Iain!

Today there's another stupid school day.
Sunday.
The longest of all.
It just drains all of your motivation and happiness in one day, instead of suffering through it for a week.
I really just want to sleep.
Sleep for such a long time.
But this everyday school-life is already a nightmare, so sleeping won't matter, will it?

I'm sorry that I'm so negative, it's not me, it's the hormones...
I hope at least it's them.

Yesterday's night I read an argument between some accounts on a picture of somebody lying down, while you can see her ribcage and hipbones (not sharp enough to be called thin in my opinion, she's skinny-fat to me, but doesn't matter) and she wrote "ew I'm so fat" or another line that's alike and told by plenty of teenager girls (guys do talk about weight and diets and body image and stuff, but they don't pop up a conversation that starts with the sentence "I'm so fat" and the rest is telling the first person that she's not fat), and there were a few of realistic girls that aren't very "ana!! selfie caption 'I'm so fat' lol! mia! depression! suicidal! poems!" and all of this bullshit that can come out of their stupid lipstick covered mouths, and they argued with the girls that are very much what I mentioned before.
It was amusing, and I screencapped some all of it.
I'll probably share it after this long exhausting day.

....

Okay, it's now eight pm, over twelve hours since the last time I blogged.
I thought this day would suck, I was partly correct.
Well, it went better as the hours passed, and I felt wonderful until I came home.
I wanted to eat, and to be normal, because I fasted the whole day, and for once I just want to live a somewhat normal day.
I was terribly mistaken.
I felt great until around twenty or thirty past seven, I came to eat some weird kind of bread, that's pretty much a bread with tomato sauce in it, and as I started to eat, I suddenly felt something that tasted weird, I felt cheese.
I felt that there was cheese in my food.
I asked, terrified by the idea that I just ate cheese if my mother put any cheese in it.
She tried to explain me that there's no cheese, and I said it feels like cheese and now I lost my appetite.
Which in some part of me wanted me to do, but I didn't want to lose it, I wanted to be normal.
I couldn't eat anything.
My mother accused me for eating junk all day long, and that it's not fair that she worked that hard (on making me eat something that I don't support in it's making?) and this is my thank you.

Great, so far I consumed, like what, three hundred at most?!
Those pieces were really small, combined, they are in the size of a regular computer mouse, actually, they are slightly smaller combined, but anyway.
I wanted to enjoy the day.
Until I made it through the day, happy, and I managed to distract myself from "wrong" thoughts, I just, crashed.

I felt twice as awful five minutes later, when I understood that she implied that I'm a fat pig who eats all day (don't you just love what BED makes people to think about you?!) after a full day of fasting.
I wanted to just cut, so many cuts, so deep, that I'll bathe in my blood while sitting at the tub.
As you can assume, I didn't, the fear of being discovered is ten times more horrible than doing that.

I felt so awful, that I considered to purge.
To fucking purge, just to stick fingers in my throat, and take that weight off.
I can feel it now, trying to digest it, it's awful.
I hate it.
I just want to cut myself open, and take the disgusting food off.
I can't do that.
I don't want to die.
I never did, if thinking about it, it was never my "thing" .

....

I feel stupid, heavy, useless, sad, and like the only thing I should do is cry.
But I won't.
Crying is for pussies.
Or at least that's what I learned from the boys when I was seven or so.
I guess I'll just be on instagram, or tumblr, watch people cut themselves (without the words closed world; wounds open" on top of it!) and maybe then, I'll crawl to my bed and watch some movie I watched before, or rarely a one that I didn't.
Maybe I'll find inspiration on the way.



2567.
That's the amount of times that  you were here, and you were able to see me, exposed, and never said a word.
How amusing it is, so many times, for a few people, and all that you do is watch.
I can't blame you, I have a feeling that I'd do that, unless they begged for sanity over a month.

I'm going to regret it, but...

WAIT! NO!
I got two things to say, the first one is amusing, and it'll help you to get in the mood and point of view for the second thing!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkRwjJOOvAI

This is also known as The Best Break Up Line Ever.

Fuck, now I need to upload what I want to say.

Fuck it, I don't want to.


It's nine twenty, my mother came earlier and asked what I ate, I answered that I ate what she gave me, she said that it wasn't enough and left.
After ten minutes, my father came in and asked me what's mother talking about that I'm not eating, I said that she overreacts.

I got a shirt on, since I'm such a weird obsessive person before my period, I had to check the tag, it had the brand's name "free" and a really faded number, which if looking enough, it's number is two.
Two as in large?!
Or two as in a what?!
It fits me perfectly, well, I don't know, I wear everyday shirts that are extremely big, and hoodies (WELL NOT ANYMORE!), so I guess that this is what people would call "perfectly".


I'm sorry that this post is short.

...

WAIT. WHAT?!
IAIN SMITH....
What just happened?!
It's gorgeous!
I love you man.
I never looked on who made the video, but seriously, just look for Iain Smith.

I love this person so much.

Well, I'm going to bed, I got nothing better to do.