I'm dressed like a punk rock or pop punk girl now, I feel weird.
Why am I punk rock/pop now?
I wear my usual leggings and shoes and my dragon rock chang shirt, but I wear two bracelets, those rubber band ones.
Currently it's Bullet For My Valentine and My Chemical Romance.
I really feel awkward for wearing it.
I just don't like accessories, I find them gorgeous, because they can seriously show something about you, but I just don't like to wear it.
I dress up pretty plainly, everything in my look is pretty plain.
I'm sort of a plain jane looking girl.
It's really weird for me to wear most things.
I'm cool with black, white, and dark colors, they don't attract any attention
.....
I'm home, today the outing with Yael was really short and awkward, seriously awkward.
I just didn't enjoy it, I think she was nervous as well, and I really tried, and so did she, but it didn't work at all.
We stayed there for less than two hours.
(less than) Two damn fucking hours.
It's ridiculous.
With Shani and Maya, we stayed for over seven hours.
I had blisters on my foot for walking so much.
And I enjoyed every moment, my stomach was happy, I felt happy for finding all kinds of things, I felt happy for being with people who are a lot alike me, but today, it was just plain awkward.
I'm just afraid to screw things up again, because I literally destroyed her, I murdered her spirit.
She's on fucking anti-depressants, and she moved school, it was one thing if it was the other school in our city, but no, she moved to a school outside the city.
Yeah, it was that bad.
When I think about it, and I do other things at the same time, I feel like my palms are covered in blood, seriously, I just see my hands, bloody, I feel like that her blood is literally on my hands.
I just killed a girl, but not any girl, the girl, the one who made me feel better no matter what.
I just destroyed one of the most important things in my life, if not, the most important.
I just... Broke it.
She had dreams, aspirations, so many goals to accomplish.
I simply ruined everything.
She wanted to be an actress or a singer, and it's not like that she wasn't good at any of these, she was, she truly was, and well, she wanted to go to a specific high school in our city, but, now? Well, I just really hope that I'd see her there.
She could've done so many things if I didn't try to be a damn girly girl!
I destroyed so many things in my attempt of being a girly-girl.
I wish I could go back and change it all, but I can't, and that's awful.
If I could've save her from myself, wow, I can just see her, blossoming through her middle school years, maybe being a popular girl in her class area, while Yali be in the other side.
And together, they'd be happy, you know, enjoying being popular and young and rich.
While I'd be pretty normal or something.
I just want her to be happy again.
I was googling turpentine, simply because I remember using it while painting the knights statues, it was used for cleaning our brushes.
I was surprised when I didn't see any band named Turpentine, so I looked at the disgamabtion.
I found an Argentinian band, and it's also a song of a grunge band named Hole, grunge bands enjoy titling their songs after substances that will clearly damage you.
Cyanide is a very good example.
My body is not in the wanted temperature.
I like Annabelle's voice, it's good.
The music is great, and I can't even spot what is the best, it's all working well, like an oiled machine.
Okay, I have this weird desire to tell you what tabs are open in my browser.
Blogger, obviously. I got Tattoo De Vinci Studio's page open, I had a couple more open of tattoo studios, because... Well, I googled their artwork.
I got Steam Powered Giraffe's page open, and Misanthrope's page, which is an album of Brian Altano.
In another window, the tabs are of Youtube, of a pixiv account.
I'm listening to Black Dahlia.
Hollywood Undead.
I understand the songs, but I can't relate to it.
I would probably do if I heard it a year ago, when the emotions were very strong.
You know, the fifth and sixth grade were probably one of the more traumatizing years I've had, I'd hope that the next time that I'd feel so hurt, and hopeless (even though that I'm pretty much positive with a realist point of view and a sarcastic one, life is more pleasurable this way) will be in five years from now, the years of the army and finishing high school.
It'd be pretty amusing to go there with my cuts healing. You know, funny self harm.
I'd probably get slightly nervous everytime people will notice it or comment about it or about to see it, but I'd probably just be calm as ever (I'm always more calm and relaxed than most people, even when I panic, I rarely cry hysterically) and try to avoid smiling at the thought that it makes me so happy and calm, while people are freaking out at the thought.
Now you many ask why don't I do it if it makes me happy and calm? Because it turns to be stressful after a while when you are a minor.
Sadly "Age is just a number." Is bullshit.
Considering it, if the whole "thing" happened in the eighth-ninth grades, it'd be so much better.
