Deep shit

Okay, I'm in serious deep shit. 

I'm going to get punished, every single time I won't do my homework!

I don't want to know what will happen if I'll fail (and since I had no idea for a thing) in Arabic. 

So much pressure on me!

Now I understand those people!

But why do I have to learn the hard way?

Okay, this renovation is literally killing me!

I'm super tired every fucking day, I'm almost falling asleep in class at 11-12 on, it's like a fucking clock. 

I have no time. 

I'm having sports everyday and my whole body is sore. 

I'm having homework and plenty in specific days thanks to my special school, so my brain is sore as well. 

I constantly think about killing myself. 

Now I'm under serious watching of my teachers, coach (Irena), and my parents, telling me that I'm not socializing enough (I seriously wonder what's anti-social means? Sarcasm).

I can't do this. 

I can't. 

Okay, I want to die, every fucking moment, but I'm not dying, so I'm suffering. 

I'm learning all the time, about such a boing material! What's so bad about learning in a way that you have fun which is easy!

There is no rest!

I don't think that what in doing right now is called "living", technically, I am breathing, my heart is beating, and my brain is working, physically I'm alive, but mentally? Not at all. 

Today is my funeral for mentally living. 

For once in that month, may I calm the fuck down?!

Well, this post is tragic. 

I have so much to say, but I usually forget if it's too much to write. 

So that's it. 

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

I'm alive

It's no an actual post, I just wanted to let you know, that I haven't done it. 

Though I promised I'll never will, I also promised that I won't cut myself until I'll be 14, and fuck it happened. 

Since I'm going crazy without writing, and in not writing because of my lack of time, I have a whatsapp group, and I'm the only member, it's called "pathetic people" and the logo-photo of it is some classic cartoon cheese I drew once. 

It's not very alive, but it's me. 

If you'd show some interest, I'd open one with something that doesn't include phone numbers and other details group for the blog, for short and fast updates!

Well I'm not dead. 

Hooray?

Will you shut the fuck up?

I wonder how stupid and addicted can you be (the fact that I say that doesn't matter), to join a cult (again, still doesn't matter), and get beaten up, in front of you children, in a fucking huge polygamy, and fucking spanking, by the leader or another "wife".
I'm sorry, it's so fucked up, how people can ignore the fact that it's still here.

And scientology, I'm sorry I can't talk much about it, I haven't learned enough to completly judge it (another reason why I like to learn: I can judge more people, objects, and organizations), so as far as I know it, it's not very harmful, *though* like in every other thing in life, some people take it more seriously than others, and in that religion/cult/organization, they hire/take-care-of/use a really confident people with th abillity to convince others.
And actually, those incredible convincing people, it may sound like the worst part of this whole idea of scientology, but their job is to lead others to their beliefes and choices, no tell me what's the difference between them to a good salesman.
There is no difference, the intention for their actions are the same, they both want you to go in the path they are offering

So, I just really think that making a book saying that some alien came to earth, set some nuclear bombs and alien souls in volcanos, and afterwards created life, it means one thing.
His believes would love Spore.

Spore is a game, that pretty much let you control evolution.
You start with some fish-worm and develop, you get weapons, you can pick your mouth, your speed, and then, after living and getting enough DNA, you become to the world (sometimes you keep living in the water, and you die by the sea monster when you go to the ground, but it's better to live on the ground, and when you go to the ocean you die by the sea monster), and you start getting legs, and start to befriend or attack other creatures, you keep learning, befriending, develpoing, and you can become in so many forms, even as a human looking creature (!), then, after more time getting DNA and brain, you become a tribe.
In the tribe, you can be peaceful tribe, gifting, and such, maybe you can be very dangerous, murder everybody (what I used to do, because I was too lazy to be nice), and you can find the balance.
On each way your way will be set, when you transfer from a gooey monster, you become herbivore/omnivore/carnivore, and on the creature, you become something else, on tribal when you finish, you'll become milatary if you killed the most, religous if you gave gifts and was kind the most, and economic if you were just in the middle.
After finishing, the cilivcation part, when you have to rule the world (peace, money, or army), you build a spaceship, and go discover your galaxy, visit others through some mysterious holes, and create life.
I like to create life the most, and I like to play Don't Drop the Alien, so how to create life? You first need to stabilize the atmosphere, you need to change the temperture and how much clouds and how high the atmosphere is, than, you must put some plants, in three main sizes, small medium and big, after putting one from a kind, you can place animals, you got to put two herbivores and one carnivore and then you can put a colony, that it get stablizes, and you can go to the second layer, and put some more.
I love doing it.




