I don’t want to leave home; I don’t like
being away from my nest.
I want to stay here, be consoled and told that I’m okay and everything will be okay, and that I’d actually believe it, because this will probably be the sweetest lie that I’d ever hear.
But no, I need to go to Italy with my family.
I don’t want to do it!
And I know that it’s silly, because almost every other person would love to go to Italy, but I don’t want to leave my home, I know that in Italy I’d probably want to kill myself.
I know that it would be less horrendous because no stranger will say “smile Dvash, smile” to me, but it still be awful enough to make me want to cut.
Fuck I feel like the skin on my left wrist is being sliced open! But everything is okay there, well, except from one tiny bruise that is probably just dye.
I want to stop with breathing, I hate going outside to the real world when I’m not obliged to, I just want to go the simple and unnoticed way.
I just want to stay in that moment, I don’t care that I waste my life by just hearing “Destroy All Humans” of EH!DE that was remixed by Alpha Noize, but it’s way better than just going there.
I’d probably be the happiest when I’d land at the airport in Israel again, one week from now… And that’s just fucking sad, it’s not even patriotism, it is just plain agoraphobia.
I think I have it, at least that’s what my hypochondriac mind says; I also think that it’s just the unending dread when I’m outside because people will see me, and might do something, and I might do something.
Even though that I’m completely okay with being outside away from people, I mean, I absolutely hate places with bugs and animals like such, but if nature was without nature then nature would be great.
In other words, I’d rather sit in some weird corner in a coffee shop drinking tea (raspberry ruby, the flavour of my dreams) rather than being in a park or a forest.
Even though that certain parks that don’t have many people and I can find a hidden place to sit, I’d enjoy it with being on my phone, but only if it’s hidden.
I basically love being outside but just without all the things that come along with being outside.
I want to stay here, be consoled and told that I’m okay and everything will be okay, and that I’d actually believe it, because this will probably be the sweetest lie that I’d ever hear.
But no, I need to go to Italy with my family.
I don’t want to do it!
And I know that it’s silly, because almost every other person would love to go to Italy, but I don’t want to leave my home, I know that in Italy I’d probably want to kill myself.
I know that it would be less horrendous because no stranger will say “smile Dvash, smile” to me, but it still be awful enough to make me want to cut.
Fuck I feel like the skin on my left wrist is being sliced open! But everything is okay there, well, except from one tiny bruise that is probably just dye.
I want to stop with breathing, I hate going outside to the real world when I’m not obliged to, I just want to go the simple and unnoticed way.
I just want to stay in that moment, I don’t care that I waste my life by just hearing “Destroy All Humans” of EH!DE that was remixed by Alpha Noize, but it’s way better than just going there.
I’d probably be the happiest when I’d land at the airport in Israel again, one week from now… And that’s just fucking sad, it’s not even patriotism, it is just plain agoraphobia.
I think I have it, at least that’s what my hypochondriac mind says; I also think that it’s just the unending dread when I’m outside because people will see me, and might do something, and I might do something.
Even though that I’m completely okay with being outside away from people, I mean, I absolutely hate places with bugs and animals like such, but if nature was without nature then nature would be great.
In other words, I’d rather sit in some weird corner in a coffee shop drinking tea (raspberry ruby, the flavour of my dreams) rather than being in a park or a forest.
Even though that certain parks that don’t have many people and I can find a hidden place to sit, I’d enjoy it with being on my phone, but only if it’s hidden.
I basically love being outside but just without all the things that come along with being outside.
I was about to cry earlier, but I played
music and Gold of Wake Owl and just forgot a bit from everything that happens
in my extremely wonderful (it is not sarcastic), and then I pressed next
to hear Everything is Lost from the album Dystopia, and now I’m hearing My
Chemical Romance, after I fucking cried because my mother talked to me, the
second time in the last ten minutes.
If there’s one thing that I learned from having Lev as my brother, that adults are getting really stressed out when children cry or scream.
I started crying, and I’m actually being defensive against myself, and trying to reason that event, and it is really pathetic, but I can’t stop, it’s or being silly and pathetic or hating myself even more.
I’m currently unstable to function; I must return balance to ease that pain in the back of my head and the weird lump in my throat.