A legal teenager, one gained weight at the ages of nine to eleven like crazy and ever since she learned about anorexia from her so-called best friend she's getting lighter and feels worse, while her so-called best friend decides to destroy her, and by law, she'd have charges against her.
She won't be able to do so many things with a crime file.
But now, it just had to happen when she was under fourteen.
Thinking about it, everything could've been better without a thing.
I'm considering to go visit Gal.
Seriously, go and just try.
Tomorrow I'm going to the gym with a couple of my friends.
I might have a membership, as I know myself, I'm probably going to run so much on the treadmill, and go apeshit on the elliptical, you know, too much pro ana threads that involve exercise isn't healthy.
Neither the threads of bulimics who purge through exercise.
You know, lovely sick shit like this.
So I'm going to enjoy tomorrow with my headphones while reading about things on MPA and hearing some music.
I just understand how pathetic and sad it sounds, I'm amused by it.
It's just so weird that my life revolves around all the things that are not exactly normal these days, well, except for wanting the well known perfect body, even though that my perfection includes a thigh gap and hipbones and basically a bony body that will make every other girl to want to have my body.
Today I've heard Saxon for the first time.
Why? In Choccywoccydoodah (the chocolate heaven from the tv program) they designed a cake for them, why? The drummer is the husband of one of the people who work there.
I just love Dave and Tom's cake designing and building process.
I think I'm going to bed, I just need to watch something interesting, or boring, or just lie horizontally on some cushion and just fall asleep when I'm tired enough to have my vision blurred.
It's better to fall asleep when you're barely functioning enough to stay awake.
Your body doesn't have the power to even stay awake and think about life.
Lovely things.
Maybe my hypochondriac self is just afraid to have anything that reminds any kind of illness.
And something that I thought about, considering the amounts of radiation that covers me, I should've got cancer long ago, and not all of the safe and healthy kids.
Isn't it funny?
My phone is always around me (usually on my stomach) and my laptop is usually on my lap, and we have the sun, and I live in a city with many smokers around, and all of the cars, well, it just seems unfair.
Seriously, people get cancer for being completely healthy, and their cells start to fuck up, and I just fucked up my body in so many ways, and it didn't destroy itself yet.
I just guess that instead of weakening and destroying my body, I just make it stronger.
Seriously, it's ridiculous, let most of your body to heal by itself, and get plenty of wounds, get kicked, make your stomach growl, fuck, eat plenty of the food you like at the moment you want it.
My body isn't a normal homosapien type, my nails broke the nail cutters, serval times.
It's ridiculous, how can it possibly be?
Maybe I'm not a human (gasp), I'm a NEPHILIM.
Ka-fucking-bam.
.....
I'm home, today the outing with Yael was really short and awkward, seriously awkward.
I just didn't enjoy it, I think she was nervous as well, and I really tried, and so did she, but it didn't work at all.
We stayed there for less than two hours.
(less than) Two damn fucking hours.
It's ridiculous.
With Shani and Maya, we stayed for over seven hours.
I had blisters on my foot for walking so much.
And I enjoyed every moment, my stomach was happy, I felt happy for finding all kinds of things, I felt happy for being with people who are a lot alike me, but today, it was just plain awkward.
I'm just afraid to screw things up again, because I literally destroyed her, I murdered her spirit.
She's on fucking anti-depressants, and she moved school, it was one thing if it was the other school in our city, but no, she moved to a school outside the city.
Yeah, it was that bad.
When I think about it, and I do other things at the same time, I feel like my palms are covered in blood, seriously, I just see my hands, bloody, I feel like that her blood is literally on my hands.
I just killed a girl, but not any girl, the girl, the one who made me feel better no matter what.
I just destroyed one of the most important things in my life, if not, the most important.
I just... Broke it.
She had dreams, aspirations, so many goals to accomplish.
I simply ruined everything.
She wanted to be an actress or a singer, and it's not like that she wasn't good at any of these, she was, she truly was, and well, she wanted to go to a specific high school in our city, but, now? Well, I just really hope that I'd see her there.
She could've done so many things if I didn't try to be a damn girly girl!
I destroyed so many things in my attempt of being a girly-girl.
I wish I could go back and change it all, but I can't, and that's awful.
If I could've save her from myself, wow, I can just see her, blossoming through her middle school years, maybe being a popular girl in her class area, while Yali be in the other side.
And together, they'd be happy, you know, enjoying being popular and young and rich.
While I'd be pretty normal or something.
I just want her to be happy again.
I was googling turpentine, simply because I remember using it while painting the knights statues, it was used for cleaning our brushes.
