Wow, today was not a good day for living, but... Nope, tomorrow won't be better, I don't know when it'll be, but tomorrow won't be a good day.
I personally hate to be doubted, because I don't speak unless I'm sure, and when people do that, and with it, they insult me, I want to rip their head off their neck, seriously, can they just not?
It fucking hurts when people think that it's legitimate to tell you that you're a couple of sizes bigger.
So fucking sorry for living.
When people tell you that you're too big for something, it makes you want to not eat for a week and lock yourself in your room...
I want to lock myself in my room.
Well, it might give me some hard times while trying to join the army (21 mental?) but it's not much of a concern, considering the high rates of suicides among serving soldiers in Israel.
I have this strange wish to just stay in my room, and simply to not perform any social act, just be with myself, I can find an equal amount of pros and cons for the wanted and wished situation, simply because every pro is a con.
I'd find more about myself.
I might develop something (researching is always more fun when it's from first source).
I'd become happier/sadder doing anything because of the "extreme" experience.
I'd be alone.
I'd make a movie character come more realistic and alive if I'd do so (cough cough, Suicide Room aka Sala Samobojcow!)
I'd just experience something strange that will change me.
Okay, if I'm a homosexual, bipolar, an artist, and have a low-IQ, I just got 21 without blinking.
Oh, and of course eating disorder, a loss of a close friend, and how not - the classical suicidal tendecies!
I'm sorry, I just stopped on learning art, because as they claim, artists tend to be more sensitive.
So does the "gifted" are.
And since I go to that damn annoying psychological art treatment, does it mean that I have bonus points?
Or should I call them bonus negative points?
Oh wait, I definitely got bonus points, psychologic treatments from young age (I think that I was 12 at the time, by the law, nobody can do anything to me, I'm not fourteen, not yet) and it's actually mixed with art (even though that I despise many people who have teach it in schools, as you can learn better in your own fucking style, which called freestyle!) and depressing or suicidal acts/thoughts aren't really in it, as I'm just a weird hormonal kid to a couple of over-stressed parents.
Oh wait, I forgot about it for a second.
They want to get your private website if you have it, pfft! HA HA! I wonder if they'd marker my name in red after reading it.
Even though that I mentioned several times that I do/n't want to join from XYZ reasons.
I saw in the area of the actual meeting about stories for the character they build, what answers will be.
I saw "I don't know" as well.
My mother says that when I was five I learned the sentence "I don't know" and ever since that's all I can say, I just don't know a lot of things, or unsure about them, so I won't tell a legitimate answer.
Wow, I don't think that thirteen year olds should sit on their purple bean bag, staring on their screen, imagining a wonderful conversation between my barely legal aged self to a thirty to fifty year old psychiatrist, when he asks about my social past, I'd speak and my eyes will shine from tears of joy and pain with each story.
Including some weirdass detail memory, that I have, like conversations, places, ideas that were thought of at the moment, all sort of stuff.
I just love it, and it reminds me that I can never be depressed, I can feel "deflated" (I don't know if I even use this word this way) but I can't just feel that everything is collapsing and nothing will get better, I know that everything will change, it always happened before, so it will happen again, history repeats itself.
I have a lot of faith in the future, even if this future is in my body with the missing organs that were donated, being burnt and might be served to be eaten (as long as that it won't kill anybody or seriously harm them in any aspect), future if future, period.
I know that if not now, then later, and at some point something will happen, life is a like a videogame, a super-long one and you got only one token, the task is to stay as long as you can and do as much as possible, treat it easily, you'll die anyway in the end, try to make the most of it.
Actually the only diagnosis I can have is "a hormonal youngster, can destroy your mental health with talking" and I'm just a hormonal person, my brain produces stuff because it's fucking puberty, do not treat anybody with a fragile hormone system seriously.
I assume that it's the best manual for the average Israeli youth, everything that revolves around the topic is just screaming "YOUTH INVITED" from the simple reason that we're all brainwashed, I remember on the second or third grade (another super detailed memory) that a boy, Asaf, asked my father if he'd be able to serve in the combat positions and if not, then as a pilot, because of his heart condition.
Imagine it! An eight year old boy asking a Paramedic adult if he could serve in the army! That's outrageous! There's a song that pops into my mind when I hear those kind of stuff, it's a Hebrew song, that the translation of the name is "Only In Israel" and it lists a lot of wonderful things in Israel.
