Questions.

Well, my sim is a fucking success!
He's not even half the way in his aging meter, and he is in rank 8 out of 10 in his career.
I'm now building his house, I want him to have an early retirement, and a child, and a wife.
I don't know in what order.

....

It's five pm.
I don't want to deal with this week, tomorrow I have a test, and whenever that I attended the class, we simply didn't learn a thing, and she bothered to do so only at Thursday, like many teachers, causing my lack of knowledge thanks to their insensitivity.
On Tuesday and Wednesday I got a field trip, of two fucking days, filled with those morons that I see almost daily in my school, and I don't want to.
Hell, I'd rather to get in the post self harm stress for two months than going there.
I'll just be there, mockable, and I'll stare at the girls, with their stick thin legs, and I'll wonder, why did I ever have an eating disorder named Compulsive Overeating or Binge Eating?!
Why would I get an eating disorder?!
WHY?!
Why couldn't I just get a "normal" one?
Like the fucking well known Anorexia Nervosa?! Huh?! Or just the underground Bulimia that's so fucking common and nobody knows it?!
Why me?!
And why that?!
I demand an answer!
But from who?
Nobody?
Oh, maybe just from imaginary friends, who are in front of me, and don't have the guts to say anything?!
Maybe just my really "caring" daily available surroundings?!

Fuck it.
I'm tired of it all!
And I haven't even watched Suicide Room in the past couple of days, so this behaviour is abnormal.
Maybe just pre-period hormonal fuck up.
The "usual".
This time I'm without pills.
I wonder if I'm finally nutritioned enough from my fatty disgusting eating, so my body would like to have a successful menstruation.

I hope I get it before/after the field trip.
I got no patience for some middle-school drama around puberty.
Tired of all of those pre-puberty bitches who will have a delayed one because of their weight.
Darling, a bmi of less than fifteen will probably make your body unable to grow.

It doesn't make me any better.
While they want puberty, I want the exact opposite.
A child's body.
Boney, "shapeless", pure body.
Lovable one.
One that you can just stare and wonder "How the hell did she get out from inpatient?!"

That's sad, in some way.

Nothing unexplainable, but somehow, sick, wrong, and unbelieveable.


I really hope it's just hormones.

And I really hope that one day, I won't suffer it again.

.....

I watched Transcendence today.
I also learned how to correctly spell it!
I just parted it to pieces, and I'm good to go, it's actually easy.

I'm reading news, maybe something will finally be interesting in this prison.

I'm reading about music, and I'm telling you about it because the previous ones became like some sort of the usual.
A soldier got stabbed by his friend in Israel, and a girl got stabbed while the main suspect is a guy she refused to go with to prom, from connecticut.
And some shitty in-betweens like a project named "My Tattooed Bride".
Darling, nobody cares.
It won't help a fucking thing.
You know what can help?
Put people with bad skin after years of not protecting it, with tattoos over the saggy skin, and let others see how unattractive it can be even though that now it's "sexy".
Okay, a comment suggested a Progressive Rock band named "Big Big Train", I googled it, clicked on the first option.
I did not see this coming.
It's actually quite good.
It's great.
The thing that I didn't expect at all, is the flute.

Every couple of comments is pretty much people begging to bring Iron Maiden.

"Generation X is the best" is a title of one comment.
Now let me tell you something, no.
Not at fucking all.
All of those people, are fucking the future generations, and the existing ones, like generation Z, where I belong, and guess fucking what?
So many X's are fucking lazy, stupid, financially-failing out of their stupidity, and so many of them are fucking sheep!
I fucking hate those people.
Making bad choices that currently influencing this generation for different actions.
Generation X "the useless".
Generation Y "the failures".
Generation Z "the bullies who are also criminals-to-be".

Not fucking kidding.
It's the truth.


Why did you say that?!
Why would you do that?!
Give me one fucking reason to mention the fact that Linkin Park came to Israel at 2010?!
It's like telling me *insert a name of a band or a singer that came to israel before I liked him*?!

Somebody mentioned Avenged Sevenfold in one of the comments that are explaining that all the whiny bitches should shut up.

Fuck you, mentioning them again!
Lady Gaga, Depeche Mode.
At least nobody said that Genesis or The Cure was here!
I'M SAFE.
FUCK YOU AND FUCK YEAH!
Green Day never came either!
YES!

....


