So long!

Wait, what?
Saudi Arabia is reading me!
That's so fucking awesome!
I only see word, TENDEM, this is the thing when people help you with a new language you learn, and you do the same for them!
So, I'm offering myself as English and Hebrew, and you can offer yourself mostly for me for Arabic, because the numbers and I, well, not such a good relationship, it all look the same!
Well, if I could spell now marhaba, I would, and will do it with the letters, but I can't because I haven't learned M and H (well, you know what I mean with H, the letter that comes from the throat), so I can't.

I just finished Jackass 2, and these are my heroes, this is so fucking icredible, when they dressed up as a terrorist, and the taxi driver just tried to kill him, and he wan an actor, and this is so awesome!
And I continued a bit with this movie Down to Earth.
It took me a while to wonder why that fourteen year old boy had a bullet in his head.
When  I got it, I was sad.
So what if it didn't happen, but somewhere right now, it might be the case, and maybe everybody around is worried, or that only somebody will find the body, already rotten.
Well, at least he got what he wanted... I guess...

And now for something more obvious.
Miss, I think you forgot that there is a still breathing monster you created and tried to destroy, and you keep stomping over it, with a fucking spikes shoe!
So yes, this monster, she sees what you are doing, and for you happiness, nobody can see it, because nobody understands it.
Oh, I should crawl into a whiny ball because I'm nothing compared to you and your vicous pleasure, death is fun, and killing a monster is even better.
Should I clap? Because your acting is wonderful, this game you are bothering to play so well, making me senseless, and this is incredible, applause for your highness, killer.
She knows that such an immortal perfect monster is deathproof, but you can easily hurt her, defeating is harder, but she comes back after a while.
A marionette for you, you just pull a thread, and here I am, following your plan, you cut a thread, and my head is out of control, here I am, leaded by you, wishing it will all go.
But it won't.
Because it's you that created this monster.
You putted her to be special, and afterwards, threw her off like your other ragdolls, and that weird thing?
That not like the other monster, she's not like the others, you made this special mistake, by cutting her head thread, she thinks by herself, and willing to fight.
It's a battleground, creation versus creator.
This match's ending is obvious, known from beginning, creatures will always lose to their creators.
And, since to that little fuck up, she will still want to fight, kill, destroy, to never stop until she sees all the blood, pouring out.
It eats her up from the inside, she can't fight, but she wants it so bad.
She knows there is one person that she can fight against, and this person won't say a word.

Herself.


I'm sorry, it supposed to start as a real thing to complain about, but I don't know how, everything happened so fast, and I got sucked into that story.


Is it weird that I feel comfortable only with T shirts and leggings?
Or a hoodie with leggings?
I just feel uncomfortable wearing something else, I feel ugly, disgusting, freakish creature, a disaster.
This is so annoying, I wish I could lose weight with doing nothing, but life is not a dream, and that's it, I'm going a high calorie bingey monster because I'm out of green apples!
What am I supposed to do without my apples?!
I have nothing to eat!
Well, here it goes, for ice cream or some sort of this junk.
This is the holdiay of nothingness!



I WAS RIGHT!
It was Close To Me when the disco ball came down!
I really like that movie Accepted!
That's pretty much all I think that what school is and what's school should be like in one great movie.

...


I watch now detention.
And there is so much blood.
Starting with that gothic calustrophobic (it means that she's afraid of santa claus, as patrick knows) girl, that slept in a coffin for a while, and we all know, that the trendy sleeping coffin for teens must have speakers in, if you saw that movie I'm talking about.
And that drama rich slutty girl and her insides... oh... this is pretty much awful...
And that frantic killer, and then the other girl is killing him, and on the same time, another boy dies (I think he dies) when he have a dream that some boy is telling him something about cutting his wrists, and then he wakes up, to see he's fine, and the teacher is there, and then he wakes up again! and then his wrists are bleeding, and he dies.
Well, I'm like that boy, just that for me it actually happens in a dream, but I don't wake up for the second time, and discover it actually happened...
And Gaberial!
Why all the evil people/spirits have a need to kill, even if it's not the origianls, so yeah, let's make it a family tradition, I killed him, my father killed him, and now it's your turn to kill him, there you go son *handeling a fifteen year old weapons and ghostbusters equipment*, this is really weird.