Since I love to make parodies for real and parodies or changed-lyrics songs, I had to make a parody, it included a lot about the Israeli Chutzpah, which included stabbing, violence on the road, and all sort of negatives in Israel.
They mention a lot of behaviours that have bonus points, I personally find them as something that I sometimes do, but again I'm a fucking underaged girl, I'm forced to go to school until I finished the twelfth grade, I found a lot of ways to entertain myself in order to make time seem to go faster, and a lot of it is staring, sometimes trying to give as much as detail to a specific object, and sometimes just blankly staring on a point, and thinking a lot.
But I rarely look down, I have no reason to, I'm a fucking person, nobody should even dare to think about disrespecting me, and I have all the reasons in the world to straighten my spine and look forward.
I don't want to have back problems and a lousy stand when I'd be older. I want to be the dominant ruler in the room, I want control afterwards. I need to focus on anything but the ground, I might fall if I won't, or worse, I might see something that I wouldn't want to see.
Okay, my face just twitched for the last sentence, it described everything that I said that I do but they didn't mention.
I almost broke my ceramic doll while I thought about Mike from Wheelers Dealers, he helped to build a paddle, to his friend, I remember that both of the workers in the factory had a soft G in the beginning of their name, Gerard (I always misspell it, even though that I used to follow fangirls on Instagram) was one, and he almost cut his finger off using some sort of a machine.
OH FUCK.
I THINK ABOUT THE GIRL THAT I HATE HER PARENTS AND HER.
Her name means a lot to me.
And I assume that you can guess that her name is Dvash just like me, and she's everything that I hate about the Shufuni culture in Israel, new-age-hipster parents, pop-culture dedicated fans, have a strange need to show how rich they are, and I hate everything about her existence.
Yet, I wonder if the males/females named Apple or Deborah (in hebrew it pronounced as Dvora which is a bee) or Dvash is alike me in their personality.
They speak about emotional behavior, or more accurately, the lack of one.
They don't get happy, nor sad. They don't laugh wholeheartedly or get extremely angry.
I avoid getting angry, usually by scratching my palm until it's bright red, or that I just attempt to dig one of my nails into another finger, it makes me feel hot-headed and I just wait for it to pass before I stop doing the action.
And I just started laughing more heartedly, my laugh is usually silent, from the simple reason that people previously insulted me and my laughter, so I just started to stop laughing it, so I won't bring pain to others, even though that they deserve it.
True, burning, and how not -passionate, pain, belongs to people I truly despise.
Even though that I start to let go.
Unbonding is easier, making leaving and coming hurt less for everybody
They used as an example of a schoolkid not making his homework with the answer of "what can I possibly do?" or "I can't" for the feeling of helplessness among the depressed.
I remember not making my homework through mid-fourth and fifth and a large piece of the sixth from the simple reason of that I have more important things to do, and that I had that feeling of "I have to proof them that I'm not a perfectionist!" even though that it reflected in other places.
When I was at the fourth grade or the third, but more likely that the fourth, I was called by my teacher and mother "a perfectionist" and I knew that I have to change it.
I remember that I wouldn't show my grades to my parents if they were lower than 100, even if I got above 95, even if I got the best grade in my class.
I remember that I always had the ability to not put full attention to the class, and mostly drew and wrote the teacher's text that she told us to write, but still I managed to get good grades, I never prepared to tests, because it seemed stupid, after all the test is about the taught material, and we have no reason to repeat it all if we already heard and understood it once.
Okay, I assume that this topic we can close as that I'm not depressed, I never was, and I'll never be.
They mention crying a lot.
I can tell you that the last two months of this school year just emotionally drained me, and I cried a lot, not hysterical cries, I find them ridiculous, and as they say, more quite and hestaintentous, but simply because that I can't stand that attention that you get while you're crying.
And they talk as well about the numbness that leads to not crying at all, what I did most of the school year, simply because I connected emotional conditions to weakness at some point in my existence.
I still find interest and pleasure in many things, and if I can't seem to find any, I'd force my way to find one.
Usually reading different pages, and starting to learn a lot about the topic.
