Suicidal

I said I won't post, but I did, last night I hoped that we all wake up late an I'll miss it. 

I begged to not come. 

I did not (from some strange reason) want to cut. 

I don't want to do it. 

I want to use my only coping method when I'm legal, and away from any authorities or guidance that will claim that I'm a danger to myself when I'll go too deep. 

I'm in pain, mentally and physically, half the time I almost cried, I ate a lot. 

I suffered this day. 

I don't want to do that ever again!

At the showers, I couldn't stand my own fat body, yet, I tried to "accidentally" shoe Yali my thigh gap. 

I really hope that she doesn't have one. 

Yael told me that when she wore the bikini (for the showers), all the girls stared at her, and she felt really embarrassed. 

I was jealous. 

The girl is a living bonespo, or thinspo, or fitspo (for me she's bone/thin-spo), but no matter what, the girl is stick thin. 

Now all the kids are talking. 

And I'm in the corner. 

Lying down on my backpack, suffering from my aching body, I want to go home. 

I hate people, I hate nature, I hate myself (sometimes mentally just as much), I can't stand them. 

I really want to cut myself. 

I'm not sure if I'll even go to the ram trip. 

Hell, I don't think I can even be around people anymore, even fully clothed!

I hate myself, I ate so much!

I'm too self-conscious, which is something I have to accept in order to stay alive, if I won't, it'll be actually unbearable. 

I got 30%. 

I want to die, just like my phone. 

The girls here are skinnier, and the ones who aren't, are just as confident. 

Hell I'm crying again!

I'm tired of this life. 

WHY NOW?!

All of my breakdowns in here. 

I'm considering the idea of giving myself some pretty good (or bad, it's all a part of prespective) cuts. 

I deserve some relieving. 

I want to cut. 

So deeply. 

My friends are trying to console me. 

Amusing that I can't stand myself right now, and my official bonespo friend is one of the friends who tried. 

I can't deal with everything today. 

I'd just cry myself at first opportunity, and I'll hide it. 

....

I'm going to abuse this phone's battery. 

I just wonder, if what I said it's true. 

What if you can't make it out alive.