Okay, sorry for not posting yesterday, I was at Tel Aviv from eleven am to seven pm, which is pretty much a lot.
I was there with Shani, and Maya P.
It was fun.
I'm going to give you pieces from the unuploaded post.
Actually, it was so short that here's the full one.
After being yelled on by my mother (yippie) I felt really bad, and I was so fucking angry (which is bad, being angry is very bad) that I wanted to cut myself, after a couple of brooming (that was what I was forced to do, but each time she talks to me, she talks in the most disgusted, hateful, and guilt-tripping tone) minutes it began to slightly wear off, and I was still raging from within but I held it, so I won't burst.
When I was yelled on once again that I need to knock it on the floor so the dirt leftovers, so I did, once, twice, three times, and they just got more violent as time passed, I was practically attempting to stab the floor, imagining that the broom was some sort of a weapon (dagger or a chef knife, they work the best for stabbing) and that the floor was her.
I seriously want to kill her.
But I'm forced by social rules and my education since birth (has nothing to do with genes in my opinion, why? Because if anyone would grow up in a different place, they won't be the same) to love her or at least pretend that I do.
Well, I can't stand her, I want to fucking kill her, but by law, I'm obliged to be bent to her.
Today I'm supposed to go to Tel-Aviv, I still regret inviting Maya to it.
Last night I had to convince myself that it wouldn't be bad, that it'd be alright, I used every rational thought that I have.
Which is good, rationalizing irrational things is good.
Last night I just said "It's okay that you invited her, you feel alright with Shani, don't you? Yes, you do. I know that you're not as open with Maya as you are with Shani, but don't worry, you're a lot alike, you saw that she's quite shy herself, and it's alright, you'll be alright. Everything will be alright. You know that you get nervous only before it, and you dread it, but you also know that you want to go there, and you're just afraid from only before it happens and you're getting better as it happens and after it's over..."
And a lot of this stuff.
Okay, since the technician is here, my internet works perfectly, so I just reloaded all of my non-working tabs, and I saw that I googled "Patchy fog" so you know what I did? Clicked on this.
This website is for a duo named Patchy Fog.
I feel like a hipster only for clicking on it.
The reason behind the size is that to tell difference between the post itself to the other things.
And it was a pretty shitty morning, but as the day passed, I enjoyed it.
At first, when Maya came to my place, I was slightly nervous, but as Shani arrived, well, I was so open and relived.
We're very alike.
Both have a strong relationship with our siblings, both screwing things up, both have the same taste in clothing and music (well music not identical, but similar, which means that the music that she hears, I'd probably like), and both want to do rather weird stuff.
Okay, back to what I've done yesterday, it won't be written chronically, so, well, try to understand.
After taking the bus to Tel Aviv, we decided that first of all, we're going to Nicole Raidman's shop, and it was in Kikar Hamedina (English: State's Square), which is pretty much the most high-fashion haute-couture artsy-fartsy and costs as much as renting an apartment in northern Tel Aviv, hell, in that price I would get a vacation for a week in a pretty nice hotel.
I'm not even kidding.
Well, since we didn't know the name, we walked, in the first buildings and shops that we went by, I saw a store that looked stunning, it had mannequins with musical instruments, and in the other side there was clothing pieces with a doll, you know that kind of dolls, I'll give you a picture.
Anyway, we continued walking, until we circled the area, which is extremely dumb, but we enjoyed it.
In the end, we found the shop, and it was the shop with the doll figures!
Ha-ha! We ended up circling the place.
We actually went it, it was awkward, but I noticed again that I work the best under pressure and nervousness, like, if I'm the only one who's stressed out, then I'd barely function, but if my surroundings are stressed as well, then I'd be okay.
Afterwards, we made our very long trip to Dizingof, in the way, we got lost, I showed my pathetic navigation skills, and after a meal ate by Shani and Maya, we reached our spot.
We had a lot of fun in the way.
Dizingof, we reached Dizingof.