But I don't enjoy social events, I just don't enjoy people, too loud, too annoying, too repetitive, and most of them are shallower than a kiddie-pool and boring as... well, nothing is more boring than them, it's incomparable, drying paint is more interesting, I'd love to try calculating the time of drying paint.
I have to admit that a large part of my reading time is for thinking about what Keren (the psychologist) might consider me.
When a depressed person is requested to repeat oneself, he'll probably shrug it off with "it doesn't matter" or that he'll "forget" it.
I say something once, you didn't bother to hear me, then fuck off, you don't deserve to hear me.
I HAVE A BRILLIANT SHORT FILM / SHORT STORY / CREEPYPASTA IDEA.
Mostly inspired by those epic imaginary conversations from a website, dedicated to anti-army and can be considered as well anti-zionist.
Mentally ill people, masochistic, violent, depressed, an addict, everything you'd like, the conversations, the life outside versus the life inside.
I read another article, about the fact that on 2009 the amount of 21 Profiles weren't given easily.
Thanks to a new law that legally forces religious (from the Judaism spectrum, before it, it forced not very religious, and the religious ones had a choice, now nobody has a choice) people, and with the army's favoriting males, I assume that they'll have so many people (in my age area, there are many heavy massed religious families) that they'd find me more as a burden rather than a great additive.
Even though that if one of the top-secret agencies and alike will give me a try out I'd run for the mission, I don't want to join the army.
But actually, I'd rather be a head-hunter, from the simple reason that all I need to do is to kill and get plenty of money from it, and since that the ones who will use my service are usually tycoons, they have a lot of power in the country, meaning, rules will be bent especially for them, and therefore, for me.
I have a lot of faith in the future, even if this future is in my body with the missing organs that were donated, being burnt and might be served to be eaten (as long as that it won't kill anybody or seriously harm them in any aspect), future if future, period.
I know that if not now, then later, and at some point something will happen, life is a like a videogame, a super-long one and you got only one token, the task is to stay as long as you can and do as much as possible, treat it easily, you'll die anyway in the end, try to make the most of it.
Actually the only diagnosis I can have is "a hormonal youngster, can destroy your mental health with talking" and I'm just a hormonal person, my brain produces stuff because it's fucking puberty, do not treat anybody with a fragile hormone system seriously.
I assume that it's the best manual for the average Israeli youth, everything that revolves around the topic is just screaming "YOUTH INVITED" from the simple reason that we're all brainwashed, I remember on the second or third grade (another super detailed memory) that a boy, Asaf, asked my father if he'd be able to serve in the combat positions and if not, then as a pilot, because of his heart condition.
Imagine it! An eight year old boy asking a Paramedic adult if he could serve in the army! That's outrageous! There's a song that pops into my mind when I hear those kind of stuff, it's a Hebrew song, that the translation of the name is "Only In Israel" and it lists a lot of wonderful things in Israel.
Since I love to make parodies for real and parodies or changed-lyrics songs, I had to make a parody, it included a lot about the Israeli Chutzpah, which included stabbing, violence on the road, and all sort of negatives in Israel.
They mention a lot of behaviours that have bonus points, I personally find them as something that I sometimes do, but again I'm a fucking underaged girl, I'm forced to go to school until I finished the twelfth grade, I found a lot of ways to entertain myself in order to make time seem to go faster, and a lot of it is staring, sometimes trying to give as much as detail to a specific object, and sometimes just blankly staring on a point, and thinking a lot.
But I rarely look down, I have no reason to, I'm a fucking person, nobody should even dare to think about disrespecting me, and I have all the reasons in the world to straighten my spine and look forward.
I don't want to have back problems and a lousy stand when I'd be older. I want to be the dominant ruler in the room, I want control afterwards. I need to focus on anything but the ground, I might fall if I won't, or worse, I might see something that I wouldn't want to see.
Okay, my face just twitched for the last sentence, it described everything that I said that I do but they didn't mention.
I almost broke my ceramic doll while I thought about Mike from Wheelers Dealers, he helped to build a paddle, to his friend, I remember that both of the workers in the factory had a soft G in the beginning of their name, Gerard (I always misspell it, even though that I used to follow fangirls on Instagram) was one, and he almost cut his finger off using some sort of a machine.
OH FUCK.
I THINK ABOUT THE GIRL THAT I HATE HER PARENTS AND HER.
