Longer

.

I need to sleep, and not do anything, I got a practice soon.
I plan on not reminding it to anyone anyway.
I just hope that I'd be allowed to not go to it.
I just don't have power for being seen outside, I has only enough energy to breath, sit,eat, sleep, and blog.
I just had to mess up my whole closet because my mother didn't believe me when I said that I don't have my sister's leggings in my closet.
Which (not very surprisingly) wasn't there.
It drove me crazy, it made my need for not doing anything worse.
How the fuck am I supposed to function with that?

Anyway, I haven't remind them yet and it's now nine forty, the practice starts at ten.
Okay, I'm allowed to not go there.

I'm going to visit school today.
I kind of skipped it in the past couple of days, I blame it on being too nervous for actually going there.
I just know so many kds there.
And some of them know exactly what I've had with Yali, so even if they support me, it sucks.
A lot.


I need to visit it, but I got no power for doing such thing.
Is it even normal?
I assume it is.
Tweenagers are like that, aren't they?
Being nervous and paranoid because of the teenagers who will patronize them and/or harass them in any given moment.

And I just waste my time even more.
It sucks.
I just can't bring myself to do anything but staying inside as much as possible.
I really love the teacher, but I just... Can't.



Uh, wasted some more.
Why am I this way?
I don't want to be this way.

I really hope that my next time coming out is for purchasing another sketchbook.
If I can actually call it this way, it's that ZAP BOOK that I have, I like it, recycled paper, 320 pages, do I really need more than that?
I just need to find the other one.
 
I'm watching some videos.
I'm going to eat.
I feel awkward writing here now, I don't really know why.




Okay I have the need to explain myself.
I'm very shy, most of the time, with plenty of people that I'm likely to meet again or that they know me, I'm shy, I'd be quiet, and hide in my shell...

I gif because I can.

I'd just see people and want to leave, because I know that I'd hurt them, and I'd make them sad, and I don't want to do it, I did it with one, and it still hurts to me to see anything that reminds me of them, I don't want it to happen to others too, it was my fault, and I don't want anybody to suffer from the consequences of my actions.
I also don't want to get too attached, because when it happens, everything ends up to be painful, why?Because that when people leave, it hurts a lot, when something that means a lot to you leaves, it hurts a lot (that's why I feel really bad when I have no internet connection or that one of my main three devices die), and if they get attached to me, it's not good either, because I'd hurt them if I'd leave them, and I don't want to do that.
Nuh-uh, never.

But when I'm pushed to my limits, which means that enough you'd do something small that I feel that inappropriate and/or offensive and/or rude and/or upsetting it'd end up with me, being pissed off.

And then I'm more like that turtle...
I'm serious, do not upset me, I'm not afraid to do those so called "reckless" actions, because nobody should make me feel guilty, and if they don't mind doing it to me, then I assume that they don't mind doing it to others, and these others can be sensitive, so I'm kind of doing them a favor, for telling them nicely that they should fuck off, rather than other stabbing them.
Yes, I just called reckless actions to be verbal.
Physical isn't reckless, trust me, words hurt much more than many people believe.



.....

Okay, this is actually amazing.
Shironuri Makeup Tutorial by Minori - 白塗り メイク
The eyes are a masterpiece.
I'm near the end there, and I'm just amazed, how such beauty can be real?
The girl she've done isn't as pretty as Minori herself.


Okay, I've been doing some youtube surfing, and I searched for "porcelain doll" for finding some of the fashion that might be alike lolita and shironuri and who the hell knows else, seems innocent and lovely, right?
I found a couple of songs instead, and one of them was a german band named Freakangel.
I don't know about you, but I just... Well.... It's not that bad.
I can't find the lyrics, so now it's Porcelain Doll by Megan Mccauley (her first name's letter is also her last name's letter, she's probably magical), okay it already made me sad.
Porcelain Doll songs are interesting.
Now of Chrisette Michelle.


......

I'm watching Pinkstylist's omegle reaction videos, I'm soon to be at the second minute, but I haven't seen any people who are familiar with popular creepypastas stories.
It'd be better if they'd scream and say the name, and it'd be even better if he'd say for everybody "Go to sleep." but nope.
Nobody is reacting properly, pfftt.. Fangirls.

Oh at least in the Slenderman one person reacted properly.
Okay many people reacted properly.
One girl had Come Little Children at the background!

