I officially...

"I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim"
Well, can I tell you something?
There are two ways to kill demons, burning them, and drowning them.
So yes, that worm looking demon that got into Nick's body, it died, but so did Nick, but it's better than burning him, because he had chance of staying alive with drowning, but not much with fire.
People should understand that demons can not swim.
They drown, they always drown.
Those stupid evil worms will make you miserable, and will destroy all your surrondings with their evil super powers.

Well, unless you are getting some weird spell on you, that will make you look insane, like a frozen 40 year old, that won't sleep, eat, or anything, but when they will come back from their hell, they will suffer, destroy an attmept to murder you and you evil dark powers because that John Blackwell fucked your mother and ran away, and will have one night stand with her friend, which is terribly wrong and evil, and getting your hands full of blood for the magic, and your hands will have an evil black power blackwell tattoo.

Oh Mike....
Why?
Well, Mike wore some weird jacket, I don't know if it's leather, or those motorbike coats, but it got those dinosaur spikes on the back, that is kind of matching his mohawk hair.
But that 13 year old child that Mike is making him the weird thingy, well, his hair...
Why?

Many people don't understand that short hair is not working for anybody, and same with long.
No matter what are you doing, hair care, and skin care, and health care are important.
Seriously, you are fucking thirteen!
Don't you put the stupid 50 gallons of hair gel just to put it spikey in the edge?
It's pretty much what every guy that have hair is doing, if he's not keeping it pretty and long.
I know four guys with good looking long hair (I don't mean girls long, but I mean for guys long), and another guy whose hair... Well, just no.
Only one of them is nice, the rest.....
Well, they are slightly more bitchy.
In the three of the rude part, well I can easily rank them, hair, and behavior.

It's only have one bad part....
Which is the fact that if the hair looks alike, I'd probably get confused easily, because Ii'm bad with names, and remembering people.
So yes, if your hair is special, or just different, I'd probably become your friend easily, because I'll know your name, and could call you out in every occasion.


I should go to a support group, of those people with obssesions that don't really want to let go of, but let others know as well.
I'm obssesed with Anorexics mostly, Bulimics less, and I don't mind with self harm, just to scare me a bit more, only for the fun, and Judaism, and cults as well, because lately, I can't tell the difference, it's all the same.

Each night I have dreams, or nightmares, it became impossible to describe.
In my dreams, I'm the friend of my devil, my creator, my destroyer, yes, her, MB.
The one who took me off my ground, to a better place, then kicked me out of heaven.
I know that each night I have bad sleeping.
Every dream like that is making my sleeping go worse.
I'm afriad to fall asleep tonight.
It's like my life is passing in my head throught the night, and I'm terrified.
There is always a feeling of pain.
I can't describe, but it feels like the pain that you can't feel, you know it hurts, you react as it hurt you the same, but you don't feel it, not a single evidance that it ever happened.
And everything is going so fast, and so slow in the same time, so weird, I get dizzy, it feels like drowning in your own dream.

I don't know.
I'm confused.
And I'm full of fear, anger, sorrow, but mostly hormones.
And I'm trying to do things I can't, proving myself I'm better... from myself...
I try my hardest, and still fail.
So yes! Don't try to fucking expect me to get good grades, have social life, and stay alive in the same time without being a fucking target for myself.
You don't have a fucking idea what it's like to not want to be in those stupid holidays, or to be one of the black children, or to miss a day weekly, and go to a therapist you hate, and so many things!
And guess what?
I'm not ready!
It's not the way I planned it, because right now I'm not an eternal sixteen year old white girl with long light brown-blond hair, and I'm not rich enough to go to the mall all the time, am I?!
I can't sleep at nights like a person, I can't stop thinking about terrible things, I just count the days to leave the damn place! Because I'm fucking sick of hiding!
And I'm sick of all those cellphone check-ups, or the physical ones, because guess what?
I do want to harm my body, because I constantly feel like I deserve it, so instead I slam on myself insults and get frustrated when it doesn't effect me at fucking all! But I don't want this punishment called "therapy" because that shit is just not working!
You suck the last drops of life from me, making me want to die.
And I try to convince myself that my life is worth living, because it's only few more years, and I'm out!
I can't do those struggling against myself.
Against them.
Against her...
Look, I'm just willing right now to go and grab my small tiny razor, and make cuts, small ones, the ones that looks exactly like tiny scratces, all over my body, and then to scream until I can't feel anymore.
And I can't explain it, but this is what I want to do.
That's what I can't wait to do.
To scream, and bleed, and be humiliated by my own damn self.

And this is me.
Just going to be a fuckign stupid teen that will have to amuse herself with dark humor jokes, that will probably hurt everybody I know in some ways.

I know it sounds awful what I want to do to myself now...
But that weird thing in my head tells me to do it, and another one tells me to stop, and I just freeze in front of this screen, afraid.
I want it, hundreds of scars on my body.
Why?
Because I deserve it.
I deserve all the hate in the world.
And here I am.
Crying.
Because I know it's true.

I know I don't want to live anymore, because slowly my life came meaningless to me.
And it's not what I wanted to happen.

Why am I crying?!
I'm so stupid!
I deserve it all.
I deserve to suffer.
I deserve to bleed, I deserve to feel all the pain as possible.
I really need to die.


That's it people.
I officially hate my self.



...



What's wrong with me!
I'm such a disgusting monster!
I wish I could make it stop.
Make it all stop.


....



I'm better now, some time past, I continued with my digital painting.
I'm not good at all with the hair, I need to practice, but my skin is getting a bit better!
Well, drawing is better for me.


Good night, I hope I'll sleep tonight!

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.