


You know, just now I figured out, that I haven't read classics, and I don't like this fact.
The most classical ones, Sherlock Holmes, the closest ones was on Zack and Cody and on that episode with Daffy Duck (I'm a huge fan of this duck!), and Romeo and Juliet, on Code Lyoko (yes, that funny episode when Ulrich and Odd though they were still on Lyoko) and that girl in school named Julia, or this story about love and pride and another something (for sure no pray eat love, that book is incredibly stupid).

And I never watched the Titanic (it's weird and funny that the most dramatic disaster occurred on my birth date), or The Breakfast Club, it's weird, I'm just so new aged, it's awful.



Is it weird that I'm that damn curious about what happened to Azula's and Zuko's mother?
Where is she?
She's alive, right?

If I would be a bender, I'd like to be water bender, but I find more important to be an energy bender, to bend my own energy.
It sounds beautiful.



You know, I understood quite well the fire nation royal legacy, I remember the names pretty good on Hebrew, I just don't know how to spell it on English.
And I figured out what is the best hair on Avatar, or to get Iroh's hair, or Yue's, it's gorgeous, perfect.


Oh, this loneliness...
I don't know how to describe it...
It's like that day; I came to Gal's to help her to take photos of Yali and then, they locked the room, left me outside, have I cried? a bit.
But now?
Now I feel like a fool, G said that she'll always be with me, whenever I need it.
And guess what?!
I'm fucking dying here.
She's basically digging my grave!

Well, I constantly feel like I'm about to die.
I just lost hope.
Lost faith.
Lost it all.
My mind is insanity.
My social life is under rock bottom.

I used to get attached and understand Stay Away From My Friends, but come fucking ON!
What friends?
Ha!
What friends?
Who are they?
Do they even remember that I exist?
I barely even hear music anymore...


I guess that all night, I'll try to understand about things to do, so I won't die from loneliness...

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.