Black Sea of Trees, what a weird novel.
I just read about it, that after it's publishing, many people commited suicide in some forest in Japan.
And one thing.
If you live, and you want to die...
Don't you want to get a Drawin award for that?
Or at least inspire people before?
If you die, die in style.
You have no idea how boring is that to hear about people who jump from the buildings, why can't they just dance with bacon ligneire among hungry lions?

I don't find what's the problem with dying this way, seriously people, what the fuck is wrong with your minds that killing yourself is super tragic?!



Will you ever shut up?!
A fucking attention whore (seriously, I should get payed for maying attention to your boring exsitence), who cares about you, and that you ran to the gym, and who cares, because nobody actually does.
I just can't stand them, you can make another group for talking, but you won't, why would you? The prurpose of your endless texting is for your private attention, because daddy-moomy-attention issues gone wrong.
And guess what?
There is a girl, that from her being alone and unknown, she only grew wiser, she uses words, and you call her names for that, she stopped giving a fuck, and you call her names for that, she can be everything, but she won't, and it's maybe because she doesn't like it, and the last time it happened she almost died, or maybe it's something else, who the fuck knows anyway, but still, you call her names for that.
You ask what she hears, and she lies, because she's sick of judging.
She's not talking much, but when she does, it got a meaning, too bad she's shutting her mouth for your endless trash talking mouths about how beautiful this singer, and how sexy and cool that band, and how great that song, and I don't disagree, or agree, I just say whatever you want in different ways, that may insult the less knowing (I can tell you that over hearing music and/or tv from any kind, will over take your life unless you get books to read and enjoy, or a decent movie that isn't do full of love, because The Mast is a great humor movie, which everybody got to love if they like comics, 3d effects, and green people).
And guess what?
I'm sick of being that girl.
I hate listenning to their goddamn bullshit about Emined vs. One Direction and Miley Cyrus on the side.
And why should I get 100+ messages in a simple hour because your childish arguments?!


Today, we had that tradition of that thing with that shirt.
I was forced to go and socialize.
Irena forced me to go towards the girls.
I almost cried, but you know that I'm against leaking.
I was alone there, though I was surrounded by people, I was alone there to be with my thoughts.

My mom told me that I'll be labeled as a snobby hoe.
At least it's better than black wearing gothic.
Who cares about my label, it's not that they stick it up on my forehead, and it's not that I don't know that I'm not like that.
I don't care that they are calling, getting woried that I'm not socializing enough, or that I'm unfriendly!
I'm doing good now, with a small amount of friends that mostly in different school, and I'm not going to that weird place I came from.
I've changed, and  I'm still changing.

Why do they have to be so nosy about it?!
Socializing is a need in The Sims 3, but for Loners it isn't.
My interction with faceless worldwide spreaded strangers on daily basis are the best for me.


I'm sick of being surrounded by them.
For once, can you grow a brain?
It won't hurt, I promise!
I just want people to understand for once, that as much as life is fun and young, reality will hit you... And it will hurt.

So, why am I here, suffering group text messages?
I don't know.
I'm not quite sure.
But I'm here, and it's all that matters.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

First day

Today was the first day at that school.
You will never understand how disturbing and mentally scarring what  I saw, but in some way, I was super happy, and seeing that didn't cahnged my mind, I was fascinated.

At the first period, we learned about random things, like Atom bombs (and who was the president and such), Stalin, techonogy, and many other random subjects.
At the second, we learned about what choices we have, Chinese culture, drawing (I hate drawing, it's forcing you, it's not freedom when it's in school, it's not art, it's sadness), and what things are actaully made of (it's that blonde teacher that dyed black, is in a band, teached another teacher, taught kids how to play the guitar in an unusual way, is forty but he looks way younger, and his a vegan, shortly, that teacher with the long story).
The second period I keep for later, because... Because.
And on the third, it's animation 2, and I didn't liked animation than, and I won't like now, I prefer doing it in Max 3DS, and art on Artrage (soon I'll get SAI).