By the way, I am going to tell you what I’ve been asked and told during the second conversation with my mother.
She asked me if I’m going to enjoy being in Italy, I answered the truth, and she said that she wants that I’d lie to her, and requested it for her (yes, of course that caring for a person that I feel hatred and respect to is exactly what I do during a breakdown), and I repeated a couple of times no until I understood that it won’t end if I’m going to continue like this, she asked why, I said that I don’t like being away from home and that I don’t really know, and she said that everybody is going to have fun, and she tried to hug me a couple of time, and I rejected it, I can’t stand others touching me when I feel vulnerable, unless I ask it from them, and Ii felt like absolute shit from that moment until this very moment.
I fucking hate my wonderful life.
I hate it, but I have nothing else, so I have to get along with it.
I hate crying.
At least it wasn’t an actual emotional cry.
I think that I don’t know how to do these anymore, I use my tears as a weapon and not as an outlet.
If there’s one thing that I learned from having Lev as my brother, that adults are getting really stressed out when children cry or scream.
I started crying, and I’m actually being defensive against myself, and trying to reason that event, and it is really pathetic, but I can’t stop, it’s or being silly and pathetic or hating myself even more.
I’m currently unstable to function; I must return balance to ease that pain in the back of my head and the weird lump in my throat.
By the way, I am going to tell you what I’ve been asked and told during the second conversation with my mother.
She asked me if I’m going to enjoy being in Italy, I answered the truth, and she said that she wants that I’d lie to her, and requested it for her (yes, of course that caring for a person that I feel hatred and respect to is exactly what I do during a breakdown), and I repeated a couple of times no until I understood that it won’t end if I’m going to continue like this, she asked why, I said that I don’t like being away from home and that I don’t really know, and she said that everybody is going to have fun, and she tried to hug me a couple of time, and I rejected it, I can’t stand others touching me when I feel vulnerable, unless I ask it from them, and Ii felt like absolute shit from that moment until this very moment.
I fucking hate my wonderful life.
I hate it, but I have nothing else, so I have to get along with it.
I hate crying.
At least it wasn’t an actual emotional cry.
I think that I don’t know how to do these anymore, I use my tears as a weapon and not as an outlet.
Wow, this is damn awful, I hate feeling
this way.
I feel like my fingers are shaking again from the inside, but also that they are numb… No, not numb, more like, they are not mine.
Yes, this is exactly what they are! I feel like that they are not mine, I mean, I can function, I can feel pain, it’s a hand, but I am not used to it.
I’m breathing deeply now, I have to soothe myself.
I feel like my fingers are shaking again from the inside, but also that they are numb… No, not numb, more like, they are not mine.
Yes, this is exactly what they are! I feel like that they are not mine, I mean, I can function, I can feel pain, it’s a hand, but I am not used to it.
I’m breathing deeply now, I have to soothe myself.
I want to cut.
I just really need it now.
Like all of the other times… But I have the weird feeling that this is the answer.
I have my pathetic and useless razors near my bed, and I’m not even attracted to them, I used to want them, but they are so small and dull compared to what I want.
I just really need it now.
Like all of the other times… But I have the weird feeling that this is the answer.
I have my pathetic and useless razors near my bed, and I’m not even attracted to them, I used to want them, but they are so small and dull compared to what I want.
You know what’s the best thing in the last
stressful period? (I assume that it’s closer to anxiety attack rather than
panic attack, but still I’m not sure, so I’m going to call it this way.)
That even if I heard an alarm in the back of my head, I would completely ignore it, simply because I’m too distracted by the fear.
Okay, I want to blog a bit, about a certain topic that includes Gaza now.
The fact that many in the world are taught and believe that Israel is always the bad guy.
Name a war that we attacked first.
Actually, maybe it was the war for releasing Jerusalem after it was taken away a couple of years after the foundation of the country, but I’m not hundred percent sure.
But we rarely attack.
This war started from a couple of guys, kidnapping three Israelis, and butchering them, the IDF and the police tried everything, revealing that the head of the police is unsuitable for being in his job, and he was fired or that he quit (it happened quite a while ago, so I don’t remember this detail), and around two Palestinians were murdered after it was discovered that they were probably the kidnappers, and then Hamas decided “Oh, they killed them? A LEGITIMATION FOR ATTACKING!” And now we’re here.
