So, I forget about the cruelty against me yesterday.
I wore some half pastel bright green shirt, black leggings because I'm forced to wear them (stupid uniform!), and the black hoodie, it's not a clothing piece, it's not just a fahion addition, it's a fucking lifestyle.
And guess what?
Appearantly, even people I supposed to be friends with, keep saying that I'm gothic, goth, and it doesn't matter how you would call it, because it's probably only a half from that "insult", I said as defense "I'm not gothic/goth because gothic/goth people are boring", as an answer I got "I rest my case".
Now...
That's just cruel.
And it's not that he doesn't know the whole complete story including the secret, he knows, he knew it without me to tell him, other told him...
And yes, I don't like being called goth/gothic, I find them very boring with all those twilight themed outfits (black and red, and sometimes purple, it looks like a fucking Christian funeral), and they are more depressing and talking like they are corpses.
But,
Am I boring?
Wow, it's like, a punch below the belt in wrestling (I know I'm saying it wrong, the most I know about wrestling is from my dad and that guy named Guy in my old class who really liked WWE), I just hate boring people (explains a bit, I pretty much hate 90 precent out of every single personality), they can be numb, they can't be emotional, they can smile all day, and they can cry, but it's never original, never new, it's like the enemy of a hipster, way too mainstream to see.
Wow...
I'm boring...
That is probably one of the sayings that I've been ever told to ever...
Am I boring?
This is awful, you can say I'm ugly (I'm used to it), you can say I'm fat (slowly getting used to it), you can say that I'm dumb (way too used to eat), but when you say I'm boring, you can fucking stab me, but that knife won't hurt as those words...
I've been called fat... Again...
Am I really that fat?
I should record it, and just replay it when
I'm hungry.
But maybe just normal fat, it would be at least normal,
But calling me the other side of fat, the enormous people, the kind of 600 kg weight people...
That just make me feel terrible.
You know what's funny?
If I'd actually kill myself, nobody will guess why, nobody that is smart enough and knows enough will ever understand that, those 1+1 things, eventually pile up, stacks of insults, broken pieces of your shield...
Eventually it breaks apart, and all the monsters can get in (but vampires can't, they must get an invitation to your house first), and all illnesses (physical and mental) are invited...
Sometimes it takes time to build a new shield, sometimes you just try to repair it for a while, but in some point it will break apart...
Today in school we learned about the beginning of Christianity...
The thing that I probably wonder the most about, does Jesus when he gave birth to himself, did he tore the virginity thingy or she did it? And if he did, how painful it was?
Like seriously, am I the only one confused?
So, I'm getting really nervous from that art...
Pressure, judgement, just that they are looking at it, even when they are giving a compliment, I think about that if they say something they judged it.
Am I paranoid?
Like Freddie in that superheroes episodes on Back At The Barnyard, it took me three months to understand why they called peck the green chicken...
It's like green lantern!
So...
I'm sad....
Very much...
There's a book, named "somebody to run with" I never read it, but the situation today at the practice was exactly the opposite from the title.
In the warm up, we had to run a kilometer, and keep talking/singing on the meanwhile, no walking, just running and talking...
I had nobody to talk to...
So I ran alone.
And I did asked a girl, but he said she was running with another girl...
She lied...
I didn't have a living soul next to me...
Nothing saved me from my own thoughts, the ones that tells me I'm never enough...
Then, we had more stuff like jogging, different types of running, and stretches...
I felt that people are looking at me...
Judging...
In the last parts, we had some core and stomach excresises, and after it I felt good...
Why?
Because I've done it so well, the coaches (Russian, Igor and Irina) mentioned it, complimented me for my strong core (I know it sounds weird), and I felt good, they basically won my thoughts, they told me that I AM good enough.
After it I was super happy!
And went home happier.
Because when I came to the bus stop, the bus just drove away, so the girl that sits next to me in Arabic, offered me to get a ride!
I accepted it, and enjoyed it.
One thing more depressing than those pop songs (weird, I know...), are those Hebrew songs that from some reason, people actually like!
It's so weird!
Wow...
With every minute that passes, my friends seem dumber and dumber, irritating, immature, and just so common.
They are fucking annoying.
You can't apologize to everybody who is willing to read on your Facebook, or Whatsapp, you can't just copy somebody else's message and change the name so we will forgive your stupidity, you just simple can't!
You need to go in front of that person, look him in the eyes, say you're sorry and mention why if you know why, and then leave.
It's easy say hard to do.
I have a natrual fear, from judging.
I just hate it.
Every laugh is about me.
Every word is about me.
I just think that people constantly judge me.
And what have I done to them?
Breathed?!
Unfair.
Why can't I just sit here, and be stupid enough to wait for her.
Today, I almost killed a person.
It's quite obvious her name.
But we call her MB.
She passed next to me, I was surprised, upset, angry (mostly to her new BFF, my best friend from the second kindergarten -I'm pretty good at holding the grudge), and just so, my muscles tended, and I was on the edge of beating the crap out of her.
You know...
It's so weird what happened to that triplet.
The one that was popular... Well, even her bad past things don't affect her anymore.. She's popular again.
Her sidekick/best-friend is no longer those names,
She alone, embarrassed, quite, and different... No longer happy...
And I am? Well, I was like this for a long while,
But it just got worse, it's like knowing you have cancer, but not taking care of it...
I wonder how long that emptiness will remain?
It's the same routine...
Endlessly...
Just showing you that life is exactly the same, not even taking a baby step towards anywhere....
YOU CAN GO TO FUCKING FUCK YOURSELF WITH A PINEAPPLE!
Are you fucking that stupid?!
How innocence can you pretend you are?!
You can say that "to all of my friends, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you..." And blah blah blah and emoji faces!
But gladly I'm not your friend!
Yes dear bitch that should burn in a gas station and stay alive and still understand that her wounds will heal but the ones she caused will never heal.
Time and pills can't fix everything.
Wow, I really hate my life again now...
I have no idea what to do...
I'd hate to keep living like that...
But, I can't do anything else before I'm 21...
I want to feel cold...
To be freezing again...
Every minute of the day, endless coldness...
Just making my shiver, my bones to feel like ice...
Wow, those voices in my mind are very helpful, some want me dead, some want me in trouble and in a therapy, but some just want me to get high...
Getting my brain to release chemicals that can be found in chocolate...
Maybe actually drugs...
Who knows?
I've made some rules to follow, but I have them in my backpack,
So I won't give them now.
Today, I blushed for the fourth time in my life.
It was weird...
It's a new rule now,
# Never tell a story/secret that isn't yours.
Because today a guy that used to be in my old class and now is in the current one too, told mine, I got so nervous, panic attack if necessary to say.
But, I was so nervous, so sad, I felt so bad, I considered doing it again, but I knew the consequences of it, and preferred to not do it.
Wow, I couldn't believe he told my story, everybody knows it, like, the whole city did, but I have a feeling, that when they'll teach their children about bullying, I'd be a great example...
Everybody gasped and was shocked in the classroom.
I smiled a mysterious smile every once in a while, because in the few 6 that knew who was the girl, I was her, the girl with the wounds in her hearts, the girl who fell a victim to her worst best friend.
I wondered, and still am, why he mentioned it, he could've wait for me to say it...
Maybe he knew I was too shy...
It's a possibility.
I'm just like Jude when it comes to girls...
Always pick the wrong ones...
So just a game that I recommend playing, it's called monster battling camp, or something, it got high rating on the App Store, so play with it, join my thingy of the Black Orginization (I have no idea why it named this way), but they accepted me!
Berries, survivors,
I hope you'll make it.
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