When we got there, we just wasted like thirty minutes only in trying to find my store, and we didn't, so we tried to find other places, in the way we got into an art store (and got new pens and a sketchbook), and then we went to the most evil shop there, named U.F.O. music, yeah, the fucking devilish one (I won't say satanic, because I understand now that I misused the word), we went in there in the beginning, because I had no idea that it was that shop, because it wasn't as dark as before, the store actually had a working light bulb.
They still sold only merch (160 nis for a damn t-shirt!), and no cds, seriously! How can you call yourself a music shop?
So after wasting an hour, it was around three pm, I got hungry, so I went to the vegan shwarma, and ate the same burger I ate last week. Was delicious.
Afterwards, we walked towards the markets, and in the way, just before that Maya left, we got all in together for a shop that seemed really epic to me, and damn epic it was!
I bought guitar frets, some band t-shirts, patches, and I got a free pin. which I can't find now.
After it I went with her to an epic shop, and there we bought some matching shirts, and other shirts, I bought a dress that has a cool design (I'm planning to use it as a diy material) and a long skirt, for Jewish events and alike.
It was six pm after visiting the shop, so we went to the fur shop.
We got there at six pm and a minute.
The shop closed at six pm.
Tomorrow I'm going as well to Tel Aviv, but with Yael.
Well, right now I feel like I'm going to kill everyone in my area.
I'm serious, if not them, then me, I can't stand my mother.
I just can't stand her.
I can't even to be normal when she's around.
Today, I thought about life (like every human), and I understood that what I want to do with life is to help everyone, and when I do it, I don't have the urge to harm myself, when I help people, and they are satisfied (even if they won't say thank you, you can still see it in their eyes, or behaviour), I feel good.
I just do.
But when my mother is there, well, it all starts with the guilt, and like a snowball down the hill, it grows, and grows, and spirals out of control.
It's just painful for me to be with people like that.
I just see them, and thanks to my fucking amygdala, I feel fear and bad each time I see them.
.......
I'm after shower, I suck on an ice-cube, and I'm sitting on the floor, legs are crossed and are pushed against one of the bed colmouns, and my back is lying on a beanbag that's on another beanbag.
Nice and calm.
Tomorrow, since I'm going to Tel Aviv again, I plan to buy some hoodies, I need at least one for the trip, so I'd better buy one now.
And I need it anyway.
If the hoodie's price will be cheap enough, then I'd buy more than just one.
Oh I almost forgot, yesterday, I was walking down the market, and I suddenly saw three girls, and two of them wore a Pink Floyd shirt, at the moment I decided to ask them if they know them, they said they do, and I thanked them for the answer, and they left, kept going in their way.
I ask it because I saw so many dumb girls who has no idea what they are wearing.
You don't see me wearing a....
OKAY.
I was stumbling around in Stips, after clicking on a link from google (I searched for places that sell hoodies in Tel Aviv), and now I'm so happy, because I just found a question from a thirteener (or something) that asks if there are kids from the ages of 11-15 that hear Nirvana, but not like "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and that's it.
Which makes sense.
And I'm translating you something now.
It's a short conversation to be honest, I haven't noticed it until now.
"In age of 11 who'll understand Nirvana? -_-?
It's like saying why there isn't a seven year old that understand Eminem?-_-"
Which is different,you have seen my evolvement through the years, you see that I've changed a lot.
But to the assy commenter (who is probably a teenager! Oh! It actually makes sense now, the age wars!), well I don't know what you learned in Sex ed, but there's that thing, it's evil, and weird, and it's named "Puberty" (dramatic death/horror music), people change a lot through it.
I actually wanted to quote again the phase list from Night Star, because it'd fit here.
The question writer is now:
"Frankly, you're probably right but who knows there are surprises in life
And I'm 12.5 years old and I understand the meaning of all of these songs, the meanings and I generally really love Kurt Cobain.
You can't judge me only because I'm younger.."
I personally think she can use punctuation.
And that's what we should learn in Hebrew lessons, not to make different verbs and manipulate them, because everybody just stares blankly at the page and you simply can't understand a damn thing.
