Binger

I regret eating the whole cup.
My eyes and mouth aren't used to eat so little and still be satisfied.
But, all I are today by now, is green tea (I have to admit I'm still a bit afraid, but you'd understand as well when you'll see my second degree burn on chin, now I look like a man with a beard), and for school I didn't ate, and I considered to eat before sports, but I wrote myself that I won't (it's another step to high self control), and I didn't.
You have no idea how wear I felt, and how awful my headaches were, I was shaking, but I told my body that he should suck it up (my body is a he, every body part is he for me, probably because of that in hebrew, most of body parts are a he).
Crap.
Why crap?
Because now My Chemical Romance started ,I do it the artist>album, and as far as I understand, it will take me some time to finish it, and now, for the next few days, all the song will be stuck in my head.
I hate when they get stuck in my head.
The only good cure is to listen to them all completly without many distraction, and remember the lyrics.

Well, I don't care that I didn't have literture today, but I'm excited for what we will learn after the ballads, which are something that I hate to play on the guitar, because I'm slow and it make my thumb and that bone in the wrist to hurt as fuck, yes indeed the Romances.
It will be awesome.
Since we barely learn things that I like and know a bit, it will make literture much more fun!
I like math because of the same reasons, we learnt about the x y thingy, as far as I know it's called The coordinate plane.
Which is super duper easy metrial for me!
Since I learned it while making and positioning objects on Shenkar, I learned it also with z, for the 3d, we need three dimensions, x is which line, y is which column (x and y are on the "flat", and had no height, they were able to see from an angle, but not from the the side), and z was the height.


...

It's fucking annoying.
I wrote diet peach.
And no.
She brought the normal ones.
Instead of 55 calaorie yogurt.
It's 155 yogurt!
I didn't want 155!
It's a whole meal!
What am I supposed to do now?!

A thursday lunch with two breadsticks (home made), so for the practice I won't be full?
Well, without breadsticks.
But now it's tripled the calories.
And it's not fair!
Well, I might eat it for breakfast or something on Saturday.

...

I'm so fucking fat!
I ate a yogurt!
And it didn't satisfy me!
So  I ate two cucmbers with a spoon of hummos.

Now on the notebook I'm writing that cucmbers with hummos are super satisfying!

....

I binged again because my mother was in the room.
And I burned only 35 calories!
THAT'S FUCKING NOTHING.
I hate myself.
I know what I need.
But how I'll manage to hide it?
I'll have to think smart.
I'm talking about the obvious, ultimate reliver.
If I'd feel like eating.
One cut, and that's it.
No more food.
I have to.
If I won't.
I won't be able to thank myself later.
I want to die.
Since tomorrow it's a fast, I'm planning to make my "meals" menu.
Wake up: few good minutes of jogging in place for a movie time (gladly, movies and food shows are the only thing I watch, and sometimes I watch those cool shows that are never aired regularly).
Morning: wild berry tea.
Lunch: some kind of a tea in the thermus.
Afternoon: doing the fat burning cardio from YouTube.
Snack and dinner: coke zero, frozen.
Shower: 200 crunches (because today it's 180)

I'm not allowed to eat more.
If I would, well, punishment.

I want to die.

They say binge eating comes from stress?
I don't feel stressed.
Maybe  I am but I got used to it?
Is it possible?
People say meditation works.
But I don't have time for those silly things.
The clock is ticking and I'm getting fatter and older.
At least let me one thing take back in time.
Weight.

...

Okay. 

Pain is actually the only answer. 

Today, when I took off most of the burnt skin, I had to moisturize my face, so when I applied the lotion on my exposed combination of flesh and new thin layer of skin, it felt like it was burning, and intoxicating feeling went all over me. 

Suddenly, I felt the lightest person in the world, my head wasn't heavy from planning, it's was light as a feather. 

Well, hello wonderful addictive pain, we meet again...

...

Remember the colors?

Well, two days ago (Sunday), in educators hour, our teacher put stickers on our foreheads, everybody else could see it, but we, ourselves couldn't. 

So, she explained, the yellow stickers are the ones you don't want to be with, they are the worst, you don't want them in your team, the green ones are fine, they're not the best and not the worst, and the white ones, the white ones are the best, you want them in your team!

Afterwards, she told us to create groups.  

To team up. 

The yellow ones never got a person, and were rejected. 

The green ones as well, rarely they had somebody to be with. 

And the white ones, a large perfect group. 

She explained it, with how it relates to teens, and junior high, with popularity. 

In the game I was yellow. 

In real life?

I could say I'm different in every situation or place. 

Most of time I'll be yellowing myself, because it's dangerous as fuck to go white, I was a white, and we all know how it ended, so I'm trying to stay away. 

And I can be green sometimes. 

And I get white with strangers. 

I easily meet people and befriend. 

It's pretty good because I can meet new people, and have somebody to e with during vacations!

Another reason to be thin:

So I could attract people, so I won't be alone. 

I did today 180 crunches. 

It's really fun to just lie down afterwards on your back, and inhale and exhale, and you see how slim you are in that position. 

It's not that I don't see any change. 

I do!

It's the slightest ones, but it means the world to me. 

I'm a bit afraid with the fasting tomorrow. 

I'm not going to lie. 

I might break in the middle, hopefully, the breaker won't be me causing it. 

But on Thursdays, it's an easy fast. 

So does Sundays. 

Because then people don't see me coming home and "eating", fuck!

I have a brilliant idea!

Thursdays- after ram, I'll do sports, stop when parents come home, and go to sport practice!

Somebody please give me a decent applause!

....

So my school is a basically territory of anorexia. 

Starting from those figures on the wall (Barbie looking ones) and ending in the English book that our school created, about models that aren't eating much so they won't get fat!

This is works nicely for me. 

It makes me remember what people shoul eat. 

Because look at me. 

My body had constan binges at 2000 and something, and with 300-400 the binges are smaller. 

And I see difference. 

I should go for greens. 

I love greens!

Green and brown. 

Brown is for chicken breast. 

And tomatoes, because they have some sort of a vitamin that just helps the skin grow faster and healthier!

I like veggies. 

And some fruits, like watermelons, and mangoes (though they are fatty, so eat less), but like, berries, and peaches (peaches are so fucking great), and pears, and pretty much everything. 

Except from bananas. 

Bananas taste like shit. 

Even their texture just feels like vomit. 

I like dates better. 

I want to make a date spread, it will look like poop, or chocolate.

And I can eat it because dates are simply filling you up. 

...

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.