Suicidal Thoughts... Again...

I It's almost five am now and I still think that my life is worth ending.

It's just useless to keep on doing everything when you can clearly hear people say how much they hate you and how much it is your fault. 

I just want to stay in bed for a week, but I'm in constant fear. It is not possible for me to remain in one place, it's not fair. 

Showering will be terrifying for at least a week. 

I won't be able to stay home alone. 

And the worst? (or best, right now, I'm too scared for considering it as best). 

I'm too scared to put anything in my mouth. 

I'm paralyzed.  

I don't know if it's the fear of the bug, or my plans. 

Most chances are that they won't come real. 

But I truly need it. 

I can't risk it to be seen. 

...

I feel like absolute shit. 

I don't want to live. 

Their conversation, from last night, about how much they hate me, is played on repeat in my head. 

I started googling about "giftedness and suicidal tendencies", I assumed it's a great topic, as many wonder about it. 

I found a great article, which the writer seems like a good person, but still a faithful-god-believer (that usually can't hear the words god and is and not and the obvious real in a damn sentence), and a bullshitter. 

And he put two damn words that seemed so strange for me. 

A GIFTED SPECIALIST. 

You can't be a specialist for something you don't understand! 

One thing is when you're a gifted gifted specialist, but you can't be just a gifted specialist. 

Each kid that's under the specialist's hands, it better than ten of them. 

I personally think that as a protest, the children should make learning impossible, because it's ridiculous. 

After all, what are they gonna do?

Now, I can't tell how old, for me riots and protest always seemed good when it's a small-ish subject, and not ridiculously oversized that ends up with suicides. 

I want to travel the world, only to find somebody to understand, I really hope that I'd see you on my way. 

I can't stand this anymore. 

I want to find some secret twin that would agree to have weird facial expressions with me, and to understand that hormones suck, because you can control them. 

......

I came to blogger and one sentence of my music just focused me again on the music "stay alive or stay the same it's a stupid game a stupid game" from Let's Go To Bed of The Cure. 

I wondered if I should try, I mean worst case scenario is to be discovered, best is nobody to notice, middle-down I die.  

Actually, the worst is if I'd die, and you'd see that you can't win in the masochistic game, you just lose. 

Guys, remember the following sentence please.

Even that I speak a lot about it, I'd probably won't do that, I can't explain to you how much awful I'd feel about it, only the idea to hurt people with a future, makes me feel uncomfortable. 

....

I'm in school, I like being outside and riding with my bike. 

The coming Thursday is a day when we don't come to Rama on daytime, but on nighttime. 

While my friends are going to XO, (which is a restaurant) to enjoy their meals, I'll ride a bike. 

It's not that I rejected them. 

I simply didn't get an invitation. 

And see, it's friendship that lasted for over 7 years, and I feel bad about it. 

They don't even want to be publicly seen with me. 

And it's not that I live far away from the place. 

It in my fucking street. 

I'm the closest to there. 

That's humiliating. 

.....

I'm home.
I'm seriously pissed off about the fact that I simply don't have the cereal I wanted, like I even sent her a picture of the correct one, and she bought me the disgusting vanilla-flavored-filling instead.
AND SHE WON'T GET IT TODAY, SO I'D GET IT ONLY AFTER THE WEEKEND.
THAT IS TRULY SHITTY ACT.

YOU SIMPLY DO NOT MESS WITH A GIRL ON HER PERIOD.

....


Suicidal thoughts, again. 

Why am I always the one to blame?

Why do I deserve this?

I could've been normal if my mother didn't fear roaches and now it's reflected on me. 

I'm reading about sensitivity and giftedness. 

I'm trying to find things about giftedness that define me, because it helps me to know that I'm normal when it comes to that very specific topic. 

They claim that gifted youth is very sensitive. 

I started with disagreeing, and maybe it's just my low-self-esteem, but I started to see it in me. 

I assume I'm mostly "insensitive" as a choice. 

Emotions are exhausting and they always hurt you. 

I'd rather live without them. 

Same with pants. 

...

At dinner, my mother asked me if any of the kids from my class is watching the Big Brother, I shrugged my shoulders and said "pfft, who talks to kids from my class?" And then "They are as smart as a shoe" and both of my parents yelled on me that I should stop being a snob. 

May I tell you what happened the last time I acted stupider and more average just to not be a fucking outcast?

YEAH, I was bullied by my peers for a fucking whole year, and you surely know how it ended. 

I want to be left alone now. 

And just be okay, for a fucking day. 

I can't stand it. 

Maybe those are just the hormones. 

The fact that I'm not interested in their bullshit and I'm free to share my thoughts is not the thing that's unfair.

The fact that I'm with ignorants and imbecile youth in the same classroom for most of my daytime, is unfair. 

I remember, an article, a mother of a gifted six year old said that her child doesn't have any friends, and when she asked the kindergarten teacher why does her child is alone, the teacher said that the girl is simply not interested in the other's silly childish games.

Fuck you, for all the people around me who force me to stay with stupidity like them.

And thank you for the child.

.....

I long for that wonderful feeling, of not feeling, it's not as great as pure joy, but, it's better than being vulnerable.

.....

Are you trying to kill me?

I remember what the doctor said, I'm starting the pills two weeks after my first period day, and then consume one pill per day for ten days, and then I'm getting my period, not taking a pill per day for ten days from the first day of my period and then waiting for two weeks.

I'm not planning on destroying my reproductive organs because of how lousy your memory is, nor how much irresponsible you are.

You've proved it to me, you liar.

.....

If I don't fit it, no matter what, than, what's my purpose?

I mean, the world wouldn't change if I'd died, nobody will care, nobody will miss a thing, and I'd be just another title in the news, if I would be lucky enough.

Maybe I should hurt Yali before.

I'm tired of that bullshit of doing stuff I suffer doing.

Maybe I should just pack a bag and run away, get a ticket and get out of here, after all, it's probably not that hard.

Nobody will find me, I'd find a family to live with, and work for them.

I might find happiness one day with my plants.

I'd just escape life.

....

Here goes another day, when I felt bad for existing, and considered multiple times to just end my whole life, as it's useless with so much fears, and weaknesses.

If I won't be out of the school system soon, I'll just snap.

I can't.

Some people can go to school, some just lose it.

I want to leave that place...

I need to leave that place...

One day I'd die, not tonight.