I'm currently hearing russian versions for common songs.
It's nice.
The anon strikes one again.
I just talked in popular tumblr slang.
"Amm probably because you're younger. What do you even understand from life and from these lyrics? I heard MCR and Eminem too but I understood what they meant and now when I look back at it, wow what a poser."
And on that part of understand of what you've done part, well, fuck you.
I heard Justin Bieber when I was nine-ten, and you know what? I didn't like every single damn song, I understood what they means, my favorite was Up, why? It's inspirational.
I heard Lady Gaga (I still do occasionally, mostly Artpop to understand the new style) and some songs I didn't like, and some I did, because I loved the meaning behind them, does it make me a poser, for understanding and loving it? I don't think you understand what "poser" means.
Fuck my hand is itchy.
I guess that the itch won't stop until I'd bleed.
Well, now the question writer response.
"If I was a 'poser' I would go to be a fan of One Direction because it's the new hot thing now. I don't just hear their music, I read about them, read their songs learning about them. And yes it's from free will. And I'm pretty sure that if it's my will then I enjoy it. Why do you care what I'm doing? And trust me that if I wouldn't really like them and I'd do it just for impressing then I wouldn't even ask this question. And all the pages that are open now in my internet wasn't their songs and things about them. Who gave you the right to decide what's wrong or right for me? All you know about me that I'm almost thirteen. Sorry to disappoint you that I truly love them no matter of how old I am. Huh and you don't have the right to tell me that I don't understand a thing from my life or that I'm just doing poses. I'm sure that you think that I'm just like every other thirteen year old girl that takes pictures with their stomach [exposed] and duck face when boys give them their numbers. So sorry but I'm not like this. And I really care that it came out like a rant"
The last line was sarcastic.
Well, I wonder if she's before her period or something.
Oh, I'm hearing a dubstep of a song made by Ellie Goulding, today I was fixing again my music section on Facebook (and I deleted every single picture), and in the suggestion box there was Ellie Goulding.
I didn't know that she made Lights it's one of the most popular songs ever.
Okay, I found Steam Powered Giraffe videos, where they made covers.
It's lovely.
It looks like something special, something that looks like an urban holiday, and one of the phases of Skull Kid from Ruby Gloom.
Okay, I was reading an article about mental illnesses in the city (yippie?) and then I moved to the mizantrop guide for the city.
And now I'm just in the Jehova page, and here is some picture that was there.
The caption was "Passover cleaning in hundred gates" (in Jerusalem), which makes me wonder, why so many?
Why would you have so many dolls?
I'm hearing all kinds of bands that I've never heard about before, it's pretty cool.
British alternative rock band named Fearless Vampire Killers.
My fingers are covered in black ink.
It's not perfect, obviously, it's not even close.
But it's the beginning, you can just compare my first things, and to this, you see difference.
I want to try other things, and I'm trying to teach myself to do it, the Youtube guides didn't help, the best thing is to learn by yourself.
Fuck art teachers, I'm going my style.
It reminds me that Dabush told me a couple days ago that there's a one specific way to develop your art, and I was amazed.
I mean, how come one way fits all?
I'm learning now using Sakura Koi markers, having seven colors and a blender marker, that's my beginning, and I'm going to enjoy it, and work with it.
I enjoy it, I love the new options with the shading thanks to the blender.
I made a couple more things, and I'm watching/hearing Tattoo Age: Freddy Corbin, now it's part 3, earlier today I watched the episode with Dan Santoro, pretty cool designs.
I'm watching now Mike Rubendall, I'm drawing things that I really like, I'm seriously proud of them.
I have crooked lines and it looks weird, but I'm just thirteen, and I already think that it's pretty good.
I made some more and I'm watching now Troy Denning's Tattpo Age film, it's amazing.
Anyway, good night for now, tomorrow it's round two in Tel Aviv, with Yael.
It's quite sad that I'm putting myself away from her because I care about her.
I guess it's better for her.
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