(H)e(A)l(T)h car(E)

Why can't I make it through one day without having those "bad" thoughts?

Why can't I have one good day and not to get it ruined?

I binged today and ate a shitload of unhealthy stuff (actually not that many, but it's still a binge), but I forgave myself. 

I did so many things is hate myself for it, but I didn't. 

One good day. 

One fucking day. 

Until evening. 

An e-mail (the -less word replaces it with my actually e-mail address), from the sport class supervisor. 

I missed a third from the practices on February. 

It makes me insane. 

Two reasons actually. 

One, my mother (hisses in disgust), decided that it's great to yell at her daughter now, and it's extremely wonderful to make her be ashamed, confused, and enjoy another fabulous breakdown. 

Fucking great isn't it?

The second one, I hate this dream few nights ago, I got a letter, and I got kicked out from my class. 

It included tears. 

Black and red tears. 

Coal black and blood red. 

Fucking fun. 

But seriously now, Im pissed off from my truthful dreams. 

I really need to find a way to calm down. 

But it's impossible. 

Constant fear that I'll get hurt, that nowhere is safe, any single action by accident or not that was made by another will make me think they absolutely despise me and I should die before I'll hurt their feelings or they'll hate me even more. 

I always end up not eating in school, afraid to eat in front of others, I'm scared if they think of me as the fat girl. 

I daily try my best to do something good and it's not enough, sometimes by my opinion sometimes by others, if they don't hate me, I hate myself. 

I'm ill and in the same time not ill, and it's driving me crazy, if somebody will tell me that what I'm having has a name I'll be better. 

I feel being suffocated from the inside. 

Fuck! I even sleep with my razors when I'm in a mood for it!

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why am I never enough?

What did I do wrong?

Why do I never care?