But on the second, we started to say our names and then an inner body part that starts in the same letter, in Hebrew, all I could find is blood, but blood doesn't count, so I was stuck.
We had to google it.
And we couldn't find anything with my first letter, but we could find what Penile subincision means and looks like.
I never thought I'd see a torn/cut/sliced penis, that wasn't caused by insane girlfriend or the crazy wife that caught him cheating, that was mostly for some tribal/religous ritual, or for some aesthetics reasons or more pleasure.
And after all, you can always say how terrible, painful or whatever you feel like saying on it, but getting cirumsised.


Oh my fucking what the fuck are you doing to those babies vagina?!
There is such a thing called female genital mutilation.
And it's cutting off the clit (what the hell?!) and than sewing together the lips.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PARENTS!
It's fucking destroying yor daughter's choice of actually feeling something in sex, or at least pee like a normal person!

I feel bad for human beings...
Cutting body parts, forcing to learn stupid impossible things, and prevent all the good things, and put them all under a name of "very important religous thing" title.
And just for you to know, atheists aren't snobby and think they are the best because they stopped believeing, most of them borned this way!
Like me, I always knew I'm better, but I was quiet about it, because noise is annoying when it's out of my mouth.


Just last thing, on my way to that northern home, I saw somebody in his car, and he heard music, so e started having weird dancing, and I laughed, and than after a while, I saw him again, drumming on his car, and I really laughed out loud.
And on the last time, I showed my sister and brother what he done without stopping laughing, and he saw that, gave me that look of you know what "I'm so fucking dissapointed" combined with some anger, and then he smiled a bit, and waved us!
People, I'm great at making people laugh.
Even sometimes I make myself, and it's super fun.


Guys, believe it or not, I think I'm going happy again!
I would throw a party for my happiness, when I'll have a room, and I'll celebrate it with watching Matrix, because I never watched it before, and it got something with pills, so why not.

Tomorrow I don't have school, but I have something else, so...
It will be a surprise.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.

Not calm

Today, in school, we've been told, that somebody from the other sport class wants to move to ours.
We don't know if it's a guy or a girl, we have no idea.
But if it would be somebody, you know who I want it to be.

And that same one girl I wanted it to be, barely coming to school, always late, and to sports she's not making it most of time, who have she became?
I have no idea, but she changed, and that thing that makes her so bitter and moody (I can only wish moody for good), and it scares me, for real, I'm terrifyed, who can know what she's going through?!

In other news, we started playing the giant and the dwarf (however you call it, but it's the game that you bring anonmiously a gift to another and give a hint if you want to, and your giant does the same to his giant and it's super fun), and I get lolipops!
Yay!
I love lolipops! They are way better than gums and those hard candies, it's also quiet satisfying, and sweet! I spend about 10-20 minutes on sucking it, and I don't have to eat.
It's even making me happier.


FUCK MY MOTHER.
SERIOUSLY.
She's yelling at me when I say that I don't care about bullshit she's talking about!
I DON'T FUCKING CARE, AND WHEN YOU DON'T CARE I'M PUNISHED FOR TALKING, BUT WHEN I DON'T I'M PUNISHED FOR HAVING MY OWN THOUGHTS.
Who cares?
Right now I'm on survival mode, before I'd fucking crash, or die from being stressed.
I don't have enough time.
I have to waste my breaks to complete my homework so I'll save time for posting (you see how much I care about this beautiful place?), I try my hardest to please people, but guess what? It's way harder when you don't know even where will you be sleeping the night and when, I live without knowing what I'm about to do next hour!

I just want to make the time go fast, I can't stand it any longer!
For amusement and passing time, I write ways to die, and it's actaully making me more creative, I have about 40 something ways, the first ones are what you see in the news, I made some for "animal lovers".
Dancing with a bear with bacon boxers...
Fuck a hungry tiger (I wonder how it will end, actually).
Watch Twilight.... In some point you'll die. (I made it also with Kesha's songs).
Bleed to death from a knfe in the guts. (It was a thing in Japan if you was humliated and brought shame to the family).


I just have no fucking body to trust, and people expect me to smile, when the one that I actually care about is acting strangely, and I don't get enough sleep or food or chocolate, I just find myself wanting to die, and read arcticles.


By the way, did you knew that in the peaceful lands research, about who is the calmest, we were the fourth place... From the end.
And I'm not surprised, maybe towards the outside of us with another countries we would be in a better ranking, but in the inside, it's what people call a brothers war.


