Shortcuts

Let me murder myself.

Please. 

Today was awful. 

All the time I want to die. 

But sometimes I really want it, I want it so bad,

That I'm actually starting to consider it. 

I just want to leave this place. 

Just to go far away. 

Now.

Leave this place right now. 

I want to pack a bag, and just leave. 

Maybe to go somewhere else. 

I have no idea, but I know I don't want to stay. 

So, what's happened?

I'll start with the morning. 

Waking up to the usually laughing in sleep on 5 am, and then waking up at 6 or so. 

I had no time to actually eat breakfast (thanks to my mother), so I just got one and I ate it on the way. 

When I took the second piece of apple, my tooth fell, I should be happy, but it was the only single highlight of this terrible day. 

Then, being miserable at school, I could stay any longer with that fake fool, she's no getting it, ain't she?

I can't stand people who can't be real, even when you're not sure who you are, just be true. 

And I'm just alone.

No matter who is next to me, I feel lonely. 

It's hard to be happy. 

I forgot how it feels, to mean your smile, and not just to show small one so everybody will believe I'm okay. 

I don't think that pretending you feel something you don't feel at all is right. 

It's wrong, but it's better than people that will need answers, and will try to make you happy, but all they will do, I'd to make you feel bad about yourself. 

And when coming back home, I had less than 20 minutes to get ready to the psychopathic psychologist, and I just couldn't handle it. 

She asked me how it's between me and my mother, I answers that it's fine.

I was sure that I'm saying the truth. 

But then, I got home...

I just can't stand her. 

She can't do anything right, and she blames me for her errors. 

I just don't want to stay here. 

I want to leave this place. 

Maybe I'll find some adopting family somewhere. 

But I'm too afraid. 

I can't wait to get out of here. 

I hate this place. 

I want to go. 

I just hate it, I can't stay in here any longer. 

I know I don't believe in suicide, but it's do tempting. 

I'm trying to avoid cutting myself, and ending up scratching my neck and stopping right before its starting to bleed. 

I constantly want to die. 

I just hate it.

I must fake the filthy happiness. 

Because when I'm myself, my parents are mad at me.

My mother asking evil rhetorical questions. 

I feel like a victim of a chain of events. 

I don't feel like doing anything. 

Crying my eyes out?

I'm numb to joy. 

The only thing that I can feel now, it's that apathy surrounded with depression, sometimes anixety in school, and endless fights against myself. 

I just want to die. 

Not doing anything. 

Just blankly staring. 

I have nobody. 

No one will really care for where I am. 

I might spend a week in mentally ill hospital, and nobody will notice. 

Nobody will feel the difference. 

I don't find the weird need to keep up, not caring about teen news was always in me, but completely not giving a fuck, hmf...

I don't have to know what Justin Bieber done, or what single One Direction is having, I don't even to make the extra effort to find if there's a small piece talking about that artists I actually read about, like that one time with Panic! At The Disco, or that small line about Linkin Park, or that article that I can't even remember about Black Veil Brides, or that small thing about this guy from My Chemical Romance, I barely remember, because if you would combine them all, it's pretty much half a page (including the article).

But it's pretty much the same with many other stuff. 

I've seen a paragraph (they writers barely giving a shit), about some two girls making a comeback in a remake, or remix of pop music. 

But never ever some tiny line about M2M.

Like, seriously?

...

So...

I just wanted to say it for a while.

I LOST FAITH IN ENGLISH. 

I'm used to think that in English, the books and workbooks will be written with "clean" English, no shortcuts, no cussing. 

But when I got to open that damn book, I found out that even then, talking and writing properly is nothing to others. 

And guess what shortcut? It's not used often, it's starting the letter F'. 

It's FYI.

For. 

Your.

Information. 

For your fucking information, you just can write "fun fact" or bullshit alike, because if I'd ever see again a childish shortcut like that, I'll lose it, defiantly lose it, you can see me calling them and yelling them to stop teaching children how to not speak English. 

I think that people with S in their names are 5 precent more awesome then the rest, and if they're Russian, it's extra 2. 

Shasha is a great example, like the guy from 2012, and they human being in the dictator, he also directed Madagascar 3.

I hate the stupid shortcuts. 

The only place it's acceptable, it's on Twitter. 

On that drama-less page I'm liking (I should dislike it, I'm getting bored), there's a dude, or a dudet (this is my female version of dude) who made a shortcut for Bullet For My Valentine it took me whole five minutes to solve it. 

And then, there was another one, I gave up. 

So goodnight bitches. 

Berries, Survivors,

I hope you'll make it.