Balance?

This is joy.
Because this is what I call balance.
I burn calories and eat enough to survive.

I ate around 800 calories today.
It's a lot.
I know.
But I burnt around 700 calories.

I listened to myself.
I told yes to myself when I said no to outside body metrialistic lies with urge for food.
I'm full now.
I almost tasted the banana ice cream I made.
Tomorrow is the amount of fruits that I want.
I think I'd enjoy tomorrow from a no breakfast (like always, but it's good for me, so I won't be in complete pain), and school meal will be the most fantastic enjoyable one.
HOME MADE SIMPLE SCONE.
I'd eat it with honey.
It will be cut into three, and I'll eat it like that:
1 pre-practice
1 post-practice
And one for my open time (if I'd be hugry midday, or want something afternoon!)

At home I'd enjoy a bit of couscous with chicken breast.
For mid day snack I'll eat the third scone piece, right before I go on for that guy's place for that stupid literture project.
Fucking stupid ballads!
And for dinner, probably mushroom salad if there will be left some and with it a fruit or something if I'd still be hungry.
I like planning.
It makes me to actually listen to myself.
I'm now walking to my room so I will be able to write it.

In my book.
Obviously.


I feel too full.
It's good and bad.
It's good because I won't eat anymore.
But it's bad, I feel heavy, and disgusting.
Note to self:
Dinner won't be eaten at any cost after 5:45.
And if thinking about it:
No breakfast before 9:30.


.....


WHAT'S WORNG WITH YOU FUCKING COMMERCIAL EDITORS?!
WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LIKE TO GO TO A DJ'S CONCERT IF YOU ALMOST GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!


I found another reason to lose weight!
I'm going to write it in that book.
Reason number 1# to be thin:
So when I'll be fifteen, I'd be able to go outside at my sister's Bat Mitzvah, and will be able to meet foreign guys and girls my age.

I always underestmate the acoustic versions of everything.
It always sounds like the purest part of music.
It sounds less edited.
I will prefer with the original instrumetns (I don't know if the beatles did acoustic versions, but in some songs they inserted foriegn instruments to their music, so taking them off and leaving one or two will destroy it all).
Like, I don't know what each one played, but if you record each one seperatley, or alltogether.
Cut off the voice editing/note editing (it feels more alive when there are mistakes and breathing, and all the other things that human do), and let it be published in a very limited edition.
Make it a huge thing.
Have a weird party with a themed vip party -depends on the genre mostly-,and a super vip room.
Like there's a carpet in the entry, the wall is patterened with sponseres, names, signatures of guests and alike.
Then, entering, lights, white and black and some metallic looking color to break the boredrom.
There's a bar, clothed for the genre.
Then, stairs with a bouncer.
From there, a nice large room.
Private bar.
The most important room is there.
The party makers, their workers, a bartender, their friends and different important people, like celebrities from all kind of places.
There's a huge sofa there, with bed endings on each side.
Few couches.
The floor have a double glazed super strong window to the party downstairs.
There's a tv, speakers, instruments, microphones, wardrobes, all the shit for a decent sweet sixteen stuff on MTV.

I should be giving those tips one day.

Party hosting 101 for the rich and famous.


....

I want to get it.
And I'm planning to get it.
The difference from now and from the last ones are that I'm actually saying no to binges, saying no to overeating, excrisising, and now I'm thinking differently, as well eating.
I'm not my year old self.

I checked up what happened after I'm Not Hungry.
It's something with weird deformation of the word 'party'.
I self harmed.
Funny, there I was surprised how fast my cuts healed (of course they did, I barely cut, it was more like skin unattached.
Now I noticed with my weird possesed scratches one, it looks weird.
Like, there's my skin, there's a weird pink flesh colored skin, and few weird looking white ones inside.


I guess I was meant to be that teen.
We all know statics.
1 out of xxx kids self harmed.
1 out of xxx kids starved himself.
1 out of xxx did yyy.
I'm the one of the xyz.

I want to lose weight from another reason.
I see it on Sundays Mondays and Wednessdays, and occasionaly on the rest of the school days.
There's a girl named Tamara.
SHE'S FUCKING FAT.
I don't know why, but I'm hundred recent sure that our bodies look the same.
The same jiggly fat thighs.
EW.
The same thighs I saw five minutes ago when I pushed them up and they looked slender, gorgeous, my dream ones, they became jiggly, no matter what I tried.
I panicked.
Why shouldn't I if thinking about it?
I WAS A FUCKING FAT COW.
Since that yesterday I binged, all my progress was dead.
I got my thigh like that again.
Now I'm doing it again.
Until I'd be good.

....

A bit before the shower I had enough time for 3.5 minute jog, and split stretch. 

At the shower I did 50 crunches, I'm not willing to consume an hour for 200 crunches in the shower. 

I'd rather jog one hour in front of the tv watch something funny, or interesting, a food show or a disorders one. 

Well, it's night. 

I'm going to be on mpa for a while and hope to wake up at 5.

Berries, survivors,

I hope you'll make it.