Today.
Actually, let's not start with today.
I have something really important that started yesterday.
I had a nightmare/dream.
It started with a rumor starting from Maya DS that I'm killing myself.
It spreads faster than the plague on Reached.
And Ben asked the teacher if I'll stay in the class, and Orit said that I probably won't because it's the law, and she doesn't want it to happen, because she wants me to stay.
And as fast as it shared, I saw that nobody cares.
Nobody really cared.
And there I was, cutting myself with a sushi knife (it's the sharpest knife we own), and I'm bleeding, my wrist and thighs, my parents saw it, and it was the last thing I saw before I passed out.
I woke up in the hospital, and every single friend I have were there.
I also wrote suicide notes (how sweet of me! sarcasm), and I wrote my dad and sister that I love them, and they were the best in the world, I wrote one for my mother, said her what I think about her, how much I hate her, how much her existence makes me hate myself, everything, and I wrote something for my brother, but I can't remember what.
It was a dream because people cared, something that won't happen here, on physical earth.
And it was a nightmare, because, well, you know, therapy.
I woke up with each hand blocking my ears.
Trying to make the voices go.
But I couldn't, I just flipped and tossed myself, trying to make them go, and they didn't.
I can't understand what's happening to me.
Few days ago, I fucking cried myself to sleep.
I hated myself, and I hated my mother.
I was thinking about what I'll say to my psychologist, when I'll say all the truth.
Today, I organized my closet, I put the clothes I wear often and I like on one shelf, and the rest on another.
Since I feel confident only in black leggings and guys black shirts (sometimes whites), I don't have many things I like to wear.
I just think I look ugly and fat in them.
And on one little moment.
I just started scratching my wrist.
I don't know why.
But I knew since morning that this day fits perfectly for relapsing, thanks to that dream.
Now I have some weird little torn skin pattern, and flesh, and some dot of blood, and mostly sensitive skin that just pops out.
Why am I so disgusting?
Why can't I be like them...
All the pretty people.
I don't belong here.
I know it.
It's not my place.
I can't deal with it.
I'm sorry.
It's getting to hard.
And if my family weren't home right now.
I can tell you for sure, that dreams can come true.
....
Well, it still hurts, of course it hurts, that's what happens when you won't stop until the pain will make you.
At least I got the afterwards feeling, of calm heaven where you can relax.
This is what crazy people get, temporary addictive relieve.
...
I'm trying to draw.
But I suck.
My skin colors aren't matching, and the shading sucks.
Ugh, but at least I'm not stopping until I'll succeed.
Just like I do with trying to become anorexic, trying my hardest, and when I fail, I give up.
I'm not going to stop.
I'm going to do it again.
I'm not stopping until I have a whole new voice in my head.
...
I just watched The Best Little Girl in The World.
It's depressing.
And I'm afraid because of what I said.
Because once you get in, you never get out.
Why am I doing this to myself, knowing it's not healthy but forcing it on me.
I'm so weird.
How people are supposed to understand me, if I can't understand myself.
Nobody should understand me, I shouldn't ask people to do something I can't do myself.
...
I'm tired.
I don't want to go to school.
I want to relax and draw.
Right now, I'll have to leave few things, or find a way to push them all without going crazy(er).
I have to go to school, and get good grades (mostly for myself, for easier future for when I'll be leaving for you know where), and I have to behave to stay in my class, I have to keep myself healthy enough to make sports, and I have to be good at it, I still have to do everything I'm forced to do, and I still have to keep my little over-talking myself in the closet until I'll be safe again, on that blog, and I need to have social life, so I won't make my parents go all worried, and make them send me to another year in emotional prison.
So, how am I supposed to put my hobbies there, and if I won't, I will go crazy, that's a promise.
And when I go crazy, I collapse, and than it just go worse and worse in that rollercoaster.
....
I'm so fucking impressed!
I did a really good neck one!
So yes, it's not in the angle as it should be, but I fucking did it.
It's good to practice.
It's worth it.
I like doing it.
It's incredible.
...
A second ago I wanted to watch a movie, and the only last option is Suicide room, when I went to the links, I saw the video that is beneath.
Rusted Root's Send Me On My Way, it's perfect!
It's like ultimate happy song.
Mostly because I heared it firstly on Metilda.
I love that movie!
Telekenizes rocks.
And exploding things with your brain (Accepted).
He got a beard.
I love beards!
Well, as long as they are on 20+ year olds and it's healthy and looking good, and it's same with the upper hair.
I really hate beards on teens, it annoys me, like on that episode of Made.
....
Stupid body!
Stupid legs!
Can't you find one way to feel comfortable without getting parts of you red or blue-purple
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