Yom Kipur 01

At the start of the day...
I assumed that it will be considered as a good day.
I've been so wrong...
And it's only 10am.

So...
What happened?

I was making the algebra (fuck stupid numbers and letters), and I couldn't concentrate without music, so I played it very quietly (and when I say quietly I mean it), it was even an acceptable song, it was the beatles...
Nothing rude, funky, new, or with a slutty video...
Yet, my mother fucking yelled loudly at me for playing the music.
So not only I was pissed off because that everybody else made irratating noises and the Television did too, I find it so unfair.
Then, I accidently stabbed my head with a mechanical pencil (everybody knows that "trick" when you just press the earser and pretend that the lead is in your skin when it's just getting into the pencil, it got in my head), and I was in pain, so semi-hurt noises came out with my mouth...
It annoyed her as well...
And then she yelled again...
"What's wrong with you?!?!! what are those noises?!?!?!" and it was so far away from caring, it was her forcing me to pretned I'm perfect snd happy.
I yelled back (it's my thing, to reply with the same tone they used on me), "I'm in pain!!" and was so pissed off.
She yelled at me to get in the bathroom, and stay there.
When I was there...
I screamed...
No words...
No music...
Nothing...
Just screaming, from the top of my lungs, all the pain, the furustration, the hatred, all of what I felt, all my past, in one screaming...
And then she burst in, fucking yelling at me again "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!" and I just answered back (it wasn't a yell from me, it's more like a strong loud voice, my yelling sounds different) "What do you want me to answer?!" because what can I say?
She will always say that my life could be worse...
I know I could be a poor family, or stuff...
But the common issues (like parents who divorce or pass away, a fire, stuff that will change your life, to be kicked out of your house, and stuff like that), seems tempting, because all of them won't leave me options, and will lead me to the life I meant to have.
Then she yelled at me again to stay at the hall...
My face was frozen, trauma expresssion all over it, I was shaking, hoping that somebody will save me.
I was quiet.
A trauma...
I hoped that somebody that actually cares and loves me, not because he have to, but because he do (sorry for saying it as it was a male, it's for both genders, male, female, and pretty much every fucking thing else), just that will hold me, when I'm breaking apart.
It can be an animal (even an ant, they became the only company I get lately, and even they go away), it can be a human (not that they are actually for me), but nothing came...
I considered again, to jump out...
To just end that nothingness...

So...

Now it's three and I'm posting as fast as I can before the holiday is coming in!

So...

Just few stuuf and the last meal for the next 24 hours!

So, yesterday, when Mr. Dude said my story, before him, another boy said a story, about a bully. 

That was an obvious attention whore (or gigolo, the bully was a guy after all).

He bullied kids. 

But if I want to get into the point fast (that's what I remember anyway), it went into a place where the bully threatened suicide.

He said that he will jump from the stairs on his head and told everybody to come and watch. 

And I was like, Wow. 

Heartless, disrespecting, idiot, bully. 

Who the fuck is doing such a thing?!

I hope his parents took him to a very long therapy by threatening suicide and harming others for joy and because he have attention issues!

I see therapy as one of the worst thing that can happen to a person.

I think it's a huge insult to people who actually dealing with being bullied, suicidal, and crave for attention (it's pretty much me, but I'm not like over bullied, or very suicidal -most of the time-, or craving for attention all the time), he's just did something so evil (on the bad side of evil), so awful, even the devils won't accept him to hell, he's too bad for them. 

Like, seriously?

You know how many people I know by now that or did or almost did it? Killing themselves out of stupidity?!

I know four.

The couple that is famous but still never worth it, because it's not that it's even that interesting, they are Bella and Edward, and the two incredibly young, stupid, and in love, that died because of two reasons of what they are, Romeo and Juliet.

I don't need to add the fifth, a stupid bully who killed himself to get attention. 

So...

Since I'm fasting (like the year before), it's more than a usual fasting. 

Not like in pro-anorexia blogs, that let you drink, chew gum, watch TV, etc. because you fucking can't. 

You're not allowed to use electricity (including lights), you aren't allowed to set fire and stuff like that, you aren't allowed to eat/drink, and pretty much that's all I remember. 

So it's not "just fasting" it's a complex fasting. 

So, another thing, all night I've been hoping I had the guts to apologize in front of Gal, about everything I ever said, or thought. 

But I don't have the guts. 

And today, there was music...

Guess what?

The exact song that probably is one of the few that made me cry, Coldplay's Fix You. 

In that point I felt bad with myself. 

So, I want to finish before the complex fasting begins...

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.