Do you know those underaged people who act like that grape juice was some alcohol or something?
They take a loud sip, then they make some weird gasping which is loud as well, and a bonus "Strong" with some faking a smoker voice after 5 packs a day for fourty years.
I like to laugh about it, and about their fellow hoes, which chewing gum like a fucking cow, and meanwhile talk and shout at the same time, and walk like duck that matches their lip surgery that make their face look like a duck too....

What can I say?
I understand the guy better.

And that guy, I don't know his name, but I know many because my grandma used to be for him in the school she worked for.
This guy used to be a coward, and a bad drawer, when he was eight, when all the dudes played soccer, she let him to draw in her house, and he drew like we used to draw and now we think "How could we think it's pretty?!" things.
Then, when he grew up, he became a tattoo artist (pretty much the complete opposite), and in America.
After a long while, when he had a family, he wanted to move back to  Israel (as expected from everybody who move somewhere for his life when he spent his childhood in Israel), and he was shocked, the culture in here was awful, well, I'm not surprised when every second guy ask to wear Hai on his chest (it something in the sippers and gum cows tradition) and every second girl asks for meaningless Chineese symbol on her back.
So he moved back to America.


I think that those people (hoe-cows and Hai-sippers) are pretty much in the top 5 kind of people that are the most misunderstood.
Seriously.
How do you expect huamns with hygeine and style of a fucking monkey (sometimes hairy as well), to be like normal considered humans?


Have I mentioned that I'm actaually good at moral songs?
I made one for some bitch birthday, and all the girls remember it (though it was about 4 years), and it was 10 cm less.
So, I made another one.
Just that this one is fucking awful.
Do you know those annoting moral songs like 100 milk bottles and whatever?
We have this song with apples on tree and then they fall and explode.
I just changed one word, and it changed the whole meaning.
100 Shahidis on the tree on fell and exploded.
It rhymes in Hebrw, but got awful meaning in every language.


My sister and I now digging Spore.
You have no idea how much will love to kill aliens.
I made a mini game, it's called don't drop the alien, and it's the best with sounds.
You go to a planet (doesn't really matter where) with animals (you can see it when you go to a planet and in the map thingy press that globe button and look for herbivores or carnivores omnivores), then you take the abduct tool, and take one, make sure you put it in the middle of nowhere but that it can live there, and then, the game is starterd, you abduct and stop, then when it's screaming in the air (it's the fun part, when he's yelling for help, I think that the sloth looking creature got the funniest screaming), you use the abaduct again and throw it, and over and over, until it dies.
It's better than throwing babies in the air, don't you think?


Wow, even he can be so stupid?
Seriously, Jewish religous people aren't scared to death from love.
They do feel love.
But, they don't express it like us, so yes, they say I love you, and if sex, it's for babies (what's the fun of the same boring position each time, I'll never get it), and it's rare when they actually do a thing.
We, the people who don't give a single fuck about what we should or shouldn't do with love, probably doing it in different ways, but there is no fucking way I'll describe sex (not now, for sure), the closest thing to describing something like that, is that the narroator in the puberty video they brought us in the 6th grade (we already knew all the story since the second grade, so it didn't matter), and when she said what's masturabating, she still had that serious voice, but when she said handjob/blowjob/however you call it in your slang she had that giggle of "I just read handjob to a video that shows how they do it"

Well I'm done. 

Tomorrow I have genius school (yay!) and on four I have a practice (not yay!) and around six I have a guitar lesson (half yay!) and just imagine me barreling against the autocorrect trying to say gay instead of yay. 

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it. 

Singing

I'm under attack in that routine, I have no time, I'm always tired, I  can't even relax my muscles, it means that I got a chance to tear my muscles apart, so yeah, fuck.
I just feel like I'm dying.
Actually, not dying, not even close.
I felt like falling.
But not just falling simply as that.
I was falling in no time, no place, I wasn't moving, but I was just hovering, and falling.

I should stop falling, but you can't stand strong, when you can't stand at all.
I have no idea about a thing.
Any minute I'm awake, I barely hear, move, talk, I'm frozen, trying to save energy.
I'm confused, I just can't hold it together.
I'm not going the way I used to, I'm not sure what it is, but I know there is something.

