Distractive Things.

I just can’t believe that this is what I’m doing with my life, I mean, it’s or watching and hearing music, or playing that one videogame, or drawing, or looking on unhealthy websites (or healthy but with my bad intention), or just another ways to waste my time.
I assume that it’s better than what many other people do like that awful self-promotion that many love; I know that what I’m doing now is a sort of self-promotion while I’m blogging, but the difference is that I don’t shove it into other’s throats.
In the old class’ WhatsApp group (primary school) they mostly use it for requesting others to follow for follow, which is pathetic, because, come on! You have that other option of simply making good things and tagging properly and just wait, I did it, I got four fifty followers, simply because that I did good stuff that I enjoy.
It’s ridiculous that people seek for attention so desperately that they actually do that shit.
It makes me hate Instagram, I use it only for Ghost Town and visual artists, that’s all, and even then I hardly use it.

Sorry, around ten hours passed since the last paragraph.
I’m writing now, because all that I can say to myself is to stop before I do anything regrettable.
My mother yelled at me a couple of minutes ago, for not cleaning the shower properly, she yelled at me so disrespectfully, and she didn’t let me speak at all.
I felt so horrible through it, she doesn’t give a fuck about any person around, and trust me that I’m trying my best.
That pain again, on my left temple, it happens from time to time, I don’t know why.
I just wanted to go and cut myself earlier, I really want to do it, because no matter what I’m trying, I’m not enough.
And I know that I shouldn’t care, because she’s so bitchy to me all the time, she thinks that I’m ruined by the education I’m getting in school (most of my town’s citizens are left winged, my mother is titling herself as radical right), and I’m afraid that she’s starting to treat me like a less than a human, which is pretty much the basic, even a monstrous person is something, because you’re still a person, but I don’t even get that respect.
I just want to end it.
Fuck.
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way either, and sadly, I’m not a legal person yet, so I can’t escape, or do what I want to do, so currently I’m going to deal with it.
It sucks, because before that you’re considered to be an adult, you don’t really live, and it’s awful, you don’t have the freedom that humans tend to need, you have no right to do so many things, and it sucks.
I’m not allowed to be who I am, simply because that I’m still under the custody of my parents.
I just want to leave life now, and come back a couple of years from now.

I just can’t stand being so young.
It’s a waste of my potential as a young human being.
After three decades or so, I wouldn’t be able to do many things, and on eight or so from now, I would probably die.

I want to cry right now.
All the pain that I give to the people around me is just awful, and it’s not even that I enjoy harming people, I’d rather stay away from them, I always hurt the people that I love, and I don’t want to hurt them, and even the ones that I don’t love, the ones that make my life harder than it can, I don’t want to hurt them, maybe letting them feel what I feel, but I have no interest at hurting people.
So yes, maybe it goes against some things that I’ve said before, but remember that I usually don’t remember anything that I wrote before, so deal with it.
I want to hurt people when I need to, when it’s my job, but that’s it.

I’m reading Killjoy’s blog (Your Misery and Hate Will Kill Us All –funny, I just heard that line as I wrote it!) and she writes this:

“If it was up to me.
My whole family would be on medication.
Maybe except the husband of my mother.
Except from him, everybody.
To my mother something for Paranoia, changing moods, and sleeping pills.
To my brother something that will take down his violence levels.
To my sister some sedatives.
And for me, changing moods, depression, sedatives and something against panicking.
Even though that I don’t want to be on medication, and I’m sure that they don’t either.
So I’m staying quiet.”

That made me wonder if I used to be this way too.
Oh, and I also changed a bit form the translation, now it makes more sense, and it was very hard for me to not write in the actual terms, because she just named symptoms rather than disorders usually.
And it was very weird for me to try to translate panicking, as our word for anxiety and panicking is not the same thing but it was misused so often that it formed to be the same.
Well, I wonder how old she is.
I mean, I assume that she’s a young teenager, by who she is.

