New Year

My scones are so delicous!
But one problem with it.
They will cause a binge.

I almost had binges today.
I'm so proud of myself for not having them!
I took mine with a tsp of honey.
It's something I won't recommend to anybody, unless they have enough self control.
Not something I will give to BED fighters.

But I did something bad today.
I'm ashamed of it.
I ate 717 calories so far!
I feel like shit!
AND I ATE 1/2 OF MINI GLUTEN FREE CHOCOLATE SUGARY THING.
I'm awful.
I feel like I destroyed everything.
My sister opened it and I had to try it to know if I'd like it.
I partly did.
At least in the morning I jogged for 35 minutes.
I need to jog some now.
I feel like an abbertion.

But I know how to make it better.
Jog for 30-40 minutes.
It will bring me to net of under 300, which is great!
Then I'd be able to eat 500ish snacks.
Will include dinner and my tv show food, to not worry my mother.
I'll eat yogurt berry ice cream (tomorrow it's the chocolate banana one!), and the rest of my fruit salad (I considered it all alreay earlier).
And with the last piece of my incredible scone!
I guess it wasn't that bad.

But I learned few recipes today!
Like flat bread or tortillas.
In the moment I'll make them, I'll use them as blinches and put some juicy fruit.
Or as a meat wrap (super yum and cheap!), with chicken breast and tomatoes and lettuce and pickles and tomato sauce.
OR AS PIZZA.
Endless choices!
Even with hummus and eggs!
Brilliant recipe.

I can share it with you.
But not yet.
When I'll make it you'll know it.

I feel full.
Note to self:
Cous cous is filling enough, all needed is something slightly wet with it, sauce or salad, even oil with something delicous.

I shouldn't eat the chocolate thing.

And the chicken & the cous cous.
They are seperate.
Well.
You cannot turn back the time.
You can only learn and make an error to an answer for the unasked question!
I like it better.
Because you didn't failed if you understood something was wrong.
You did even better if you found the problem.

...


Today, I got 72 on history.
I know I shouldn't be surprised, after all, I miss a lesson every week, and it's about  Jesus, and how the fuck am I supposed to care about what he said, like yeah, he was pretty smart, and understood differently the rights and wrongs, but I was a  bit dissapointed.
Like, really?
It doesn't matter that I don't care about the test.
But I do care about the final grades, the ones that will make the highschool want me!
I know I'm just a seventh grader, and I got time, but I'm still the seventh grader who self harmed, that reads eating disorders websites, and watches constantly about mental disorders reaserches on TV.
I find it terrifying to know somebody with BDD.
Body Dismorphyc Disorder.
For all the hypochondreics here.
IF YOU ARE TEENS IT'S NOT NECCESSARY  IT, EVERYBODY FEELS IT SLIGHTLY, BUT WHEN IT GOES TO THE WAYS WHERE YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE SAVED ONLY BY THEMSELVES AND PILLS, IT IS IT.
This is a disease, that makes you find a terrible fuck-up, or invent one, and your whole life you are stressed because of it, an endless paranoya, being afraid that people will look at it.

....


I can smell it.
The smell of a breaking family.
It's how I'll describe the taste of grief, emptiness, but with a bit of sweet and a bit of sour, like a pineapple.
It's very sweet, but very sour, making your tongue to twitch a bit in contact, and it's burning a bit of your tongue, pain and pleasure.

I don't know why am I still feeling a little happy.
Why just a little?
I feel sad, and slightly empty, hollow, but with it, what I wanted is happening.

I don't know how to describe it.

But it doesn't matter.
Today I failed at the eating.
CRAP.
I need to get my prioreties straight.
First is future.
It includes looks, joy, brains.
Then there's everything else.
First the important things.

I hate myself.
No food tomorrow.
One vegtable.
I'm going to make the foods.
Barely eat.
And on the afternoon I'll jog as much as possible (because tomorrow morning I have a 600 meter run).
I have to.
I'm failing where I shouldn't.
No more fats.
Tomorrow no chocolate.
Tomorrow no excesive food.
It's a foolish mistake.

I feel like an error.
And the worst?
I know what causes it.
And I won't give myself the cure.

I found it.

I know it even from trying it.
screaming into a pillow.
I feel that there are infinite number of reasons that I've done it.
cold shower.
Freezing.
I want it.
I can't manage to work this way.

My way to calm down is to make food.
And I'm not allowed to do it often.
So, the fact that you don't let me make and be productive, makes me want to die.
Wow!
Thanks mother!
You just made me even more miserable!

....

I want to die.
Do you know that feeling, where you close your eyes, long enough, and you know that there are tears in your throat, dying to get out, and you get chills on your back because you know you can't do it anymore.
So you try to cry.
But not even a single tear comes out.
Do you know it?
I wish you didn't if you do.

Tomorrow I'm going to make a 120 run.
A whole movie run!
Yup!
Well, I know that it's enjoyable.
Making me not to eat for two hours.
And I'll do it like that:
School, homework, making food, eating a bit, going to room, running, computer shit, stuff and so until about six, dinner, computer shit, and before shower the split stretches, shower, crunches, in bed, finish post, sleep.

I feel like a failure.
Today was a shitty day.

But a bad day is not a bad week.
And a bad week is not a bad month.
And a bad month is not a bad year.
And a bad year is not a bad decade.
And a bad decade is not a bad a bad century.
And a bad century is not a bad millenium.
Shortly, one fuck up is not the end of the world as we know it!
But It's not good.
I feel like I'm a complete failure.


....

There's a page, few girls are trying to make 2014 binge free.
I'm joining.
I have to!
And tomorrow we start.

I remember last year.
The pain of failing with your friend.
When I still had her...

I miss her.

I'm going to get her this year.

....


Crap I feel the food still sitting in my stomach.
Mixing with it's own juices.
Gross.


....


At least I done a bit of crunches.
Tomorrow will be a new year.

Good luck then.


Happy new year.


Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.