How can somebody hate himself so much to hurt himself?

Messi Shilstmas!
It might sound stupid, because it is, but somehow when I wrote Santa Claus (because I mentioned that the actor of Snow looks like funny Santa Claus), my iPhone changed it to Santa Shalus.
I went with it.
I wrote a lot of bullshit.
And there's Shelfes (elfs), and there's Shudolf (the reindeer).
Well, anyway, it's twelve days away, if I'm right.
I hate Christmas.
Mostly because I don't get gifts.
Or eating a lot of milk and cookies, and ginger bread, and whatever they eat.
Being Jewish sucks.
Actually, this is incorect, let me fix it:
Pretending to be Jewish for the family sucks.
And the best part is that people expect me to express myself, but my real self is wrong.
One thing for sure, I'll never understand adults, and kids, I jut don't understand anything, but that's okay, that's why I'm not getting too stressed out, because I don't have to figure everything out.

...

Okay, I'm starting to tell you about the day.
We had science, and the teacher done an expriment, with some weird cleansing thingy, that when you heat it, gas come out, and that gas is oxygen, so she put a stick on fire, and then blew on it, until it was only shining on the stick, without the actual flames, and when she put it into that oxygen thingy, it started flaming again!
I loved that!
That's probably because I like putting things on fire, I'm slightly attracted to fire, but mostly becuase it's so fascinating, and I want to watch what happen to things if I burn them.

Aa guy at the end of the period said "Just 7 hours to go!", it made me smile at him, I liked that kind of optimism, as long as everything comes with a laugh when it's about that thing, I'm fine with that.

So, the hours flew, and on the seventh period (I waited for it), it was the teacher's hour, and after we finished talking about what we did in the holiday, we started talking about the last deaths.
Mostly about Eric Einstein (wrote plenty of songs, was an actor, every person in Israel know who he is), and Nelson Mandela (I first read about him when Gal told me she loves him, I think it's one of the most amazing things to do is to stand up for your rights, and to do a change, even that it's not acceptable, even by law), and we talked about him, the twelve year old boy, from Be'er Sheva, that hanged himself.
Ido W (that cute boy that is one of the nicest persons ever), and I tried to help the teacher find it with his iPhone, afterwards, he went to watch about Amanda Todd, after Ben mentioned her story, and he told me I should watch too, I just slid down the iPhone from my pocket, and he laughed, said I was a magician, I can take out iPhones from my sleeve, and I laughed, and for a big part of Math, I saw he watched that video.
It's nice to see that other people care about those stories, making me to not feel completly mad.
And when the teacher said (before math) "when a child hates himself so much that he hurts himself", I was looking immedialy down, knowing what have I done before, much before, and recnetly now also.
And I wondered and thought secretly "Will the ever know that there's a girl in their class like that", kids all around responded outside "Who's dumb enought o kill himself", that's personally what I think about actually doing it, it's stupid, selfish, and now I won't have a best friend, seriously, fuck you for leaving me alone!
And Gluz asked the teacher "How can somebody hate himself so much to hurt himself?".
She knows.
It just brought me chills in my whole body only by writing it, making my body move weirdly.
It's easy.
But it's also hard.
You need to pass a lot.
You obviously can always stop mid-way on the path of self hate, two options:
1. Recover (tried, and fell again, tried, and fell again, it's a cycle)
2. Suicide.

I don't know what to do.
If anyone will know, they will be so confused, nobody will know what to do, so they'll just freak out and leave.
And until they'll understand I'm still me, it will be too late, because I'll be considered weird.

But I won't confess.
The minute somebody tells it to my parents, it's the minute I'm under chains, in a fucking hospital, with a high amount of antidepressants, which will be good for a while, but when I'll stop, I'll be already addicted, and everybody will help me create another cycle that never ends.

I'm afraid that the kids will know, and everybody won't know what to do, because they know I'm the girl, that was bullied all around the fucking damn city, and the girl who did it to herself, the girl that hates herself too much, the girl who needs therapy in fucking chains.
I never imagined I'll be that girl, who always notice every slightly attracting detail, like tattoos on wrists, and suspicous scars and scratches on thighs and arms.
I always see my scars, I can't ignore it.
I just see them.
A piece of skin that is slightly lighter than the rest.

....

After school, we had practice, I mean, exactly after school, in the minute, until four.
It was harder because I was wearing a coat.
Only in the last five minutes I changed it to a sweater.

After I ate and took a shower, and started a bit on Arabic, Maya ds (or as she changed her name in my iPhone: "Maya Tomlinson"), came to my house and stayed until around seven.
We ate strawberries, and oatmeal cookies.
We also talked, and texted, and we did faces, and painted her Nexus 4 case, and we took the color off.

....

I'm cold.
I'm going to my bed.
Watch an episode of Misfits.
Mostly because she can read minds (the one with the funny accent, she kind of sounds like Simon's sister from The Beautiful People) , and he can dissappear (the weird kid), and he can take the time backwards (the athelete), and that's all I watched by now.
I really like their accent.
Accents are the best.
It's mostly because it sounds so pretty.
I like Russian accents on Hebrew, a lot, it's like music to your ears.
And German on English, Turkish I like on everything, they are like pepper, you can add it to everything, even strawberries, and America, well, they make me laugh on Hebrew.
Almost everybody makes me laugh on Hebrew.
Because they can't pronounce letters.
Everything sounds funny.

...

I wish I won't have dreams, nightmares are better, because they make reality look better.

Berries, Survivors,
I hope you'll make it.