But why are they so chill?
Like, what the hell?
You should run away. Screaming. Flailing your arms.
Not like that cat, it's not the right reaction!

 But you disrespected.













..........

My armpits smell bad.
I'm too lazy to chase my siblings and force them to smell it (I'm such a lovely sister!), so I'm going to stay here.

I need disgusting and unhealthy food.
I'm happy that I live in a city and I don't have to harvest it from plants or hunt it or any other thing

But first let me watch some avatar music videos.
Fanmade videos.
Okay the zutura and kataang shit is annoying.
WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THE END.
Aang and Katara, and they have one airbender son, one waterbender daughter, and another non-bender son.
Zuko probably married Mai.
And Azula died.


......

Okay, my sister just asked me to close her door, so I pretended that I don't understand how much, so I just did it very slowly, and then when it was the right amount, I snuck up my hand inside and started giggling, she asked me if I stare at her and I told her that what I do is worse than that, and she saw my hand, I bursted laughing and now I sit happily on my butt cheeks.

Weird thing about my super-strange eyes.
My eyes are brown, super dark brown to be honest.
Which is a darker version for the very common eye color.
On the second grade people we once checked each other's eyes for some reason, and it was during the class, so I asked a couple of friends, most of the kids said that they think that it's brown, and one guy (Asaf) yelled in awe "Wow! Dvash's eyes are black!" (dark as my soul, just kidding) and then there was a huge buzz, while I got really emotional and said "No! They are brown! It's just the lighting!" and I remember getting really anxious!
But a couple of days ago, I just looked into my eyes, and noticed that I can't find my pupils, how strange.
I looked and tried to spot them, and saw that in the outer area of my iris, it's brown, like nice brown that has red undertones, like a cherry tree! but slightly more gray, from some strange reason... But in the center, it just gets darker and darker, and I have no idea where are my irises.
Only in the orangish sunrays of the dawn, you can see my eyes, and well, they are amazing under that light, you see so many colors, it almost looks like everything there moves! Like... like smoke!
Sadly, I enjoy hissing at the sun too much, and I don't tend to check my look with my camera or a mirror all the time, so I guess that I won't see it for a quite a while.

Oh well.


You know something?
I love dreaming, but it scares me sometime.
Why?
Because sometimes they are too realistic, which makes me gasp when I wake up, and make sure that's everything that I dreamed of was merely a dream.
And when it's not something you can check up, you're afraid to talk to people about it.
Imagine, you had a conversation with somebody, but a really important conversation, and every detail seemed so real, other people talked as well, and everything was so alive, and then you don't remember if it happened or you're just dreaming!


Okay, I'm rewatching Karma Police middle-easten cover.
The instruments always sound good, in every style and genre, but the middle eastern singing has the habit of reminding me things that I despise, and I just can't stand it.
So nice concept, but not for people like me.



I'm soon going to start something beautiful, named Game Of Thrones.
Since I don't have the cable company that airs that program, I have to use my amazing internet skills to deal with it.
Stupid cable company, screws everything that I have.
Our internet connection is also of them, which drives me crazy.
And oh, how could I forget about that?
My current sim card is of them as well!

I'm watching the first episode, the beginning is... Lovely.
I wonder why is it important.

I feel like I'm doing what everybody knows right now, it means that I'm widening my options in conversations, I watched the first matrix, and now I watch now Game of Thrones.
Maybe I should add reading Harry Potter and watch certain adult cartoons and who the hell knows what else.
Pop culture! Ready or not! Here I come!

Okay... That's actually spooky.
I like it.
The  heart and child scene.
Absolutely satanic.
Right now I'm blogging with mostly looking on the video screen but occasionally moves my eyes to this area, only for making sure that I do everything alright.

Ohhh!!
Cool intro!
I assume that with time it would become unbearable.
I love the animators.
And the designer of the intro.
And the make-up artists, clothing people (I don't know tow do you call them), and actually everything.
IT'S MAGNIFICENT.

I have brownies at the refridgerator.
I want some.
But which kind, almonds? Hazelnuts? Pecans? Nothing?

They used the bear as their sword holder?!

That was grotesque.
I don't seem to find my appetite now.

Maybe it just starts this way, and soon the common things will follow by, but I thought that the series were different.

Oh how sweet, baby-animals!