I want a book/movie/short-story about an utopian future for a change.
Everywhere there's happiness, everything that humanity wanted, and because it's a fictional future, it happened, but there are couple of bad guys (dramatic music) that are trying to ruin it all, because they want to win and control the world, or something alike that.
People should do that.
For a change, it'll have a plot that doesn't revolve about bad transformed to good.
Like the rare books where you can read about deaths, detailed ones, and not about romantic stories from one kind or another.
It doesn't mean that I won't finish Night Star nor that I'll skip the Hush Hush.
I can't leave it hanging, I must finish the stupid cycle.

....

I'M IN A WONDERFUL MAGICAL PLACE NAMED "JAPANESE STREET FASHION" ONLINE SHOPS!
I have no idea how do I pronounce half of the shop names there (sixh?!) but it's so fucking cute and asian and I don't know what!

Is it Italian?!
That's so strange!
My elf (?) sort of ceramics statue/doll always had a book in it's lap, and I never bothered to figure which one it is until this year.
It's Romeo & Juliet, but on the book cover it says "Romeo & Giulietta".

A thought I had after seeing a marching band's outfit for sale.
Why?
How would you even use it?!
When was the last time you thought for yourself "Hmm... Maybe I should start a marching band for the next parade!".
Why on earth would you do that?!
Rationalize it for me, please!
I don't think that anybody should go through his/hers closet and just look at it like "here's a shirt, here's a suit, here's a marching band outfit that I bought online, here's a pair of jeans...", nothing of this happens!

...

I wonder what will happen when men and women will be equal (can never happen, because each gender got different needs, and it's a fact, if males don't have a vacation after every climaxation that's for reproducing, then females shouldn't have a vacation for their uterus to heal itself!), a feminist subjects' degrees will be equal to dirt.
After they achieved their goal, what's next?

Some of them built their entire career on the inequality.
In some way, they can't afford it to disappear.

....

I want to meet the opposite of nightcore.
Instead of high pitched voices with basses added to make this song better, it'll be like super slow with classical ball music, so you can make hip hop into a perfect song for slow-dancing.

....

Okay, because I'm hearing the untitled song from The Black Parade Is Dead, and it's late-ish, and I'm packed with hormones, I have something to say.
I'm terrified only by the thought of a suicide of a sibling.
I just thought about it, I know that I won't do that until my body won't function at all, and life is just a hell that stays only by some stupid machines, and I'm just a burden, while if I'll die, somebody with hopes and future can be saved, but, there's other people, and those people are my siblings.
Hell, even some of my friends.
I can't even.... think straight.
I don't even.. I can't just....
And it's only imagination.
It's so awful to me.
I can't deal with it, and it's only in my head, one of the thousand of the questions that start with the famous "what if" words.
I don't...
I can't!
I'll just die inside.
I can feel it now, it's presence, it's here, waiting.
It's awful.

Maybe it's the feeling that I felt all this week.
I felt that something is wrong.
I didn't know how to put my finger on it, but it feels like something is wrong in my brain, like something isn't working correctly, I actually felt like some substance of some sort surrounding my brain, and just corrupting everything.
It hurt, in a way that I rarely experienced before, and the color that it looked like was dark purple, gray, and black.
It was disturbing.
I felt like I'm under it's spell.

I'm now in the depressing side of Instagram.
As I'm making myself forget about that strange feeling (The pain literally just striked again! it's awful!) I wonder, how aren't they terrified if they'll get caught? And how can they be so sad?
Living in a house that can be easily considered a mansion, being rich, so many people are in a worse condition (great example, countries under dictatorial, violent, abusive, evil regime), and they are broken hearted, bullied by how perfect they are.
I'd love to switch places with them.
The beautiful white skin, the no need to feel ashamed of how disproportionate I am, how nobody can bully me, because I'm just like them, and be another rich, pretty, stereotypical suburbs girl.

As I'm in the mode for those depressing thoughts, I want to say things, because, well, after all this is the purpose of my blog.

Instagram and tumblr depressing tags are like a quickie for me, instead of watching two hours of Polish actors and actresses, less exhausting and not as draining.

I wonder if Gal will come tomorrow.
I miss her.
I need to see her, if she's still alive.
I know that she'll never be the same.
And I know that in the right position, she's pretty much numb and I can't even understand a single action that she does.
I just need to know that she's alive.
As pathetic as it sounds, I need her alive.
So yes, I'm truly afraid of communicating with her, but she's the person that brought me to life, that no matter what -made me happy.
And it's not easy, especially when I'm freaking out.

Tomorrow it's Sunday.

I don't want to stay in this school anymore.

I just want to finish it all, and I don't know.
Maybe I'll just won't have kids.
I guess there's a reason why  I have siblings.
A back up plan for keeping the family's dna existing.
If I fail, they can do it.

Well, it's ten Pm, good night, I'm going to enjoy this night...
Hopefuly....