I was surprised when I didn't see any band named Turpentine, so I looked at the disgamabtion.
I found an Argentinian band, and it's also a song of a grunge band named Hole, grunge bands enjoy titling their songs after substances that will clearly damage you.
Cyanide is a very good example.
My body is not in the wanted temperature.
I like Annabelle's voice, it's good.
The music is great, and I can't even spot what is the best, it's all working well, like an oiled machine.
Okay, I have this weird desire to tell you what tabs are open in my browser.
Blogger, obviously. I got Tattoo De Vinci Studio's page open, I had a couple more open of tattoo studios, because... Well, I googled their artwork.
I got Steam Powered Giraffe's page open, and Misanthrope's page, which is an album of Brian Altano.
In another window, the tabs are of Youtube, of a pixiv account.
I'm listening to Black Dahlia.
Hollywood Undead.
I understand the songs, but I can't relate to it.
I would probably do if I heard it a year ago, when the emotions were very strong.
You know, the fifth and sixth grade were probably one of the more traumatizing years I've had, I'd hope that the next time that I'd feel so hurt, and hopeless (even though that I'm pretty much positive with a realist point of view and a sarcastic one, life is more pleasurable this way) will be in five years from now, the years of the army and finishing high school.
It'd be pretty amusing to go there with my cuts healing. You know, funny self harm.
I'd probably get slightly nervous everytime people will notice it or comment about it or about to see it, but I'd probably just be calm as ever (I'm always more calm and relaxed than most people, even when I panic, I rarely cry hysterically) and try to avoid smiling at the thought that it makes me so happy and calm, while people are freaking out at the thought.
Now you many ask why don't I do it if it makes me happy and calm? Because it turns to be stressful after a while when you are a minor.
Sadly "Age is just a number." Is bullshit.
Considering it, if the whole "thing" happened in the eighth-ninth grades, it'd be so much better.
A legal teenager, one gained weight at the ages of nine to eleven like crazy and ever since she learned about anorexia from her so-called best friend she's getting lighter and feels worse, while her so-called best friend decides to destroy her, and by law, she'd have charges against her.
She won't be able to do so many things with a crime file.
But now, it just had to happen when she was under fourteen.
Thinking about it, everything could've been better without a thing.
I'm considering to go visit Gal.
Seriously, go and just try.
Tomorrow I'm going to the gym with a couple of my friends.
I might have a membership, as I know myself, I'm probably going to run so much on the treadmill, and go apeshit on the elliptical, you know, too much pro ana threads that involve exercise isn't healthy.
Neither the threads of bulimics who purge through exercise.
You know, lovely sick shit like this.
So I'm going to enjoy tomorrow with my headphones while reading about things on MPA and hearing some music.
I just understand how pathetic and sad it sounds, I'm amused by it.
It's just so weird that my life revolves around all the things that are not exactly normal these days, well, except for wanting the well known perfect body, even though that my perfection includes a thigh gap and hipbones and basically a bony body that will make every other girl to want to have my body.
Today I've heard Saxon for the first time.
Why? In Choccywoccydoodah (the chocolate heaven from the tv program) they designed a cake for them, why? The drummer is the husband of one of the people who work there.
I just love Dave and Tom's cake designing and building process.
I think I'm going to bed, I just need to watch something interesting, or boring, or just lie horizontally on some cushion and just fall asleep when I'm tired enough to have my vision blurred.
It's better to fall asleep when you're barely functioning enough to stay awake.
Your body doesn't have the power to even stay awake and think about life.
Lovely things.
Maybe my hypochondriac self is just afraid to have anything that reminds any kind of illness.
And something that I thought about, considering the amounts of radiation that covers me, I should've got cancer long ago, and not all of the safe and healthy kids.
Isn't it funny?
My phone is always around me (usually on my stomach) and my laptop is usually on my lap, and we have the sun, and I live in a city with many smokers around, and all of the cars, well, it just seems unfair.
Seriously, people get cancer for being completely healthy, and their cells start to fuck up, and I just fucked up my body in so many ways, and it didn't destroy itself yet.
I just guess that instead of weakening and destroying my body, I just make it stronger.
Seriously, it's ridiculous, let most of your body to heal by itself, and get plenty of wounds, get kicked, make your stomach growl, fuck, eat plenty of the food you like at the moment you want it.
My body isn't a normal homosapien type, my nails broke the nail cutters, serval times.
It's ridiculous, how can it possibly be?
Maybe I'm not a human (gasp), I'm a NEPHILIM.
Ka-fucking-bam.
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