WAIT!
Is it who I think it is?
Nope, it isn't nevermind.

A crow.
I never liked crow.
As beautiful as they can be.
It doesn't change the fact that they stole my lunch.
Oh, is it a crow?

A feast!

When I think about kingdoms of that sort, it makes me think about what actually happens in Crusader's castles and forts.
You know, the drunken men, and the priests, and the children, and the knights, and the women, and the cows! Oh the cows... And the huntsmen.

IS IT JOFFREY?!
I capitalized the letters to remark my excitement.
The exclamation mark is also to remark my excitement.
I don't think it's Joffrey now... I don't know why.

He is unexpectedly short.

Was sex normal at the time?
Maybe it's just me now knowing enough about that....
OKAY.
Apparently orgies were normal as well.
  And nudity,
And death.

What?! Each one is an hour?!

How can people how the concentration levels for it?!

And here I am, forty four minutes into it.
I feel like I'm watching something that I don't really care about but I force myself to do so, so I'd fit in and enjoy conversations.

WAIT.
She's thirteen.
She haven't "bled" yet.
And she's getting married?!
It's my first time seeing a female getting married before she've got her first period, and I say it form a chain of Yemenite families and Yemenite friends.
I got my period at eleven and two months, my mother at eleven and six months, my grandmother got her at sixteen, but from malnutrition that was common at her time in Israel, but my great grandma got around my mother's and my age.h
She got married soon afterwards.
We can say that the reason behind the fact that I haven't told that I got my period at the time that it happens, is that I inherit the knowledge of being married at young age and my body disagreed.
Wink wink.
And that the reason behind the fact that even though that I've heard many sounds that sounded like there were other people that home- I didn't say anything, is that I didn't want the ghosts to think that I'm mental.
You know, I enjoy finding reasons.

This show is very violent and includes plenty of nudity and other adult content.
Here's a thing that I would brag to my parents about.


DRAGON EGGS?!
So awesome!

Daenerys seems so pale and strange near the other people.
Near her king she seems so strange.


Uhh guys, I think that I forgot it for a moment, but I'm thirteen... So... Oopsy poopsy?

I'm almost done!
The first episode almost comes to an end.

That child, Bran. just saw an intimate action between two adults.
Is it like web surfing until you learn about everything you need to know about sex?
A thing that I find funny, there are two kinds of ten year olds who know about sex, the ones that study it deeply as a serious subject and see all the thing that are alike that (including some mythology, pop-culture books, and how not -the japanese version) and there is the other kind, that makes the first kind look bad because that filthy kind is hundred percent sure that sex is easy and simple and fun and every girl looks this way and every guy looks this way.


Remember that I got bruised yesterday? From my bike?
Well, I can't feel the bruise itself, everything that's red and purple is numb, but the ribcage... Phew! At least I didn't break it, if I did and it'd pierce my lung, that wouldn't be fun.
The rib cage doesn't hurt that much, I exaggerated, it hurts, but it's more of the fun-pain that feels awkward.
I'm going to be quiet for a while now...


.....


This is why I want to watch Game Of Thrones, only to know what was behind it.



......

I am drawing some little red riding hood characters, and listening to reaction videos and all kinds of videos by Laura Lejeune, and I suddenly noticed that I actually got injured by "accidentally" hit a door (we all know that I hit doors in purpose, doors are my mortal enemies!) and I like it, it reminds me of being nine, and getting bruises from so many things, I remember that I said that a day without getting injured is not a productive day.
Wait, that I actually said when I was ten.
I agree with my ten year old self, I remember these days of banging my legs on every object in the kitchen and entry area, it was so weird, but fun, I had a sugar rush so it makes sense.


I'm watching 10 REASONS TO LIVE.
And that "What could've been" part reminded me that if I committed suicide on the fifth grade (like I should've!) that kid, that's younger than me, wouldn't have to commit suicide, and the other child that's guess what? Younger than me, if I'd died, and created the suicide-wave in the media that makes everybody self aware for how awful bullying is, then they'd get support, and they'd won't have to commit suicide.
I'm just.... Awful....
I just caused children to die, and that's only the beginning, from now on, so many others will come, I have blood on my hands, bloods of many on my hands.


I just can't stop thinking about the sarcasm in Bullet of Hollywood Undead.

I'm forced to go to sleep right now.
It's only one am!