Anyway, I wanted to open an account for the Israeli girl point of view (the realm of Farah Gazan), and it kinds of annoying that people do not understand or completely ignore the other side, may I say that if we didn’t have the iron dome, the amount of the deceased in Israel would be so high, that the difference in the numbers would be unbelieveable, or maybe not, because almost everywhere we got a shelter or a safety room, simply because of that reason, and we’re taught in our school, around two times in a year we go to the shelters, and it’s usually guided by the oldest age group in school, but you should fucking understand that, hey! There are plenty of Israeli kids who are rather safe, simply because the government cares more about the citizens rather than killing the enemy (!), but they are forever changed, some hear alarms in their heads for a period of time (I’m not sure how long mine would stay, it didn’t stop yet), some will promise to themselves to join the IDF, so that the other children won’t have to experience the same thing, some want to leave as fast as possible from the land, just to be safe, and others want to stay, to never give up.
And that’s fucking insane.
That’s absolutely insane.
People should fucking open their eyes and see the damage.
So yes, maybe I’m not the best example for the terrorized citizens in the country, actually, I’m not even fucking close, because I live in the central, but there are the people, who live near Gaza, who have tunnels of the enemy, six hundred meters away from their home! Enemy that in its agenda says that you deserve to die, no matter what; a merciless enemy; an enemy, that has no respect to their own citizens life, so your life is worthless (*whispers third reich*).
That even if I heard an alarm in the back of my head, I would completely ignore it, simply because I’m too distracted by the fear.
Okay, I want to blog a bit, about a certain topic that includes Gaza now.
The fact that many in the world are taught and believe that Israel is always the bad guy.
Name a war that we attacked first.
Actually, maybe it was the war for releasing Jerusalem after it was taken away a couple of years after the foundation of the country, but I’m not hundred percent sure.
But we rarely attack.
This war started from a couple of guys, kidnapping three Israelis, and butchering them, the IDF and the police tried everything, revealing that the head of the police is unsuitable for being in his job, and he was fired or that he quit (it happened quite a while ago, so I don’t remember this detail), and around two Palestinians were murdered after it was discovered that they were probably the kidnappers, and then Hamas decided “Oh, they killed them? A LEGITIMATION FOR ATTACKING!” And now we’re here.
Anyway, I wanted to open an account for the Israeli girl point of view (the realm of Farah Gazan), and it kinds of annoying that people do not understand or completely ignore the other side, may I say that if we didn’t have the iron dome, the amount of the deceased in Israel would be so high, that the difference in the numbers would be unbelieveable, or maybe not, because almost everywhere we got a shelter or a safety room, simply because of that reason, and we’re taught in our school, around two times in a year we go to the shelters, and it’s usually guided by the oldest age group in school, but you should fucking understand that, hey! There are plenty of Israeli kids who are rather safe, simply because the government cares more about the citizens rather than killing the enemy (!), but they are forever changed, some hear alarms in their heads for a period of time (I’m not sure how long mine would stay, it didn’t stop yet), some will promise to themselves to join the IDF, so that the other children won’t have to experience the same thing, some want to leave as fast as possible from the land, just to be safe, and others want to stay, to never give up.
And that’s fucking insane.
That’s absolutely insane.
People should fucking open their eyes and see the damage.
So yes, maybe I’m not the best example for the terrorized citizens in the country, actually, I’m not even fucking close, because I live in the central, but there are the people, who live near Gaza, who have tunnels of the enemy, six hundred meters away from their home! Enemy that in its agenda says that you deserve to die, no matter what; a merciless enemy; an enemy, that has no respect to their own citizens life, so your life is worthless (*whispers third reich*).
I got two minutes to bed, and I wanted to
say that I’m sorry for not posting in the last two days, I just fell asleep at
three am, and being too lazy to copy from word and post to blogger.
Anyway, I am going to bed, to try to fall asleep, even though that it’d be or very hard or very easy, so… Yup, going to bed!
Anyway, I am going to bed, to try to fall asleep, even though that it’d be or very hard or very easy, so… Yup, going to bed!
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