Her name means a lot to me.
And I assume that you can guess that her name is Dvash just like me, and she's everything that I hate about the Shufuni culture in Israel, new-age-hipster parents, pop-culture dedicated fans, have a strange need to show how rich they are, and I hate everything about her existence.
Yet, I wonder if the males/females named Apple or Deborah (in hebrew it pronounced as Dvora which is a bee) or Dvash is alike me in their personality.
They speak about emotional behavior, or more accurately, the lack of one.
They don't get happy, nor sad. They don't laugh wholeheartedly or get extremely angry.
I avoid getting angry, usually by scratching my palm until it's bright red, or that I just attempt to dig one of my nails into another finger, it makes me feel hot-headed and I just wait for it to pass before I stop doing the action.
And I just started laughing more heartedly, my laugh is usually silent, from the simple reason that people previously insulted me and my laughter, so I just started to stop laughing it, so I won't bring pain to others, even though that they deserve it.
True, burning, and how not -passionate, pain, belongs to people I truly despise.
Even though that I start to let go.
Unbonding is easier, making leaving and coming hurt less for everybody
They used as an example of a schoolkid not making his homework with the answer of "what can I possibly do?" or "I can't" for the feeling of helplessness among the depressed.
I remember not making my homework through mid-fourth and fifth and a large piece of the sixth from the simple reason of that I have more important things to do, and that I had that feeling of "I have to proof them that I'm not a perfectionist!" even though that it reflected in other places.
When I was at the fourth grade or the third, but more likely that the fourth, I was called by my teacher and mother "a perfectionist" and I knew that I have to change it.
I remember that I wouldn't show my grades to my parents if they were lower than 100, even if I got above 95, even if I got the best grade in my class.
I remember that I always had the ability to not put full attention to the class, and mostly drew and wrote the teacher's text that she told us to write, but still I managed to get good grades, I never prepared to tests, because it seemed stupid, after all the test is about the taught material, and we have no reason to repeat it all if we already heard and understood it once.
Okay, I assume that this topic we can close as that I'm not depressed, I never was, and I'll never be.
They mention crying a lot.
I can tell you that the last two months of this school year just emotionally drained me, and I cried a lot, not hysterical cries, I find them ridiculous, and as they say, more quite and hestaintentous, but simply because that I can't stand that attention that you get while you're crying.
And they talk as well about the numbness that leads to not crying at all, what I did most of the school year, simply because I connected emotional conditions to weakness at some point in my existence.
I still find interest and pleasure in many things, and if I can't seem to find any, I'd force my way to find one.
Usually reading different pages, and starting to learn a lot about the topic.
But I don't enjoy social events, I just don't enjoy people, too loud, too annoying, too repetitive, and most of them are shallower than a kiddie-pool and boring as... well, nothing is more boring than them, it's incomparable, drying paint is more interesting, I'd love to try calculating the time of drying paint.
I have to admit that a large part of my reading time is for thinking about what Keren (the psychologist) might consider me.
When a depressed person is requested to repeat oneself, he'll probably shrug it off with "it doesn't matter" or that he'll "forget" it.
I say something once, you didn't bother to hear me, then fuck off, you don't deserve to hear me.
I HAVE A BRILLIANT SHORT FILM / SHORT STORY / CREEPYPASTA IDEA.
Mostly inspired by those epic imaginary conversations from a website, dedicated to anti-army and can be considered as well anti-zionist.
Mentally ill people, masochistic, violent, depressed, an addict, everything you'd like, the conversations, the life outside versus the life inside.
I read another article, about the fact that on 2009 the amount of 21 Profiles weren't given easily.
Thanks to a new law that legally forces religious (from the Judaism spectrum, before it, it forced not very religious, and the religious ones had a choice, now nobody has a choice) people, and with the army's favoriting males, I assume that they'll have so many people (in my age area, there are many heavy massed religious families) that they'd find me more as a burden rather than a great additive.
Even though that if one of the top-secret agencies and alike will give me a try out I'd run for the mission, I don't want to join the army.
But actually, I'd rather be a head-hunter, from the simple reason that all I need to do is to kill and get plenty of money from it, and since that the ones who will use my service are usually tycoons, they have a lot of power in the country, meaning, rules will be bent especially for them, and therefore, for me.
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