I'm so fucking glad I'm not there in the "One Direction hoes" class.
Seriously.
It's probably one of the things that are over the top, that I don't find something great enough, I don't want to hug them, you know... They don't deserve my hugging world wide appriciation tour (I forgot it's name, but it will be full with me appriciating people, letting them know, that they changed something, and they fucking meant for me, they created me and my strength more than everybody else.
When I had the sport thing (I just hate jumping, I can't do that air leg switch or air walk without few steps of nice momentum), the others could choose, so, guess what most girls picked?
Make up...
It's not even those cool make ups in those movies or like of those kids on youtube (I loved the zombie thing that they used tissues, it was fucking awesome, and once my dad made me some and it was funny, when my New Yorker cousin asked him how to do that thing with the knife, and how to know you went too deep, my dad said that you need to cut and that put the blood but if you did it too deep the blood will come before, or something), it's just those ugly normal make ups, like for events, or circus, and thing.
Now I'll explain how it's related to One Direction, and that army of pink-purples screaming girls (it's much worse then what you can imagine).

*Sorry, that dude in the TV actually explained how music saved his life, he used to be in the world of just getting worse, and you know it won't ever end good, and after he got expelled from many schools, he got into one for kids that just can't sit and study, and it make sense, even in our genuis school it's much more interesting because you are actually a part and you are considered to be like every one else, well, his music teacher told him to leave that weird thingy that people just slam and say "done", she told him to take the guitar, and guess what? he sings beautifuly, plays the guitar, and his hair looked good and not weird like the other people with the exact same haircut*

They all had some spirals in pink from the corner of the eye, and on their wrists (prepare yourself for my expolosion), One Direction with hearts (most of them were fucking ugly, but one looked actually nice, and it couldn't look that good with other words, or names), and name, and guys...
Oh no...
If somebody will ever touch my arm somewhere differently from my shoulder area or my hand, he will get hurt, depends on the person how badly.
Nobody should touch those places, I'm sorry, so does nobody should touch my calf, or my collar bones, those are those places you just, don't touch.
And what can I say, you simply can't do such a thing.
You just don't write on your skin unless it's to remind yourself something, or it's a weird tattoo (I have seen some weird ones online before), you won't see a tattoo on my body saying something stupid.
I won't write band names on my back, arm, leg, ass, head, and other body parts.
I won't even have that make up tattoos, I just rather to have the option to change it everyday.


Oh, he sings high!
Which reminds me...


Do you remember that guy from X factor?
He was very pale, with black hair (and actually, I don't think I have seen somebody looking in his style before, and looking that good), he wore black shirt or someting, or white, I'm not sure, but he had skinny or stretch red jeans and the upped area looked baggy.
And his voice singing skyscraper.
I'm sorry, I couldn't hold it.
But it wasn't the first time I saw a young man talking/singing/using his voice in such a high voice, the Beauty and the Geek had one, he's name is Victor (I don't think that Victors are appriciated enough, I know him, and the ballroom dance teacher, with the hat, and the beard, and the weird style that still made him look stylish), and it was incredible, I got used to it in no time, but it was funny at the first episode.

And another X factor thing.
I thought that having neighbors that play drums or stuff will be nice and cool and stuff.
Well...
No.
But I would like to have neighbors around my age because people aorund 60 aren't quite young.
So, we watched it, and as a girl started to sing.
Our "VERY KIND" neighbor started to just fucking kill that drums, even Bessie wasn't so loud, and my sister and  I just bursted laughing, because it was so annoying and so timed.



I really hate tall people, I'm just so short!
I'll stay that way and I won't catch more much.
Luckily I will wear heels, and stuff.

I will never understand Leonardo De Vinci, if he's the one who drew the Mona Lisa (I'm not good at remembering names), but that guy also drew some kind of Jesus, and sweethearts, it was probably a thing that will hunt me forever, looking with that face that can say "I just killed somebody" or something.

I would love to get some more sleep time.
I don't find 7- hours appopriate including the fact that I'm not waking up natrually.


Oh that song...
Wow, it's the song that I heard each time when I called my best friend, Daniel.
And I knew that song chours only from that calls.
Weird, right?


People used to tell me that I have a sense for music.
No.
I can tell you that the mosst I know is where to get, to notice when I'm wrong (most of time), and to tell to people shut the fuck up when they sing annoyingly.

And a message for all the great singers:
That's that you sing good, doesn't mean that you have to make a song, it means that you first need something to talk about, if you want to have a song to sing, make a cover.
I'm really sick of those people that only because that they can sing good, they think they need to write a song, it just too stupid to be real.
It's super stupid.
Not normal stupid.


Well, it's a post I'm finally doing, so bye for now.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.