I feel pain in my left elbow.
Why would I feel pain in different body parts?  There’s no damn reason.
I know that on water fasts, while you regenerate your body, it has time to rebuild and fix old injuries so it can hurt, but I was eating so much lately that it just doesn’t make sense.

It’s nine pm, almost thousand words, let’s see how many would we have until midnight.
Midnight; when I think about midnight, I think about many things that will never matter enough to be shared, they are just pieces of stale information.

I’m afraid of using my headphones, in case that I miss an alarm, even though that I know that I’d probably hear it, and that my family would let me know, but still, I just feel it.
I told you about it in my previous posts.
Fuck, it’s so annoying, it just builds up, and I calm down only when I let one ear to be out of my headphones, and when I’m calm, I put my headphones again, and I’m at step one of that unending cycle.
I just want to stop breathing.

Well, I need some distraction, let’s try to make parodies, or laugh at stuff, or DIY stuff, whatever that helps to lighten up!
Let’s talk about….  Talk about the medication idea!
I’m personally more familiar with the use of the words like “pills” -or if I’m at the after Sala Samobojcow mood “tablets”.
My mother would probably… Actually, no, I have no idea, and I don’t find myself fit for giving her anything.
My father shouldn’t get anything, maybe an anxiety reliever at low doses.
My sister shouldn’t get anything, she rocks.
My brother is too young and hyper and the only difference between him and my sister and I, is that he’s way younger, therefore, less mature.
Myself, what should I give myself? Mood suppressors? Anxiety relievers? Painkillers? Nothing? Nothing.
I mean, there are no existing problems that are treatable with me! Hello everyone? It’s fucking puberty, heard of it? It’s a bitch to have, but most of people in the western world get out of it alive.
Why I said western world? Because in the third world countries and the undeveloped ones, most of them starve to death or are murdered before adulthood.

Since I stopped for the sake of my privacy (a shameful and awkward smile), I have no idea what I was talking about.
It’s eleven and twenty two minutes pm.

I earlier read an article about self-injury. (“Read” that’s funny, it just reading every third paragraph or so.)
I feel awkward now, since I feel like I’m faking it as well, as I’m able to control my urge to do so, which is basically for keeping my sanity safe because it’s very hard for me to handle being without the technology, as I have no other way to express myself and release all my thoughts, and I just have to use multiple outlets at all times; back to the sentence that I strayed off from, I feel like I’m not even a real injurer, I feel like everything that I do is artificial and it sucks, all I do is distraction, which isn’t that bad, considering that it could’ve been in the other way, to not have anything to do, like, being stuck 24/7 in these specific thoughts.
I’m actually now feeling quite grateful for having all these distractions, like art, and music, and blogger, and all the other things that I can easily forget about, but that they change a lot, they make the difference, if I didn’t have them, I’d probably be dead by now.

It’s way after midnight (but the previous paragraph was at about eleven thirty), and I reached to a bit over fifteen hundred.
I think that it’s because my lookout for atheist pages all the damn time,  but I just think a lot about the fact that in many beliefs, Jesus is white, which doesn’t make sense, at fucking all.
I want you to take a look at native Israelis (who were here for quite a while), or many middle eastern from that specific Israeli area, we are not white; the rather white people are Europeans who immigrated at different times.
Some say that it’s just European and American propaganda, so that Jesus would look more like the believers to-be, and it’s quiet a nice idea, but it doesn’t make sense, at all.
There are so many things that doesn’t make sense, but that specific thing seems so basic and weird…

Why am I laughing so hard from this one?! It’s so weird and hilarious at the same time!
It’s on Atheist Jesus (I’m desperate, I’m looking for ex-Christian Atheism pages) and it was uploaded at July fifteenth, and it’s “Hey, you wanna hear a joke? Christian Death Metal.”
I don’t know why I find it so funny, maybe it’s because of JesusIsSavior.Com?

Anyway, it’s two am, I’m going to bed simply because my back hurts.
Good night, or morning, whatever you got there.