Night!

Okay, in my time it's almost six am, and I am awake (Oh REALLY?!), and I just lie on my side and my left leg is in front and touching my right leg, my left feet is on the right one, more correctly it's my ankle on my feet, but the point is that I can feel my heartbeat through some vein there.

Okay, I think I lost fat since the last time I checked my fat percentage. 

I need to check it out. 

In another weight news (sometimes I don't even want to be like this, but I know that doing it now will reward me later!) I'm considering to take bicycle rides around the city and stop at the stadium, for a long distance excresise. 

How long? Very long. 

Why? You know why, and even though I don't want to - I can't control it but I really want to win in the competition that only my side takes part in, and to be thinner than her, and to... Actually, that's it, to be thinner than her. 

I want to come to all the people who called me ugly and fat, and be shocked when I'll be so thin, and with a thigh gap (I got the body for it! I just need to lose just a bit more fat!) and I want the most to surround my thighs with my hands, and to publish it in somewhere where my triggers could see. 

Just me and my thinness and them with their bodies and the puberty fat.

I can feel that everyday it becomes easier to surround a higher part of my thighs. 

I just want to hurt her in the worst kind of way -in her own game. 

I want her to develop an ed, I really hope that excresise bulimia because she got the roots, and because that no matter which excresise, it'll be impossible to burn all of her calories for the day (let alone, her binge calories), and she'll just gain weight (maybe a little less fast than if she's just have bed, but it's my imagination now!) and I'll continue with my own strange ways. 

I really want her hopeless, and then, helpless. 

I'd really like to make gal v (remember the thin girl that I thought she have anorexia last year or something?) have the anorexia I thought she had. 

She hurt me in so many ways, even if she's not aware of doing so. 

*its about the third mcr song in the last five songs, in starting to go through the Beatles problem, but in this situation I can't destroy any song because all of those songs were with me through my black hoodie and my white one! As much as I love the music, I really want to hear a good shuffling options*

She was almost capable of surrounding her thighs with her hands a year or two ago, and I remember how much it triggered me. 

But that's nothing compared to what she said yesterday! THAT BITCH said HAPPILY the fact that gal (our gal) left school. 

WHY WOULD THEY BE HAPPY WHILE FOR ME ANOTHER EMOTIONS WONT FUCNTION PROPERLY. 

....

Okay, I finished the 8km route I was forced to walk through. 

I burnt 200 calories. 

That's ridiculous!

200 calories in an hour and a half of walking eight kilmoeters!

That's depressing. 

It's what Map My Run gave me, I really want to buy now a pedometer that also works by bpm to know what's my heart rate, and it's more accurate because it's personalized, as it measures perfectly everything. 

By the way, I wanted to write something down earlier, but couldn't because a friend was near me, a very good friend that if she wasn't there, I would cry half the way and go through a breakdown. 

I had too many of those in the past couple of days, and as you know, it made every uncontrollable reaction go worse (tics, short episodes of feeling anxious, and afterwards short periods of euphoric high, talking to self with times of being aware and not, thinking endlessly about a certain subject and panicking), back to the point:
Yali took over my group.
Shira and Yael and Lea don't know about the past that a certain female and I shared, not even with the other female that because of her, today is a funeral for my happiness.
I just asked Yael who is exactly in our group, and as Yali joined she said "...and I guess that Yali too" or something like that, and I started to feel that soon I'll go through an emotion-explosion, and I wasn't sure whether it'll be rage, grief, or dread. I knew that it wouldn't be good.
Gladly, she suggested to walk with me alone.
She's a good friend.
Hell, she's a great one.
What can I say? A real angel!

I really want to die right now.
It's not that I feel that life are really sad, and stupid, I'm not depressed, or numb (nice song by the way!), I'm not alone (So Alone's animation is beautiful! Youtube it!), in fact, I'm supposed to be the happiest.
 But I don't know, everything goes so slow.  Too slow.
I always find it funny that So Alone of Anna Blue was originally meant to be a ringtone.
Depressing themes are everywhere.
It sucks.
It's hard to be happy about everything in this world.

This Sunday, it's a one long exhausting day with a couple of hells to go through (the first six hours are the worst, the seventh is a hell as well, the eighth is fun, and then the practice, and at five it's over, and if I go for the "extreme" route with Yael, then I'm home at around seven or something, if not, I'm by five thirty), and on Monday it's the evening for another memorial day.
On Tuesday it's the independence evening, where people celebrate  another year of this sixty something pain in the ass of a country