Now that I finished it, I'm quite dissapointed.
Because all throught that movie, the digital fire effects, clearly looked fake, like, come on, you can do better than that!


...


Why am I doing this to myself?
Destroying myself...
I know that this song is breaking my heart, making me feel like the worst being alive.
Great...
Like some anorexics have their special Ana girl, I got mine, some weird duplicate of myself, hating myself, punishing me, pushing me over the edge each time.
Fucking great...
I'm such a monster...


I fucking hate my self esteem.
I want it lowest as possible, be a fucking doormat, that won't show that it's caring for what you said, but afterwards will be miserable!
I hate me.
And it doesn't effect me!
I'm trying to do everything!
Why can't I be that kind of a girl that will over react and grow some mental problems that will forever scar her soul and will make her body change as well?
Why can't I be her?!

Well, all I need is to get hit by enough insults, until I'll break, and will be ready.
I want words to effect!
I want to crash!
I want to feel the pain each time somebody calling you "FAT", I want that the whole wold will call you fat!
I'm talking to myself, about hating myself.

What's the matter with me?!


...



Okay, Watermelon Man sounds much better with background insturments, and without a fucking saxsophone in your ears!
Well, it changes pretty much everything.

...


Today, in the morning, I woke up to the thought that I know somebody cares, somebody who understands, somebody that can actually make me smile, and will make me happy, and this person, is probably the one I'll never leave, he's perfect, and people often can't see his inside.
This boy is Yuval.
And his pretty much a legend, at least, for me.
Because, I just saw everything he passed through, I know what he lives with, and I know what he can do.
He can save a life.
He can write endlessly his feelings out.
From poems about pain or love or hate, to stories about dark passions, and hopes.
This is incredible to just stay awake and watch the prettiest poems.
Not of people who graduated literture degree or is a professional author, it's an idea from a fresh mind, a free spirit.
And, though it might seem quite depressing.
It's not.
He's not.
He's one of the happiest kids in the world to me.
He gets me.
He cares.

And the day got better, with enjoying with Shani in the practice.


So let me tell you, that yesterday, we talked about his favorite fandom.
The Hunger Games, he's pretty famous in the community of Israeli Hungers.
And we talked we should all go to the movie together.
We had hard time setting a time, because, well, it's hard.
And he told me something unacceptable!
Keren went with her friend to the movie without me!
She promised!
And she lied... as expected.
But he, they asked him if he wants to join, and though it's his favorite fandom, he said that he will watch it with me! And so did Daniel! This is so much fun!
I really missed Daniel, the last movie I watched with him was on the second grade, and it was spiderwick, or however it spelled.
...

Fuck! I'm getting better, I don't want to get better!

Why can't I just be broken.
Why am I doing this to myself?!
I don't want it to happen!
If I'll keep going, I'll lose the ability to feel.
I'll be a fool, like I used to be.
I'll die again from the inside.
And I don't want to be recovered.
Because crashing doesn't hurt less the seventh time, nor the sixth, fifth, fourth, third, and second.

I feel like I'm going to die from a heartbreak when I hear You Found Me of The Fray.
The first time I heard that song, was on an anorexic girl recovevry video.
And I'm slowly dying when I'm just not letting myself cry.
This is not only to avoid feelings, it's also a thing of control.
I must control something, dominate it.

...

I wonder if I'll ever find people wanting to do the same as me.
Well, it just makes me to hope that you are in my age range, and willing to let people do what they really want and interested in, because how can you say you are living when your life is a complete borderom and anixety or sortly, a depressing time you are going to survive through.

So yes, I dream to be incredible.
And enjoy because, the clock is ticking (tick tock this is a clock -had to do this!) and who knows how much time I got?
 And until then, let me go out, live my life, and have better kids, because this is not a life.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.